Born to Endless Night (Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy, #9)

Alec’s eyes widened. He absorbed this in silence.

“You’re . . . still really young,” Magnus said. “I’m sorry if sometimes it seems as if I do not remember that. It’s strange to me—being immortal means both being young and being old are strange to me. I know I must seem strange to you sometimes.”

Alec nodded, thoughtful and not hurt. “You do,” he said, and leaned down with one hand gripping the side of the crib, touched Magnus’s hair, and gave him a moonlight-soft kiss. “And I never want anything but this. I never want a less strange love.”

“But you don’t have to be scared I would ever leave you,” said Magnus. “You don’t have to be scared of what will happen to the baby or that I will be hurt because the baby—is a warlock, and was not wanted. You do not have to feel trapped. You do not have to be scared, and you do not have to do this.”

Alec knelt down in the shadows and on the bare, dusty boards of the attic, next to the crib and facing Magnus.

“What if I want to?” he asked. “I’m a Shadowhunter. We marry young, and we have children young, because we might die young, because we want to do our duty to the world and have all the love in the world we can. I used to . . . I used to think I could never do that, never have that. I used to feel trapped. I don’t feel trapped now. I could never ask you to live in an Institute, and I don’t want to. I want to stay in New York, with you, and with Lily and Maia. I want to keep doing what we’re doing. I want Jace to run the Institute after my mother, and I want to work with him. I want to be part of the connection between the Institute and Downworlders. For so long I thought I could never have any of the things I wanted, except that I could maybe keep Jace and Isabelle safe. I thought I could have their backs in a fight. Now I have more and more people I care about, and . . . I want everyone I care about—I want people I don’t even know, I want all of us—to know we have each other’s backs so we do not have to fight alone. I am not trapped. I’m happy. I am exactly where I want to be. I know what I want, and I have the life I want. I’m not scared of any of the things you said.”

Magnus took a deep breath. It was better to ask Alec than to keep imagining the wrong thing. “What are you scared of, then?”

“Do you remember Mom suggesting calling the baby Max?”

Magnus nodded, carefully quiet.

He had never even met Alec’s little brother, Max. Robert and Maryse Lightwood had always tried to keep their children away from Downworlders, and Max had been too young to disobey.

Alec’s voice was soft, both for the baby and with memory. “I was never the cool brother. I remember when Mom used to leave Max with me, when he was really little, just learning how to walk, and I was always scared he would fall down and it would be my fault. I’d constantly try to get him to obey the rules and do what Mom said. Isabelle was so great with him, always making him laugh, and by the Angel, Max wanted to be just like Jace. He thought Jace was the coolest, the best Shadowhunter who ever lived, that the sun rose and set on him. Jace gave him a little toy soldier and Max used to take it to bed with him. I was jealous of how much Max loved that toy. I used to give him other things, toys that I thought were better, but he always loved that soldier best. He died holding that toy for comfort. I’m so glad he had it, that he had something he loved to comfort him. It was stupid and petty to be jealous.”

Magnus shook his head. Alec gave him a rueful smile, and then bowed his black head, looking at the floor.