Her smile grows wider and less wry.
“You want to sit?” She points, and I shouldn’t. I should go. I should be alone. I should stop thinking and just be.
But I’m doing it.
I’m following her toward the bonfire.
I’m sitting beside her on a smooth, wide rock.
Jordan’s got her motorcycle boots tucked beneath her butt and I’ve got my feet flat on the ground and I’m trying not to let my leg touch hers because that would be weird. It’s also a challenge, seeing as we’re squeezed so close together, right between these tight clusters of students who haven’t given us a second look because we’re nobody and they don’t want to share their weed. Thank God.
“You don’t drink?” she asks.
“Not if I can help it.”
“Meaning there are times you can’t?”
“You’d be surprised,” I say, and she sort of smirks, but in a way that makes me think she’s confused. That’s good. It’s a sign I’m in control again.
“God, that Lex guy was such an ass,” she says. “I’m so sorry.”
Well, in truth, she’s part of the reason he was such an ass just now. I know that. I once fooled around with a girl Lex liked and he’s never forgiven me. But I’m not explaining all that to Jordan, and besides, the fact Lex wants to talk to me is what’s really out of the range of ordinary.
I don’t like it.
Not tonight.
I glance at Jordan. “Don’t worry about it.”
She sighs. “Well, I’m also sorry I made you come all this way.”
“It’s fine.”
“Wow, Win. I almost believe you when you say that.”
I respond to her sarcasm with a listless roll of my shoulders.
“You got low self-esteem or something?” she asks.
“What are you talking about?”
“I just mean, you let that guy crap all over you—tonight, the other day by the river. And if you actually—”
“Jordan, don’t,” I say.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t think you know me.”
“I don’t think that! It’s just, I’m trying to get to know you. And I’m not being judgmental, I swear. Lord knows I’m not in a position to judge anyone—”
“Oh, yeah? Why’s that?”
She grimaces, pointing to her beer before taking another swig. It’s already two-thirds empty. “Let’s change the subject, okay?”
“Are you asking my permission?”
“So,” Jordan says, her voice rising in pitch and decibels, “I didn’t know you played tennis.”
The crawling on my skin is like that involuntary response you get when coming across a pile of maggots or a nest of hatching spiders. Purely visceral. Like my body just wants to give up and die.
“I don’t play anymore,” I tell her through clenched teeth. “Never again.”
chapter
fourteen
antimatter
Simplify, simplify.
Later, the five of us found bikes in our grandfather’s shed and rode out to Walden Pond. I pedaled as fast as I could to outrun the deerflies, but once there, I just stood, frozen, on the shore in my swim trunks. Kids screamed and splashed all around me. Apparently ponds could be big. Like really big. I frowned. Technically, this was a lake. I was sure of it.
My toes curled around the pebbles that lined the beach. Maybe I shouldn’t go in. There were no lifeguards anywhere, just a couple of adults sitting at picnic tables, looking at their phones.
A yellow blur whizzed past me, launching into the water like a rocket. Then it called my name.
Phoebe.
I took a step closer.
“What are you doing?” she shouted. “Are your legs broken?”
“I don’t know if I feel like swimming,” I called back.
“But you’re the one who asked to come here!”
No, I hadn’t.
“Come on!” Phoebe waved her hands so wildly, it looked like she was having a seizure. The bald spot on the side of her head glistened with water and sun. I hurried toward her just to make her stop.