“Wouldn’t that get him kicked out of school?”
“No. I told you. He’s like a god when it comes to tennis. He never loses. Never. And so no one gives a fuck what Win Winters does.”
I shift my weight around. That’s not really true. A lot of people give a fuck. But it was right after the deal with Lex, and when I told the headmaster what the coach had said to me, he understood why I’d been mad. He understood why I couldn’t control my anger.
So it was your roommate this time, Winters? I know who you are. You’re not fooling me. You’re like the touch of death, aren’t you? There’s something about you that just makes people wish they were dead.…
“Lex,” Jordan starts.
“I’m not snitching on him, so shut up about that. You can do what you want, but I’m going to stay here and be with him. He’ll be different when the sun comes up. I know he will. I’ll be able to talk to him then.”
“I’ll stay with you,” she says quickly.
“Why? You don’t have to.”
“I will. I’m not leaving you guys here. It’s like two hours until morning, right?”
Two hours. Urgency and longing pulse through me. I lift my head higher. I try to howl one more time.
Nothing.
I lay my chest against the rock.
I wait.
chapter
thirty-two
antimatter
I returned to Charlottesville at the end of the summer. Two months later, I won our club’s Fall Classic tourney with ease. My parents cheered for me. Everyone did. I had no competition. I was peerless.
That same year, Keith withered while I flourished.
High school stole his confidence. His friends. His happiness. He spent days in bed, not talking, not eating. Just sleeping or staring at the ceiling.
Lee came over a couple of times, but Keith would lock his door and turn his music up very loud. He kept listening to that depressing Australian band and their song about thieving birds over and over. I hated it.
“Get out of here,” Lee said to me one afternoon. He’d caught me spying on him from the back stairwell.
“You’re fat,” I replied.
“Is that supposed to be an insult?”
“Well, you are.”
“Yeah, big fucking deal. You think this is my first time at the fat boy rodeo? If you want to hurt me, you’re gonna have to try harder, kid.”
“Leave Keith alone. He doesn’t want to talk to you.”
Lee walked down the hall toward me. He had khaki-colored parachute pants on and they made a swishing sound when he moved.
“You need to stay out of things that aren’t any of your business,” he snapped.
“My brother is my business.”
“God, you’re a pinhead. Don’t you get it? I actually care about him. He’s going to fail out of school if I don’t help him.”
“I’ll kill you,” I said, arching my back and creeping forward on my hands and knees. I curled my fingernails into the hardwood floor deep enough to leave marks. “If you don’t leave him alone, I’ll rip your head off. I’ll cut your fat body into fat little pieces. I’ll—”
“Drew!”
We both started. Keith stood in the hallway. His shoulders drooped. His eyes were very red and his cheeks were very hollow.
Lee trotted toward him. Swish, swish, swish, went his pants. They went into his room and closed the door.
*
I tossed and turned in my bed. Pilot curled at my feet as always.
A soft voice called my name.
I tossed more.
In my mind, the moon was full and I dreamed of wolves. I dreamed of power I would someday have.
“Drew…” The voice came again, pulling me into wakefulness.
“Go away,” I muttered, waving my arm.
“Can I sleep with you? I had a nightmare.”
My eyes fluttered open. Siobhan, sweet Siobhan, stood beside my bed, wearing a flowered nightgown and with her honey hair all rumpled. Her soft face held a flat expression, like she had no feelings, no depth, inside of her.
I sat up. I knew that look. I’d seen it in the mirror myself ever since that dark summer night. Not in New Hampshire, but another night, a year earlier, here, in my very own room. A night when I was not alone and not safe. A night when a monster had first prowled in, too familiar to resist.
A night before.
Before I hit Soren.
Before I became bad.
“Drew,” Siobhan whimpered. “Please. I’m scared.”
“Yeah, fine,” I mumbled, thinking of all the times Keith had comforted me up in Concord when Pilot wasn’t around. The way I’d needed him to feel protected. The bed creaked as my sister crawled beneath the sheets. I rolled onto my side. She curled against me.
*
“I need to talk to you,” I told Keith. My legs trembled.
He sat on the edge of the flagstone patio. The leaves had all fallen. The forecast called for a rare December snow. Something bright and glossy fluttered in his hands.
“What is that?” I asked, pointing.
Keith held it out to me. It was a brochure from the wildlife preserve we’d visited over a year ago. Semper Liberi, the place that kept animals too damaged to live on their own.