I meet Adam's eyes. He shakes his head sadly, I exhale and nod. It's okay. I didn’t want her to be released to the Fade. I wanted her to be born without this life, I wanted her to be able to live and grow old, without having to fight next time.
"Syn," Alden is getting ready to say sorry. Why do people do that? Why do they say it?
"No. No, don’t you fucking say sorry. Sorry isn't going to bring her back, sorry isn't going to make me feel any better and it damn sure won't fix the guilt." I was crying, sobbing as I struggled to get my point across, "She's dead because I challenged him, because I took his puppet away. She died because of me, I couldn’t save her. I have to live with that. What I don’t have to live with is any fucking pity, or anyone saying they’re fucking sorry."
The room grew silent as they listen to my sobs. I wiped the tears away angrily and shook my head. "I bought the plot next to Adrian for me, use it for Larissa. She'd want a dress, something yellow. Her funeral packet is at the Guild Alden, get it. We bury her as soon as we can get the arrangements together. Now everyone except Adam get out."
When the room had fully cleared, I met Adams green eyes and held my arms open for him, he fell into them and I held him as we both cried together. Neither one speaking until the last tear had dried. We'd all done the same when we had thought Adrian dead, this time there was no chance of afterlife.
"I failed her," I whispered against his ear.
"No Syn, you didn’t. Those pins he used took your strength and all magic, that’s how he was killing immortals. There was no weapon, only those pins. Ristan said you couldn’t have done anything, not even he's immune to them Syn. You can't shoulder the blame here. We all knew he would come, we both failed her. I was asleep for fucks sake, three doors down and I couldn’t feel anything from either of you. I need you too Syn. I need you to stay awake now. I can't lose you too."
When Adam left the room, Ryder took his place on the bed, his features empty as he watched me. We didn’t talk. We didn’t need words. We just lay there together, staring at each other. I wanted to say something but I wasn’t sure how to thank him.
"How did you get inside my head, Ryder?" I asked after the silence became too much.
"I wasn't inside your head, I projected an image. I had to try to several times. You wouldn’t let me inside until you were ready. I'm sorry about Larissa. He blocked me from you, he knew you were mine. That it won't happen again, I assure you of it Syn."
"Why do people say that, sorry…it's not like they killed her. I never thought he'd come to the house. She was my responsibility and I failed her. I—"
"You couldn’t have saved her Syn. If you blame yourself then Joseph wins. He's downstairs, gloating because he knows you're in pain. You are letting him win, just like you did so long ago with your parents. You were a child. If you had tried to take on Fae at that age, you'd be dead. You can't keep blaming yourself for things you cannot change. Trust me when I tell you this. Something's just cannot be changed no matter how much you want them to be."
I laid my head back down on the pillow and watched as he removed his shirt and crawled back in lifting my head and placing it on his chest as his fingers caressed my cheek. I felt secure and safe with him. I closed my eyes and placed my hand above his heart, feeling each beat of it until sleep started to sink in. "Sleep Syn, I'll keep the nightmares at bay for now." He whispered and kissed the top of my head softly.
Thirty Eight
We buried Larissa on a sunny day beneath the old oak tree inside the Guild's cemetery to the musical lyrics of the Lumineers Ho Hey. We followed her wishes with the exception of the roses, she had wanted yellow ones. She got thousands of red roses. The Seattle Guild showed up en masse to honor one of our fallen and to celebrate the end of the killers reign now that he was locked up.
No one thought it weird that the Fae were still tight lipped on how the Mage had created a puppet and used her to infiltrate their ranks as an Heir. Ryder and his group were careful of what they spoke of when we were around now, as if hiding something from us. I was more worried about if, or when they would retaliate against the Light Fae for the slight against them.
Arianna hadn't been Fae. She'd been a Witch from the Seattle Guild. I'd given her peace after five years of her soul being torn to nothing more than a wisp of an aura that had once belonged to a beautiful Witch. She'd been kidnapped a few years ago, which told us this was much bigger than we had thought it was. It was good news and bad news. We'd stopped one, but he hadn't been working alone. They rejoiced, while we grieved.