Ever My Merlin

chapter 17 – TELL ME YOU LOVE ME

I woke up on a sofa inside the common room of the teacher’s residence.

Out of a set of four, it was the only sofa remaining. The common room had been converted to be a command center of sorts. Instead of a piano, only a bench remained. Leonidas sat on it and ate something while Leonora paced in front of him. Occasionally, she stole glances at Vane. I tried not to roll my eyes. She’d developed a major crush on him on Aegae and apparently it hadn’t abated. Beyond them, two mermaids practiced sword forms in the far corner that I knew led off to the elevators.

The sofa lay at one end of a rectangle, along with a low coffee table. Beyond it, two rows of long tables held computers and extended across the width of the room. Several wizards hunched over the ten flat-screens with intense concentration. One monitored news footage. One scrolled through street maps of different cities. Some watched what looked like security feeds of different people. I saw Matt on one screen.

At the other end of the rectangle, Vane sat behind a massive desk. A tinted window behind him diffused the bright sunlight. I had no idea what he was up to and at the moment, I couldn’t find the strength to demand the answer. Everything inside me lay broken. I’d lost… again.

He was gone. The Vane I loved was gone.

Matt was right. I hadn’t listened to him and he’d been right.

“She’s awake,” Leonora said.

Vane’s head jerked up from a computer screen. He left the desk and crossed the empty middle of the rectangle to me. I didn’t move. I couldn’t. I was barely holding on. He sat down on the coffee table, his eyes no longer green, but a normal hazel.

“Feeling calmer, sword-bearer?”

Sword-bearer. Inwardly, I shrank further into myself. Outwardly, I made myself sit up. My stomach rumbled.

“You’re hungry. I’ll take you to the dining hall.”

After ripping me to shreds, now he wanted to feed me. I wanted to cry, but had no tears. “I’d rather starve than eat with you.”

Vane’s eyes flashed with annoyance. “This is getting old.”

“You’re right.” I stood up. “Do I still have a room here?”

“Always,” he said.

I ignored the caress in his tone. I took a step toward the elevators.

Vane caught my hand. “I haven’t given you permission.”

I tried to twist my hand loose. Vane held it in a manacle-like grip. Having taught me how to escape such holds, he also knew how not to let me. He tilted his head. “Why?”

I retorted, “Because I never want to see you again.”

Beside him, Leonora gasped. She watched us with avid attention. Leonidas gave me a bored look. The wizards at the computers gaped at us. Vane glared at them and they quickly turned back to their screens.

“Because you hate me,” he said mockingly.

I stared steadily into hazel eyes, saying simply, “Because I don’t care anymore.”

His eyes shuttered, a cold green covered them again. He stood up.

“Then, you won’t care if I do this.” He pulled Leonora to him and kissed her. It wasn’t a mild kiss or a small gentle peck. It was a full-on, mouth-to-mouth, not-coming-up-for-air kind of kiss. The Dragon’s Eye warmed with his desire and it washed over me. He yanked open the door between our minds. He deliberately juxtapositioned her with me. If I closed my eyes, I would have seen us back on the darkened balcony. Instead, I watched him kiss her.

The musty smell of desire filled the room. His. Hers. Mine.

It made me sick.

Leonidas, recovering from momentary shock, jumped up with a roar. He lunged at Vane. Vane flicked him away like a bothersome mosquito, but he released Leonora. She stared at him with a dazed expression, lips bruised in the same way I imagined mine had been just hours ago. Vane’s heated eyes turned to meet mine. He dismissed Leonora with a casual wave of his hand, disposing her as easily as a used tissue.

Leonora’s face crumpled. Tears springing to her eyes, she ran out of the common room. On the floor, Leonidas sat up with a furious expression. I pointed Leonidas to follow in her direction. “Go get her, idiot.”

Leonidas gave Vane a final disgusted look and hurried after her.

“How could you do that to her?” I demanded.

He raised a brow. “I thought you no longer cared.”

“I don’t care about you.” I turned on my heel and stalked off. “You’re not worth it.”

I made it down the hall and into the residence hall’s tiny elevator. I barely stepped inside when Doppelganger-Matt slipped inside behind me, a hulking form crowding me inside the small space. He punched a button and the door jerked closed behind him and the elevator creaked up. I faced the back of the elevator and refused to turn around.

Unfortunately it didn’t help. Mirrored panels all around the elevator box surrounded me with Matt’s calm reflection. The illusion didn’t fool me. Under the civilized expression, he couldn’t hide the monster. The Kronos Eye sat heavily atop my chest, inside the gown.

Doppelganger-Matt looked at me in the mirror. “Is Merlin worth it?”

