10
“YOU WHAT?” THE WORDS WEREN’T SO MUCH SPOKEN as hurled at me.
I wrung my hands. “He couldn’t die, Declan. He just couldn’t. This was the only option.”
He stared at me like I was a complete stranger to him—as if we hadn’t spent the last two weeks together, sometimes nonstop in each other’s company. Declan hated vampires. He cared about Noah. Now Noah was a vampire. The two components couldn’t fit together for him.
I’d asked Matthias to do this because I’d truly believed it was the right decision. I hadn’t faltered, hadn’t had second thoughts. Until now.
I couldn’t keep a job because I didn’t follow the rules. I’d tried my best, but it rarely felt right to me. The proper rule according to Declan would have meant I let Noah die earlier tonight. Since I’d broken it, I now had to answer for my actions.
Declan pulled the blade away from Matthias’s chest. Matthias glared at him as if he wanted to tear Declan’s head off his body and use it as a paperweight. Pulling a knife on a former king didn’t show a great deal of respect.
My throat felt strained, but I had to make him understand. “Please try to see that this is for the best.”
“Noah’s a monster now, and it’s your fault.”
I flinched. My confidence in my decision was fading fast. I wished I could argue with him, but at the moment I couldn’t. I hadn’t expected a dead-eyed zombie who only looked like Noah to walk through the door.
Declan turned to look at Matthias. “What’s in it for you? Why would you do this?”
“Jillian asked me to save her friend. I agreed.”
“Out of the goodness of your heart.”
“Is that so hard for you to believe?”
“Yeah, I’m afraid it is. Especially when I see the results.” Declan shot a look toward the unconscious fledgling vampire and swore under his breath.
“He likely won’t be like that forever,” Matthias said.
“You don’t sound entirely convinced of that.”
“Fledglings either take to being a vampire within a day, or they—don’t. Noah was in bad shape, weakened and drained. I do hope for the best.”
“That’s just not good enough.”
“There are more pressing matters to deal with right now.” Matthias didn’t sound the least bit friendly or compassionate. “My brother has been awakened. Your father.”
Declan’s shoulders stiffened. “Where is he right now?”
“I don’t know. Through our bond, I felt everything, saw everything, and then it vanished from my mind. However, the moment I find out where he is, he needs to be dealt with.”
“I can’t handle this bullshit right now. I need to find Jade again.” He pressed his fingers to his temples. “I feel the violence inside me raging right now like a storm. It’s getting worse by the second. I have to figure out how to control this or something very bad is going to happen.”
He reached for the handle of the front door.
“Declan—” I ran toward him and grabbed his tense arm. “Don’t go. Please, I know you’re pissed off, but you have to understand why I—”
“Don’t touch me.” He grabbed my wrist so hard I let out a shriek of pain. Fury flashed in his gaze as his grip tightened on me. He growled and pushed me away from him so I staggered backward. “F*ck!”
He turned and smashed his fist through the lower rung of the staircase, smashing it in half, then came at me, grabbing me by my upper arms before I could scramble away from him. He pushed me up against the wall hard enough to knock the breath right out of me.
“Declan, no—”
Whatever reasoning and compassion had been in his gaze earlier was only a memory, replaced by fury. It was just like last night just before he’d torn the motel room apart. His violent and out-of-control dhampyr nature had been triggered, and it was focused on me. I was the one who’d made the decision for Noah to be sired. I was the one he blamed for it.
The hate I saw in his cold gray eye froze my insides. This wasn’t real. This wasn’t Declan. There had to be something I could do, something I could say.
“Let go of me.” I tried to sound strong and fierce.
“I want to kill you right now,” he growled, and his hand closed on my throat. “Damn it. I can’t control this.”
I shook my head, feeling hot tears streak down my cheeks.
Matthias grabbed Declan’s arm tightly, but not enough to completely pull him away. “You’re hurting her, dhampyr. I know you don’t want to do that. Stop this before I make you.”
His voice was surprisingly calm.
Declan’s broad chest heaved and his face was red with barely controlled rage. There was a soulless, sour, violent look on his face for a horrible drawn-out moment before he finally released me. I gasped for breath and put a hand to my tender throat.
Regret slid behind his gaze. “I’m sorry. I—I need to get away from you. Now.”
He turned and left the house, slamming the door behind him.
Matthias looked at me. “Let him go, Jillian.”
I would, but that would be following the rules.
I ran after Declan and caught up with him at the end of the driveway. “Wait!”
He stopped walking and looked over his shoulder at me. “Why are you following me after what I did in there?”
I swallowed hard and wiped at my face. “That wasn’t you.”
“It was me. And I’m still feeling it, Jill. Stay back from me. I don’t want to hurt you.” There was pain in his voice to replace the rage I’d heard before.
“Please, Declan, come back inside and we can deal with this.”
“I have to find Jade. I have to get to the bottom of what’s happening to me before it’s too late. And then I have to deal with this on my own.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “You’ll be back in a couple of hours though, right?”
He didn’t speak for a moment, then shook his head. “I’m not coming back.”
My breath caught. “What? You can’t say that.”
