Rafe’s fingers tightened around her hand. “I had no choice, Catarina. None. They had noticed you. They asked too many questions and they wanted to meet you. I couldn’t have them speculating on whether or not you meant something to me. That would have put you in danger.”
“You want me to believe you humiliated me in front of your friends because somehow that would keep me out of danger?” Catarina poured incredulity into her voice.
She kept her gaze from shifting toward the kitchen door through sheer willpower. She’d have to check on Eli soon. She couldn’t stand not knowing if he was all right or not. There had been something in Rafe’s look when he’d directed his men to leave Eli alone. She didn’t believe that Eli was entirely safe.
“They aren’t friends,” he said, leaning toward her, his eyes steady on hers. “They are dangerous people I’m forced to do business with. I have one weakness. Only one. You make me vulnerable. If others know it, especially a crime family as dangerous as the Lospostos, you can be used as a weapon against me. What that means, Catarina, is they may take you and torture you. They may send you back to me in pieces. I wasn’t willing to risk you for your pride.”
She heard the truth in his voice and she didn’t want to. Her heart already bled for him – this man lost to his past – to the parents who abused and corrupted him. There was no redemption, no going back from what he’d done.
She licked her lips, forcing her mind to stay on Rafe and away from Eli. She knew Eli had a plan and she had to trust him, although what he could do hanging from chains with three male leopards who obviously hunted humans with Rafe in the swamp was beyond her comprehension.
“Rafe, I grew up in your home.”
“It’s your home too, Catarina.” His tone, still low, was very firm and decisive.
“I’m quite a lot smarter and more observant than you ever gave me credit for.”
“I’m well aware of that, although I’ve always known you were intelligent. I just underestimated you. I thought if I kept you from school, it would slow you down a little. Instead, you accelerated. That was my mistake and one I won’t make again with you.”
She didn’t know if that was praise or a warning. “The point is, I used your computer for my education, not my own. I hacked you. I know your business. I know what you do.”
“I’m very aware of that.” Now he did sound proud of her.
That pride made her heart ache all the more. “I know the arms deals. The drug deals. The prostitutes and even contract kills you arranged. I know where your money is. I’m a danger to you and to every business partner you have.”
“I’ve been aware of that for some time, Catarina.” He sat back, for the first time letting go of her. “You never once cooperated with law enforcement. You didn’t go to them. You refused to give them anything this time, even when you knew I would find out where you were the moment they brought you to a police station. You knew I would come after you. And you knew I’d find you. Still you didn’t take their deal. That’s not fear, Catarina. That’s loyalty. I’ve never once had anyone loyal to me. Anyone looking out for me. Not unless I paid them. You gave that to me.”
It wasn’t altogether a lie. There was more truth in his statement than she wanted to believe. He’d killed, and still there was a part of her that protected him and she didn’t understand why. She kept thinking she could find a way to save him. He’d grown up in what could only have been a nightmare world, but so had Jake Bannaconni. Jake had found a morality, lines he would never cross; Rafe had turned to killing to ease his own pain.
“What about those people you allow your leopard to hunt in the swamp, Rafe?” she asked quietly.
His eyes flickered, darkened. She saw the threat of his leopard there. The focused, piercing stare of the hunter. “I don’t kill those people, Catarina. My leopard does. It’s the only way I can restrain him. Every one of them was an enemy.”
“You brought women to our home to sleep with you. You hunted them. How could they be the enemy?”
“You go too far,” he hissed. “Do you have any idea how dangerous this conversation is for you?”
“I want to understand the things I didn’t as a child. The things about you that scared me. I’m giving you all the reasons I ran from you, Rafe. You were everything to me. My whole life. There was no one else. Only you. You didn’t hold me. You didn’t reassure me when I needed it. I tried to hold on. I tried to understand. But I knew what you were doing and it frightened me, especially when I felt her. My leopard. I was afraid she would hunt with yours. That she was a killer.”