“Yes,” I replied honestly.

“Why?”

I stared at his reflection. Matt’s reflection. “He doesn’t think everyone is collateral.” Blake. Gia.

He heard me. Doppelganger-Matt punched a hand against a panel. It cracked the mirror. I watched as blood streaked down from his knuckles into the mirror’s shattered glass. It was how I felt.

“They were collateral. And necessary. Everything I’ve done has been necessary.”

I stared at the red mess on the glass. “Necessary for you.”

“I’m trying to save you!”

“You’re trying to save yourself.”

He raked his clean hand through his hair. “I see you’ve started to believe my brother.”

“Isn’t he right? You got everything you wanted.”

“You know the answer to that better than anyone.” He leaned into his bloodied hand, digging it farther into broken glass. “When have I ever gotten anything I wanted?”

“It was a long time ago. I’m talking about now.”

“It will never be long enough.” His clean hand touched the nape of my neck. His palm flattened on the bare skin exposed by the sleeveless gown and a thumb traced the length of my spine. “Because there is only one thing I will ever want.”

He would never understand—there were lines you didn’t cross if you wanted to keep your soul. I asked hoarsely, “Is Gia alive?”

“She is.”

I could hear the truth in his words. He didn’t lie. He played games. He manipulated, but he had a core integrity that didn’t waver. No matter what it cost. It made it easier to forgive him, but I couldn’t. Still, relief washed through me.

I closed my eyes. “Why Grey? Why tonight?”

“I didn’t choose tonight. Oliver did. I merely anticipated he would.” Over my shoulder, he looked at his own reflection. “As for why—the end is close and we’re going to need the gargoyles to make the journey. They’re strong. I want them with me on the other side.”

“Other side?”

“Of the gate.”

“What does that mean? What you said to Robin… why is the world lost?”

In the mirror, Matt’s image arched his brow. “Hasn’t Merlin revealed his final secret? What do you think the trilithons mean?”

“He said he was working on it. It has to do with Stonehenge.”

“Kronos’s Circle is the center link, but it is not the whole of it. There is no secret machine that will shield us from the Fury. The trilithons are doorways, as you know. You saw my memories, Ryan. Merlin hasn’t admitted it, but it’s time we all must. We’re not saving the world. We’re evacuating it.” He added the detail I didn’t want to hear. “No, not all of us are going.”

I turned to face him. “Explain.”

“There’s simply not enough time. We can only build so many trilithons. Gates. Since you came out of the Kronos Eye, we’ve been fighting for one thing—control of who goes. Control of the gates.”

The elevator reached the top. The door opened. I didn’t get out.

“Wizards and mermaids,” I answered for him.

“The gargoyles will go too,” he added.

“And everyone else?” I said.

“There was never going to be an everyone else. Why do you think this hasn’t gone public? Why do you think Merlin is working with a select group of people? There’s a short list of who’s taking this journey. A very short list.”

I pictured the prom. Every one of the young faces. The hope in their eyes. The future that lay ahead of them. Ahead of us. The future that was being snatched away. The garden destroyed.

The door tried to close. Doppelganger-Matt held it open.

I moved past him in a daze. I made it halfway down the hall, before the pounding in my ears forced me to stop. Doppelganger-Matt stepped out of the elevator, but didn’t follow me.

I whirled around and demanded, “That’s the best you can do? You and Merlin. The greatest wizards in the world with the power of gods behind you. This is supposed to be our great destiny?”

Vane took a few steps toward me. He pulled out his phone and pulled up the pictures of the paintings from the Boston Library. “Remember these? It is not so much the paintings as it is the story, and the key is to work backwards. There are four items of importance. Three players are at the heart of the quest—two knights and a damsel. One knight holds the spear. One knight holds the cup. Both together hold the divine light. The one proven pure of heart must stand before the altar. Two others must assist him. The one crosses the altar with the help of the believer and reaches for the angel on the other side.”

“What’s on the other side?”

“It doesn’t really matter. The point is that it is away from here. We’re to cross the altar to meet the angel on the other side.” He pointed to the first painting with the red cloth. “Whatever is under the cloth provides sustenance for the journey. Meaning it’s the guide. The apple is the guide. The dove above the angel means two things—the mournful call of a soul passing from earth, and it’s also a symbol of the Lady. The censer marks the angel as one of the apocalypse. Behind the angel, you see another golden halo that could mean the sun. To sum it up, during the apocalypse caused by the sun, use the apple to pass from earth.”

“So that’s it.” I shook my head in disbelief. “You and Merlin want to abandon this planet—our home—like it’s so much trash?”