“The only reason I’ve stayed with you is to protect you from everything that could hurt you. Don’t you see that I can’t protect you from me? The way I felt in there, the way I’m still feeling.” His face was hard and tense. “I’m dangerous. To you. And I won’t stick around and see what happens next. I have enough blood on my hands without adding yours to the list.”
I was finding it difficult to breathe. “That’s the only reason you’ve stayed with me? To protect me?”
“It’s better this way, trust me. I’m better on my own and so are you.”
I shook my head, panic swirling inside me. “There has to be another way.”
“There isn’t.”
“Declan—”
His jaw clenched. “You told that f*cking vampire to sire Noah and you saw the result. And you won’t even admit it was a shitty decision.”
“I did what I thought was best. It doesn’t mean you have to leave.”
“That was only the final push I needed to come to my senses.” There was no hesitation or any other indication that he was having a difficult time with this decision. “Don’t make this harder on yourself.”
I finally felt a spark of anger ignite inside me. He was being irrational and reactive, wanting to run away with his tail between his legs the moment he felt something he couldn’t control. “Fine. Go. I can take care of myself. You only wanted to protect me because you knew all of this is your fault.” I twisted the words to try to hurt him as much as he was trying to hurt me. “Well, I only stayed with you so you would protect me. And I don’t need you anymore when you’re like this. I have Matthias now.”
His lips twitched into a humorless smile. “There’s the spirit. I had a feeling you were hot for the vampire after I found out what happened between you two. Can’t blame you that much. He’s everything I’m not. Go ahead and f*ck his brains out. I don’t really give a shit anymore.”
His words, way crueler than mine could ever be, made my heart break. “I thought you said you were leaving?”
“I’ve been gone for a while, Jill. You just haven’t realized it yet.” He walked to the car, got in, and drove away.
I just stood there feeling bruised and shaken. He’d promised not to leave me, but he was gone and he wasn’t coming back. I touched the tears sliding down my cheeks to make sure they weren’t made of blood. They weren’t. Real tears.
I went back into the house and looked at Matthias, whose expression was unreadable. He was crouched next to Noah as if he’d been checking to make sure he was all right.
“He’s gone?” he asked.
I nodded.
And then the fusing potion kicked in, bringing me to my knees with an agonizing pain I hadn’t had a chance to prepare myself for. It didn’t even do me the courtesy of knocking me out this time. At least when I was unconscious, I couldn’t feel anything. It was a small thing to hope for.
This time I suffered. And part of me knew I deserved it.
I WAS DYING. I HAD TO BE. THE PAIN WASN’T GOING away. It froze everything out of my head—no images of Declan as he left me standing on the driveway alone. No worries about Kristoff rising up and taking over the world. No concern for Noah’s newly destroyed existence. Just pain.
It wasn’t long—minutes, hours, I didn’t know—until I began to pray for death.
“Please . . .” I writhed around, clutching the bedsheets. Matthias had helped me upstairs to the bedroom where I was now. It was dark and cool in there but it didn’t make any difference.
He grabbed my face. “Open your eyes, Jillian.”
I whimpered and tried to do as he asked. Tears blurred my vision but I could see enough to realize he looked grim.
“Can you survive this?” he asked.
I shook my head. “No. It’s too much. Kill me . . . please kill me.”
His jaw tightened and he swore under his breath. “That’s not an option.”
Then he was gone, leaving me there alone. The pain came in waves, I was either screaming or I was in shallow recovery for a few seconds before it crashed over me again.
Then I felt his hand at the back of my head, lifting me up. “Look at me, Jillian.”
He wiped at my eyes with a tissue so I could see him clearer.
“Can you make the pain go away?” I asked.
“Yes. But I need to influence you.”
I just nodded and felt his gaze deepen as if he was reaching right inside of me. It was a strange drawing sensation deep in my gut and it made the pain intensify to a white-hot peak.
“No—what are you doing?” I clutched at him, unable to look away from his gray eyes, hearing pathetic sputtering noises coming from myself.
“It’s all right, Jillian. It’s going to be all right. I won’t let you die. Not like this.”
“But, why—”
“This will help you. Drink.” He pressed a glass to my lips and tilted it back. I coughed and choked but managed to swallow a few mouthfuls. “Now rest. I’ll check on you later.”
He finally broke the influence he’d had over me, which didn’t feel as if it had helped at all. I watched him walk out of the room, glass in hand. A moment after I heard the click of the door closing behind him, my vision closed in on either side of me and I finally slipped into blissful unconsciousness.
WHEN I WOKE THE PAIN WAS GONE. AT LEAST, THE searing agony caused by the fusing potion was. I still felt the emotional pain from watching Declan leave with a promise to never come back.
It was over. He’d had his say. I never realized how he felt about this situation. I’d fooled myself into believing there was more between us than a bodyguard and his current charge. He managed to set me straight about that.
Still, I fought it, trying to rationalize things that made no sense. According to his last words to me, Declan didn’t care what I did or who I did it with.
Fine. So be it.
He hadn’t been here when I’d been close to death. He hadn’t held my hand while I plunged face-first through the worst pain I’d felt to date. That had been Matthias. His influence, or whatever he’d done to me, had helped a great deal. For that I’d be grateful to him for pretty much forever.
