“What are you saying?” My voice was barely even above a whisper. “You can’t be... Ryland!” I dropped to my knees feeling pain so strong I couldn’t breathe. “Don’t say that. I do love you. Why else would I have gone through all of this to get you back?”
Ryland stopped my rant as he pulled me against him, his arms gaining strength. He pressed his lips into my hair, kissing my skin softly. I moved at his touch, desperate to feel his lips against mine at least one more time. He looked at me right before he kissed me, seeming to decide if I wanted him to kiss me of not. I waited, my breath caught in my chest for the moment before our lips met.
This was not a T?uha, it was only a dream. There was no electric connection. But my heart still stuttered with the feeling of ecstasy that washed through me. I clenched my hand around his shirt, pulling him closer to me. I inhaled deeply as his tongue wiped against my lower lip, the sensation strong and desirable. I groaned and leaned into him further. My body was begging him to deepen the kiss, but instead of answering my need, he pulled away, his eyes boring into me.
“It’s okay if you don’t love me anymore, Jos. I don’t blame you. Our connection has done nothing but cause you pain and misery.”
My jaw dropped at his words. Didn’t I just prove that I still did? The pain returned as the fears I had been hiding for the past few days were spoken aloud by someone who was supposed to love me no matter what. But no. He didn’t love me, because he wasn’t Ryland.
“No!” I yelled, desperate to counter his words.
“Oh, yes.” I froze at the voice.
Edmund snaked his arm around my neck and pulled me against him, his strong arm cutting off my air supply. I gathered my strength and produced a large chain to wrap around Edmund, but the magic turned to smoke in my fingers.
I heard him laugh in my ear as I sputtered, his strong arm causing my vision to pop much faster than I would have expected.
“Watch your mate die, my son,” he said, his voice deep. “Oh no, Joclyn. It doesn’t seem like he is too concerned.”
I looked to Ryland, gasping out his name with my last breath, but he didn’t move. He just sat there, his body too weak to do anything, his eyes dim and unfocused.
I woke up in a start, gasping for breath, the panic at what had happened working me up into a terrified state. I wasn’t screaming as I had been before, this time it was a howling depression. The sounds I made were the sounds of heartbreak.
I cried and called out to Ilyan, to Ryland, to anyone that would help me, but no one came. No one was there. I wasn’t sure if I was upset that no one came or glad that I had been ignored. I couldn’t have Ilyan. I couldn’t have Ryland. There was no one else I wanted to calm me.
I turned in my bunk, my body calling out in pain as I moved to face Ilyan’s bunk. He was still in his dimly lit space, his hair fanning over the edge of his bed. I looked at him until my howls had died down into gentle sobs. I desperately wanted to go to him but one move of my arm told me how impossible that was. Pain shot through my shoulder and my back, eventually traveling into my head. I gasped through the tears at the new pain.
I was alone. Ryland, if that was really him, was pushing me away. Wyn was gone. My parents were gone. Ilyan... I was too afraid to think about. I was supposed to be the most powerful of all, destined to do something huge that I didn’t even understand. It was as Thom said, I was like Atlas, holding the world on my shoulders. And try as I might, I couldn’t be strong enough.
I stopped, my pity party halting in its tracks. Atlas. I had missed the whole lesson behind what Thom had tried to tell me. I was too caught up in my pity, in my desperation, to have fully taken in what he said. Atlas had plenty of strength. He was just too proud to ask for help when he needed it. It was not strength that I lacked, it was pride that I had too much of.
I didn’t need to be strong all the time. I needed to get over my insecurities and have the faith to let someone else help me through it. I needed to stop hiding silently behind my pain and throw the emotional hoodie away.
I was strong.
I looked at Ilyan. He might be the one who could help me do that. At least, the one I wanted.
Twenty-Three
I knew the moment I sat up the next morning that I was in trouble. My back ached and my head spun, causing me to fall back against the bed with a groan. I couldn’t wait any longer. I reached for the chain and pulled the necklace out, letting it rest in my palm.
My life felt like an endless stream of torture. First the nightmares and then in the T?uha. I may not be strong but I do have help. I looked briefly toward where Ilyan still lay; reminding myself I was not alone before plunging my magic into the necklace and closing my eyes.