“We’re trying to save as many as possible! Did you imagine we were going to find a giant shield to stop the sun? Or maybe build several billion umbrellas? This is the only option. And it’s not that certain either,” he said. “It’s going to take everything we have to open all the gates we can build. It’s going to take more to get where the apple will take us. At this point, we only know how to open one. Only know how to go somewhere close.”

“You don’t know even know where you’re going!”

Doppelganger-Matt smiled grimly. “Haven’t you been paying attention? We’re going to Camelot.”

The connections, his memories, all threaded together in my mind. The reality of it all hit me. This was the Lady’s plan. I wasn’t going to help save the world. I was just a navigator, a Noah, to guide them off a doomed planet.

I couldn’t breathe. I sat on the hard stone floor.

I reached in my dress and pulled out the Kronos Eye. It replayed the scene of the supernova. The following super flare. It replayed the burning planet, the melting cities, the death and destruction. This was the fate we were going to leave everyone to while a privileged few moved on to better pastures. God, I was dumb. Why hadn’t I asked Matt these questions? Why had I assumed he would find a way to magically save us all? Why had I been so naïve?

I believed in Merlin. I believed in his plan. I had been wrong.

“No,” I said.

“Ryan—”

“No.” I looked up at him. I made myself stand up. “There has to be another way.”

A hint of admiration flickered in his eyes. “There is no other way.”

“There has to be!” I shouted. The words echoed down the hallway. It wasn’t enough. My emotions ran too high. I punched the wall with a fist like he’d done. It hurt. Tearing up, I cradled the abused hand. It looked much easier when Vane did it. The skin bled, the sting worse than I believed possible.

Doppelganger-Matt walked to me. “Let me heal it.”

I pulled back, shaking my head.

He took off his T-shirt. His expression mild, he wiped away at the blood. “There isn’t another way. You need to help with the way we’ve found.”

The irony of it struck me. Vane looking like Matt and talking like Matt.

I squelched a hysterical giggle. “You are Merlin.”

It was the wrong thing to say. He closed the distance between us. I was pushed against the wall. His body covered mine, but I refused to look at him. Vulnerability echoed in his voice as he asked against my ear, “Is that what you want? Who you want?”

I searched, still not looking at him, through the Dragon’s Eye, but I couldn’t see through the fog of his chaotic emotions. “What does it matter what I want? It’s over.”

“It’s not over. It’s not what any one of us wanted, but this is what remains.” He added, “Deal with it.”

My head bent forward and I rested it on his shoulder. My lungs squeezed with difficulty. My own breath choked me. “Why should I?”

“Because we have right now. Right this second. We’re alive and we’re going to fight to keep living. It’s what we do.”

I took in one breath. My teeth dug into his bare shoulder, into skin, into something solid and alive. He winced. Then I took in one more breath. He traced the naked length of my shoulder above the gown. A strong hand slid down my arm to the Kronos Eye I held in my palm.

He didn’t take it from me. “Did you come here to kill me?”

I angled my head and finally met his gaze. “Yes.”

“Do you still want to?” His lips grazed mine.

I didn’t bend to them. “Why did you give Excalibur to Oliver?”

“Excalibur is yours. It’s magical and it’s tied to you. You love Grey. As long as those ties are in place, I knew Excalibur would not deliver a fatal blow to him.”

“Oh.” I stared at Doppelganger-Matt. I said huskily, “Take off the glamour. You’re not him.”

Need shone in his eyes, sending my pulse skittering. He pressed closer, letting me feel his body against every inch of mine. “I can be whoever you want.”

I met his eyes. “Why?”

“Because it’s who you want.” His hands took mine and held them against the wall. Lips skimmed the racing pulse at my neck. He sucked on it. “I would give you anything you want. Everything I have is yours. Even this. Whatever it takes to have you.”

“Because nothing else matters but you,” he whispered in my head. “Tell me you don’t regret dancing with me last night, Ryan.”

I stared at his bent head against my skin. The fire under Matt’s skin he couldn’t bury. Didn’t he realize it? I would never have mistaken the two. “Vane—”

Firm hands kept me pinned in place. “Tell me.”

“I don’t regret it,” I said honestly.

“Good.” Fingers tightened, digging into my skin, and for a moment he held me as if wanted to keep me there forever. But I didn’t want to lie to myself or to him.

“Vane,” I said. The word came out as a sigh.

“Why do you keep turning me down?” he asked. “I thought it was Merlin, but it’s not, is it?”

“The monster has its hold on you—”

“No, that’s not all.” Green-tinged eyes traveled over me, dissecting me to the bone with a razor-sharp scalpel. Suddenly I was very aware of the solidity of his body, his arms pinning me in, his presence surrounding me and leaving little room for escape. He could hurt me. Yet I knew he wouldn’t. Vane read my thoughts. Leaning down, he touched his forehead to mine. “DuLac, you’re more than you think. You always have been. It’s the first thing I see when I look at you. You’re the last thing I want to see when I close my eyes. Someone stronger than I can ever be.”

