My mouth worked to call to him, but no sound came out. Instead, I bit down hard on my own fist.
Claws grew from my father’s hands like blades of grass sprouting from the earth, and the rattling grew louder, louder. It rose and swelled into an agonizing screech-scratching that made me want to run-flee-hide. I bit down harder (it’ll be over soon)
and the sharp taste of blood filled my mouth. I knew what was happening. I knew what was coming. But I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t tear my gaze away. I couldn’t help but watch as (soon soon soon)
he changed.
My father took a step back. His spine bulged and twisted. His skin stretched impossibly in all directions, as if something bad were lodged deep inside him, needing to work its way out. His hands flew to the top of his head, the new blade-claws digging, peeling, rending back his own scalp, a wrinkled gathered mass of hair and flesh that he worked furiously down toward his neck and shoulders.
Hand still jammed in my mouth, I had no more restraint. I screamed.
He twisted in my direction. My father was gone. A black wet whiskered snout pushed from where his head had been. Two dark ears stuck up like bat wings.
I choked. I wanted to die. Maybe I was already dead.
Jaws open wide, the wolf leapt for me.
And the stars began to sing.
Don’t look. Don’t. Look at the moon instead. Listen to it.
I jerked my head so that I could see out the window, out at the blackest night and the fullest moon. I tried losing myself in the lunar warmth, letting it wash over me, while somewhere else, in another world, another body, another mind, my heart beat madly, madly, too fast, like it wanted its job to just be done, finished, terminated. Over.
This is love, the stars sang. This is power. This is family.
Something famished and sick tore at my skin, tore at me. I cried out.
I felt pain. And fear.
But I held tight to the fierce promise of the moon.
I am not broken.
I am savage.
I endured.
chapter
twenty-nine
matter
I chase the night and it’s so obvious.
Me. It’s been up to me all this time.
What took so long? Deep down I know I may not be as strong as I appear. All these minutes, hours, days, years, spent with Jordan, Lex, Teddy, Mr. Byles, the ballerina, whomever, all this time I’ve just been stalling. I’ve clung to the belief that change will come by waiting for it.
How could I have been so stupid?
I aced chemistry. I know how change comes about.
Reactants are transformed into products when the matter involved undergoes an alteration of bonds.
But chemical reactions can take time, a lot of time if there isn’t a catalyst to speed things up.
A catalyst.
It’s the moon. I need as much of it as possible. In every cell. Every molecule. Every atom. Every quark. I know that now. I can no longer stand in my own way. It’s who I am. It’s what I am. From the kinky coils of my DNA to deeper still, I’m the product of the parts of me that matter and the parts I so wish didn’t.
Nothing more.
My bare feet read the forest floor like Braille. I’m heading up the mountain, to the highest elevation possible. The sharp rocks gouging the soles of my feet and the sound of dripping water echoing across the barren talus slopes tell me I’m getting close. I wind higher as the footpath narrows, and as I come around the northern side of the summit trail, rising above the tree line, there’s moonlight bouncing off the nearby rock wall, illuminating great sheets of mineral deposits. Sparks of quartz and mica dance in the amber glow, but it’s a strain to see real shapes or the trail’s sudden drop-off. I grit my teeth and slow down. I can move only so quickly given the darkness and the fact that I’m completely naked.
I bite back a laugh. So much for modesty. Just one more thing I need to let go of.
I think back to that night with Lex. That might have been the closest I’ve ever gotten to just being me. My true nature. No pretending to be good. No hiding behind different names, behind self-restraint.
A late storm brought snow to Vermont in mid-April. Soft flakes covered newborn crocuses peeking through the wet earth, like the quiet falling of the softest death. Lex wanted me to go with him and Teddy up to Eden for the Rite of Spring and I told him no like I always did, begging off easily due to a tennis match the following day. That wasn’t the real reason, though. Crowds made me unhappy. Other people made me unhappy. The way they pulled and pried with their hammer-claw questions. I had too much to hide to risk putting any part of myself out into the open. By being vulnerable.