His gaze turned suddenly serious as he went back to their earlier topic. “So what’s the worst thing that ever happened to you?”
Her heart dropped at the unexpected question. Now she understood his defensiveness. But in her case, she had nothing to hide. She lived with her pain every day. “Watching my sister die in my arms.”
The color drained from his face as he let out an audible gasp. “What happened?”
“Training accident.” Her throat tightened as the familiar pang of grief choked her. “My aunt had been pushing us on an obstacle course. Shayla went to climb over a spiked barrier while Narcissa was fighting her and the rope broke. I can still hear her scream as she fell in front of me. I tried to grab her, but she weighed too much to hold. She slipped right past me and was impaled before I could stop it. I did my best to save her eve after she’d fallen. But the spikes had cut through her femoral artery and she bled out in a matter of minutes.”
A muscle worked in his jaw as if he felt her pain too. “I’m so sorry.”
She blinked several times, trying to banish the sting in her eyes. She wouldn’t weep in front of him. It was forbidden. Still, the pain of losing her sister bit deep and she would give anything if she could have kept her from dying. To have that one moment back and to undo it. Why was life so unfair?
“You know my mother didn’t even cry. When we told her about Shayla’s fall, she glared at us and said that’s what happens when you’re incompetent. She said a real warrior would have been able to save herself, and if I’d been stronger and quicker, I might have been able to spare her. She claimed it was the will of the gods that Shayla died for her weakness. But I don’t believe that.”
“How old was she?” he asked.
“Sixteen.”
He let out a low whistle. “And you?”
“Fourteen.”
Caillen wanted to beat her mother for the cruelty. Not just in her sister’s death, but for the coldness of not comforting Desideria. Telling a kid that it was her fault her sister had died in front of her… What a bitch. That was just so wrong. “What happened to your other sister?”
That too was forever etched into her memory. Even now, it played out in slow motion in her mind. “Narcissa killed her in a practice match. They were sparring and Cissy’s sword strike cut her throat when she accidentally tripped over a piece of broken tile in the ring.”
Looking back now, she wondered how much of an accident it’d been. If Narcissa was trying to kill their mother to rule, it would make sense that she’d sabotaged the tile and then used it to kill Bethali.
He curled his lip. “How old was she?”
“Seventeen.”
His scowl left deep lines in his forehead. “Why were you using real swords for a practice match?”
She didn’t comprehend his anger. “You don’t use fake ones in battle. Why would you use them in practice?”
“Because it’s stupid to use something that could kill the person you’re training. They don’t even do that in the League at that age, and believe me, those bastards seldom pull punches.”
His words offended her. “They’re not training Qillaqs.”
“Do you really believe what you’re saying?”
She wanted to keep her bluster up and defend her people. But the truth was very different. “No. I thought it was ridiculous to kill them over simple mistakes and I hate that they’re no longer with me. I like to think that when I have a child, I’ll be kinder to her and protect her better.” But she lived in fear every day that she’d wake up as heartless as her mother and sister.
As heartless as her aunt.
And that brought out another memory that she did her best to keep to herself. Yet, sitting here with Caillen, it came tumbling out of her mouth before she could stop it. “You know I had a brother.”
His jaw went slack. “Really? What happened to him?”
“I don’t know. He was born before I was and sent away. My aunt would use his disappearance to motivate us. She’d say that if we didn’t please her or my mother, we’d be sent away too.”
Her gaze burned him as all those threats and fear of what had become of her brother poured through her. “I’ve never told anyone about this before. Talking isn’t exactly something we do and shared confidences are the worst sort of suicidal act. Whatever is said will be used against you at the worst possible time.”
“Then why tell me?”
She shook her head as she tried to understand that herself. “I don’t know. Weird, huh?”
“Not really. We’re in a bad situation, stuck in a hole for a few hours alone. People do all kinds of strange things when they’re under fire.”
The way he said that… it made her wonder what experience of his had prompted it. “So what’s the strangest thing you’ve ever done while being chased?”
“Strangest or stupidest?”
“Is there a difference?”
He paused then smiled. “Not really. My strangest probably was my dumbest move of all time.”
“Which was?”
“I shot my sister.”