I exhale. “Thanks.”
“But after the other day, in the biology lab, it struck me how serious you are with all this. So none of it’s funny anymore. It’s fucking sad. And I’m sorry that I handled things like I did back then. I mean, yeah, I was pissed you screwed around with the girl I liked, but after you told me, after you explained, well, I should have—” His voice cracks. He shakes his head more. Stuffs his fist into his mouth to keep the words from coming out.
I am confused. His show of emotion repulses me. Is he apologizing for being weak? Maybe he remembers that night differently from the way I do. In fact, I’m sure he does. He was drunk and angry, and after I went to sleep, he took a bunch of Vicodin. And he did it on purpose. I know that, even if he doesn’t. I was the clearheaded one that night, but we’ve never talked about it since. So it stands to reason he might not remember things accurately.
“You need help, Win,” he says.
I smile. “Tell me how you knew the dead guy.”
Lex’s mouth gapes. “Are you listening to me?”
“I’m listening to you avoid my questions.”
“Oh, wow. I’m not avoiding anything. Okay, I knew him because I bought drugs off him. Stupid, yeah, but that’s it. He was a dealer, my hookup, small-time stuff. I invited him. He bought the booze for us. That’s why he was at that party. Now the dumb-ass went and got himself mauled by a bear or a moose or a rabid badger, go figure. This is Vermont. It happens all the time. Who the fuck cares?”
“The drugs you took that night?”
Lex throws his hands in the air, exasperated. “Yes. Happy? It’s all totally irrelevant. Why are we talking about me? This is about you. You should, you know, talk to somebody. I’m serious. And it takes a hell of a lot for me to say that. I don’t believe in crap like that. Talking about emotions or taking meds when life gets hard, you know?”
“That’s ironic.”
“Fuck if I care,” he snaps bitterly. “What I mean is that I lived with you for two years. I didn’t say anything when you had those nightmares. All those times you woke up screaming. I didn’t care that you used to do that shit like hit yourself or stick your finger down your throat or whatever. I protected you.”
“Teddy says you’ve been drinking too much.”
He holds his hand up. “Just stop.”
“What?”
“Stop making this about me! Look, when I needed help, you helped me. And when you needed it, I bailed. I did worse than that. I treated you like shit. So just let me help you, okay?”
“What do I need help with?”
“You told me there’s a wolf inside of you.”
“Yes,” I breathe.
“That’s crazy, Win.”
“No, no, it isn’t,” I say.
“How can that be?”
How can it not?
“It just is. I know. I feel it.”
“Then why haven’t you changed?”
“I’m going to. It’s just, I’ve been…” I choose my words carefully. “Stressed.”
Lex sighs. “Well, explain it to me, then. Why you? I mean, I’m not a wolf.”
“Genetics. I don’t understand it all, but it must be some kind of mutation or a recessive thing. I’m pretty sure it’s linked to hormones and physical development, like puberty, you know? But maybe the stress hormones are holding me back. Cortisol can do that. Alter metabolism. Delay maturity.”
“You have an answer for everything.”
“I’ve done a lot of reading on the topic.”
Lex pauses. “You know, you also told me what happened with your brother and your sister. How they died. Why you changed your name.”
Even though Lex didn’t ask a direct question, I also have an answer for that. I really do. I have all the right words. But when my mouth opens, my vocal cords freeze. Nothing comes out.
Nothing.
chapter
twenty-four
antimatter
“Drink this.” Keith set a glass on the counter in front of me. We’d just returned from our hike.
I shot him a tentative glance.
“It’s water,” he said. The guilt in his voice was palpable. “Nothing else. I promise.”
I nodded and drank it. I still felt weak. The clock on the wall said it was after four in the afternoon. An entire day had vanished.
“You hungry?” Keith asked me.
I shook my head.
“Go lie down, then, or something. Rest. You look peaky.”
“What’s peaky?”
“Sick.”
“When will they be back?”
He shrugged. “Don’t know. Why?”
“I need to tell Gram I’m s-sorry. For hitting her.”
Keith rolled his eyes. “Oh, please. You don’t need to tell her anything.”
I felt like crying, just all of a sudden. “Is everyone mad at me?”
“No. Well, Gram started in a bit with how out of control you can be, but Dad told her to knock it off. Said you hadn’t meant to break anything, that traveling was hard on you.”
“He did? He said that?”
“Yup.”
“What about this?” I touched my bandages.