The yearning in his voice made my insides melt.

“Take off the glamour, Vane,” I asked again.

His shoulders drooped. Eyes closing with a defeated expression, Doppelganger-Matt disappeared. Letting go of my hands, Vane stepped back.

Cold air took up space between us. Too cold.

I leaned forward, a few inches away from the wall.

I put my palms against his flat stomach. I traced the line of Vane’s well-defined chest, his bare skin rigid with sculpted muscles. The differences between him and Matt were small and yet so stark. His eyes stayed clear and focused while Matt’s held all the secrets. His purpose, whether I agreed or not, was etched in the hard lines of his body. The waves of his slicked-back hair added a touch of wild that would never be completely tamed, but it could be softened. I ran a hand across his shoulders—they could bear a surprising amount. I touched a flat male nipple. I tweaked it.

With a strangled smile, he groaned. “Ryan—”

I whispered, “Tell me you love me.”

“You know I do,” he said without hesitation.

Hazel eyes flickered with green. The monster and the man waited, both in agony. I should have been afraid. I wasn’t. I had been wrong. Vane and the monster couldn’t be separated… but maybe they didn’t need to be. With the monster inside him, Vane teetered on the edge of control, but I knew deep down he would not become one. He’d fought that battle fifteen hundred years ago. He didn’t enjoy pain and that made all the difference.

He leaned down for a kiss. I let him in.

I expected it to be brutal. It wasn’t. He gently explored my mouth. A hand trailed the length of my jaw. A finger traced the length of my breastbone and down to bare skin along the top of my cleavage, just above the tapered edge of the gown. He murmured, “This dress is a dream. I’m going to enjoy taking it off.”

Dream. Vision. A thought penetrated the fog of desire. I jerked back.

Vane arched a brow. “I have a condom.”

I bit my lip.

Tensing, he said, “I won’t ask. Not again.”

Not after the maze. I flushed at the memory. Of me straddling him. Of him asking me to choose him. Heat pooled inside me, an ache begged for release. With strained effort, I subdued it. A turbulent sea swam in Vane’s gaze. I pushed away from him. “You don’t understand. You have Matt’s magic. The curse. You’ll lose the visions if we… you know.”

Vane let out a bark of laughter, eyes twinkling in the low light of the hallway.

“How is this funny?” I said in exasperation.

Hands grabbed my hips, pulling me against him completely. “If you think I’m going to pick visions over having you, you don’t know me.”

With just one sentence, the clawing insecurity I was carrying inside me shrank. I finally let go of the want I’d been holding in check and gave free rein to the rampant hunger he’d woken during our first kissed in a dank basement.

My arms wrapped around his neck. My legs wrapped around his waist.

I said against his ear, “I know you pretty well.”

Vane’s breathing deepened. Rough fingers tightened on me, digging deep into skin and soul. He pushed away from the wall.

He took me to his room.

***

I knelt on the ground beside my brother. In one hand I held the trident. The instrument of Poseidon hungered to make the earth rumble. Vane lay still on the ground, his green eyes closed.

“Merlin!”

At the sound of my name, I looked at her. She sat on Vane’s other side. Wind lifted the dark-blond curls around her head like a halo. Tears streaked her eyes. She clutched his hand.

Around us, the giant stones of Kronos’s Circle watched quietly.

Stonehenge.

I glanced up. Red bled across a part of the sky where only yellow should have shown. A round ball of fire burned through the protection of blue-blanketed clouds. The celestial map, rearranged, and a giant gas ball, previously hidden, blazed out from its spot on the hunter’s shoulder. Orion. It was the death of a star. In the sky, it blazed as a fleeting second sun. It would be the death of us. As with any passage, it caused a Fury.

The skies above us turned hazy and shimmered with streaks of color. The Fury bore down upon us. Around us, the refugees waited. Trucks and helicopters readied to speed through to an unknown place. They readied to escape the inferno hurtling closer. The inferno would strip away everything and everyone they knew. Only they, the lucky few, would survive this terrible day.

Brutal wind pelted us with hard bits of stone and dirt, the earth aware of the upcoming inferno. Above us, the sky screamed.

“It’s time,” I told her.

Her reddened gaze lifted from Vane to meet mine. “I can’t,” she said.

“It’s the only way,” I said.

The green gemstone of the Dragon’s Eye glowed on her neck.

My brother had to die. And so did I.

And she would be the one to kill us both.