I try. I can’t wake it. It’s too late.
I scoot back from the edge. Sit on my bare ass. I have to accept the truth in front of my nose. This wasn’t my cycle.
My mind clicks ahead, shuttering into the future. Twenty-nine days until the next full moon. What else can I do but wait? This cycle wasn’t for naught. I know more. I think I was close. Now I understand the strength of the moon. The need to be near to it, to be naked, to find as much wildness within myself as I can, right down to my most elemental parts. That’s where change begins. Power, too. I know that now. I will do this again. I will try harder.
I hear voices. My body starts. I take a quick inventory of the approaching figures. It’s just Jordan and Lex. My surprise at their return is tempered only by my relief that they haven’t brought anyone else with them. I thought they would.
“Do us a favor,” Lex calls. He throws something at me. “Put these on, okay? Sunrise means it’s time to cover your junk.”
I look at the items on the ground. My boxers and pants. I acquiesce and pick them up. I can fool people, but maintaining distance is key. I think I clung to these two last night because of some inner conflict. Inner resistance. Weakness. It is a mistake I cannot afford to make again.
When I’m dressed, Jordan comes over.
“Sit down,” she says.
“Why?”
“I want to tell you something.”
Maybe she wants to tell me how worried she is about me. Or ask if I’m okay. I ready myself for her questions. I will say the right things. I will say the things that will make her leave. The things that will make her not care if I live or die. I’ve done it before.
I can attract, and I can also repel.
As I sit, I glance at Lex. He’s about twenty feet away, standing with his back against a small boulder. He’s looking at his phone.
Jordan and I face the north. We can see nothing but trees.
“What do you want to tell me?” I ask.
“Last night,” she begins, “I wasn’t totally honest with you.”
“Okay.”
“I was drunk.”
“Yeah.”
“But that’s not an excuse, you know? After you left, I was talking with Penn and his friends. They were being total guy jerks, asking me why I dress the way I do, why I haven’t figured out how to get guys to like me, and if I’m some kind of angry, man-hating feminazi.”
“Sounds like typical Penn.”
“So I told him to meet me in the woods. That I’d show him what I know about getting guys to like me.”
I stare at her. “You did that? Why?”
Her face is all pinched and her tired eyes burn hot. “Do you have to ask?”
“Yes!”
“Because I was pissed! Because I wanted to be more powerful than him.”
“But what were you going to do?”
“I don’t know!”
“You don’t know?”
Jordan folds her arms and leans away from me. “You don’t get to judge me. My choices are mine, okay? I just wanted to say thank you. For what you did. You looked out for me. No one’s ever done that before.”
I blink, confused. I’ve made her mad and she’s thanking me?
“Win.”
I glance up. Lex stands before me.
“We need to talk.”
“Oh, okay.” I’m not really listening. I’m still thinking about what Jordan just said. I’m still sort of stunned.
“I mean it.” Lex sounds serious. He has one hand on his hip and his phone in the other.
I nod. “You get reception out here? I don’t.”
He crouches beside me. Slips the phone away. “Stop it, Win. You need to listen to me. Now.”
“Sure.”
“I’m worried about you. We both are.”
I rub my palms on the front of my pants. I feel hot and it’s hard to breathe. “D-did you, like, call somebody? About me?”
“Why would I do that?”
“I don’t know,” I whisper.
Jordan reaches out. She places a hand on my shoulder and pushes down with her warm fingers.
The pressure’s too much. I get up and start walking. I think I should go. I think I should get off this mountain.
Lex follows, trotting alongside me. “It’s that guy, that dead guy, right? You think you killed him?”
My stride falters. “M-maybe.”
“Win, you didn’t. Seriously.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do,” he insists.
“I don’t.”
Lex grabs my arm, stopping me before I can reach the descending trail. He pulls me toward him.
“Look, I’ve been here, too,” he says roughly. “Okay?”
“Where?”
“Here! Hating myself. Wanting to end it all.”
“You have?”
He blushes. “I think you know that.”
“I guess.”
“I felt helpless then, Win. Hopeless, too. I don’t want you to feel that way.”
“I’m not going to kill myself.”
“But you’ve tried before. When you were just a kid.”
“I didn’t try,” I say.
“Yes, you did. You told me. You were going to jump off that bridge. You had a plan.”