Declan said he’d never leave me. Well, here I was alone. He’d lied to me after promising not to do that. I was on my own and I had to make this work. Since it looked as if I was still breathing, I’d have to find a way to make sure I continued to do that now and into the future.
I was going to see my sister again. I set an image of her in my head, clear as the last time I’d seen her. She looked a lot like me—the old me. Blond, blue-eyed, smiling. She was my goal. When I saw Cathy again, I could finally breathe a sigh of relief and know for certain I’d managed to survive this. Until that moment, I had to keep fighting.
A glance at the clock told me it was nearly noon, meaning I’d slept for more than twelve hours. I brushed my teeth and showered, relishing the feel of the hot water beating into my aching body. My brain worked much better when I wasn’t covered in blood. From my tote bag I retrieved my one change of clean clothes—thin black yoga pants and a canary yellow tank top. My stomach growled and I braced myself for more pain, but nothing came. It only indicated that I was hungry.
Downstairs I cringed as I saw Noah sitting on the ceramic tiles of the foyer. Matthias had tied his wrists firmly to the staircase railing. He stared at me as I passed by, giving him a wide berth. He didn’t pull at his bindings or struggle to free himself, but I knew he could smell me. The veins I recognized as a sign of a vampire’s hunger were a visible web over his entire face and grew darker when I got closer to him.
His breathing was rapid, panting, almost like a dog’s. His eyes were still black and vacant.
Was this normal for a fledgling? Matthias said something like that last night. I scanned the downstairs to see if Matthias was around to ask him more about it, but I didn’t see him anywhere.
Kristoff wanted to create many fledgling vampires in his quest to take over humanity. There would be thousands, millions, of fledglings that would have the same control as Noah did right now. Vampires who couldn’t be reasoned with, who only wanted to feed, not much better than monster dhamps.
The thought scared the shit out of me and only made everything more real.
It made my heart ache to know I’d made the decision that changed Noah into this thing that wore his face, but was nothing like the Noah I’d come to know.
“Noah,” I said quietly. “Are you in there? Please, tell me if you are.”
Those black eyes moved to my face. He sniffed the air and his veins grew darker. He finally strained against his bindings as he tried to reach for me. “Blood.”
I covered my mouth with my hand and choked back a sob. This was a mistake. I never should have done this to somebody I claimed to care about. If I’d known what it would do—
“Jill . . .” It was a softer spoken word this time. Noah’s brows had drawn together as if he was feeling some pain of his own.
I inhaled and it sounded very shaky. “Noah, is that really you?”
He gave me a small nod. “Wh-where’s Declan?”
“He’s gone.” It was all I said, and I forced myself to twist my pain into anger again. I’d have to do that every time I thought of him from now on or I was seriously going to lose it.
Noah moaned and it sounded broken. “He hates vampires. He hates me now.”
“No, don’t say that. He doesn’t.”
“He’s going to kill me.”
“I won’t let him.”
He let out a quiet shaky laugh. “I’d like to see you try to stop him.”
I took a couple steps closer to him.
“Stay back,” Matthias warned from behind me. I wasn’t sure where he’d come from, but it was inside the house since I knew he couldn’t go out during daylight hours. Vampires didn’t burn up from letting sunlight hit their skin, but the sun did fry their eyes and make them go blind. Dark sunglasses allegedly made no difference at all.
I crossed my arms. I felt uncomfortable and awkward and scared as well as feeling a strange welling of gratitude toward him for helping me last night. I did my best to hide all of the above since none of it was the least bit helpful.
“Why, Jill?” Noah asked. The veins faded a little. He didn’t have to elaborate on what he meant.
“Because—” I bit my bottom lip. “Because I didn’t want you to die. I was selfish and stupid and seeing you bleeding so badly after that vampire attacked you was killing me.”
Another barely audible snort. “You’re such a softy.”
“That’s me.”
He grimaced. “You have no idea what you smell like to me now, do you?”
I shook my head. “You need to control it, Noah. I know you can do it. If you bite me—”
“I’ll die. Got that.”
“So . . .” I sniffed and wiped my hand under my nose. “Just suck it up and deal with this. We need you to not flake out on us.”
“Bitch.”
“That’s right.”
He looked up at me balefully, and those black eyes were freaking me out. “Well, on the plus side I won’t age a day over twenty-four. It’s my birthday today.”
I pressed my lips together for a moment as I tried not to break down right in front of him. “Happy birthday.”
He laughed a little louder at that. “Wish I could say I craved some birthday cake. I had no idea that the scent of blood was like f*cking crack.”
I forced myself to turn away from him and started up the stairs. “I’m sorry, Noah.”
“Don’t be sorry. Just . . . be careful when you’re around me, okay? I don’t know how well I can handle this.” He sounded scared and worried.
I nodded. “Careful’s my middle name.”
He smiled, which looked more like a grimace, and squeezed his eyes shut. I took that as a good exit line and quickly made my way up the stairs, running by the time I got to the top.
He was going to be fine. He was. I refused to believe otherwise.