Between the Lives

chapter TWELVE


Wellesley, Sunday / Roxbury, Monday


After I’d had a shower, flipped through the Harvard course guide and even cleaned my room, I still had an hour to go and my hands were trembling. I’d never Shifted knowing that I was going back to a drugged version of myself. The idea terrified me, and once again I had to run to the bathroom and throw my head over the toilet. Peach tart is disturbingly self-preserving.

I don’t know how many times I was sick, only that it was a new record. As the minutes ticked by, my level of franticness built. I had absolutely no way to prepare for what was to come, and no way of controlling it after the Shift.

I hated it at the best of times – Shifting from one life to the next. I’d worked hard over the years to perfect the routines that meant I had to face as little of this panic as possible. This time, even more so than Shifting with Dex’s tongue down my throat, that one small element of myself I usually had control over had been stolen from me.

I threw up again.

Finally, determined not to Shift back to Wellesley tomorrow night to find myself mid-vomit and over the toilet, I forced myself to my feet and shuffled back to bed. I slid between the sheets just in time to take a series of shaky breaths before midnight struck and I Shifted.



As soon as I was back in my Roxbury body I felt the dead weight. It was like being paralysed while sinking in water. I couldn’t move.

I. Couldn’t. Move.

My eyes were shut and I couldn’t access the muscles in my body that would open them. I wanted to thrash around, shake myself, slap myself. I wanted to scream. But my mind, completely alert, was imprisoned in an inert, silent chamber of a body. And then, whatever it was that was coursing through my system, the drug that had originally put me under started to catch up with me. No, chase me.

I don’t know how long it took from when I Shifted. Even though it felt like a lifetime, it was probably only seconds before the drug with its cotton wool–like suffocation stole my conscious mind, melting it back into a sedated state.

Just before my mind slipped into oblivion, I thought I felt a pressure on my hand, as if … as if someone was holding it, squeezing tight.



A noise woke me. First my eyes fluttered, then my fingers twitched lethargically. I heard the noise again, and realised it was voices. Slowly my mind cleared. I was in Roxbury, in the clinic. My parents had had me admitted. I’d been sedated. By Ethan.

I opened my eyes to a slit. Everything was blurry, but I could recognise my parents. As my vision sharpened I saw they were talking to two men: Dr Meadows and a man I didn’t know. Then I saw another figure beyond them, leaning against the doorframe. I almost started when I realised it was Ethan. Slumped against the door jamb in his dark jeans and long-sleeved T-shirt, his hair as wayward as ever, he didn’t look like he belonged.

‘It’s up to you, John,’ Dr Meadows said, addressing my father. ‘If you want her transferred to another facility that’s better equipped for this type of thing, I totally understand. Otherwise, she can stay here. Dr Levi has offered his services and he’s one of the best. He stops by on a daily basis to tend to some of the other in-patients – he’s offered to add Sabine to his rounds,’ he explained.

I stayed silent; I knew if they realised I was awake they would take this discussion elsewhere and I needed to hear it.

‘Dr Levi, what do you think we’re dealing with here?’ my father said, as if asking a mechanic about a busted car.

‘I’ll need to spend some time with her to make any formal diagnosis. She’s obviously experienced some kind of mental breakdown. She could be suffering from a number of things: hallucinations, substance abuse, compulsive lying, a personality disorder –’

‘Schizophrenia?’ my father interrupted.

‘It’s possible. We’ve sent her bloods off to be tested. The easiest thing to identify or rule out is a drug problem. We’ll start there.’

‘Christ.’

‘I assure you we’ll take good care of her. The main thing at the moment is to ensure that she doesn’t make another attempt on her life.’

Someone cleared his throat. I opened my eyes a fraction again just as Ethan pushed off the wall. ‘Ah, Dr Levi, I … I’m not so sure that’s what she was doing. She appears to know full well the injuries inflicted were not life threatening. I dressed the wounds myself. They’re nasty, but for someone who is currently on SW she was incredibly careful to avoid major arteries.’

‘She broke her own arm!’ my father roared.

Ethan didn’t seem bothered, which almost made me smile. ‘Again, I’m not sure that’s true.’

I wanted to applaud Ethan and give my father the finger.

Dr Levi chose this moment to intervene. ‘Do you have a suggestion for what we should be looking for, Ethan? Clearly you’ve managed to draw some information from her.’

Ethan was silent for a moment and then he sighed. ‘I don’t know. Like you said, she’s clearly going through some kind of psychological trauma. She was petrified about being restrained last night, with a particular fear of midnight.’

Something inside me sank to hear him analysing me in such a detached way.

‘What I want to know is when she became so disturbed she created an entirely different world.’ Mom spoke up for the first time. She wasn’t crying today. No, she’d pulled herself together the way Mom always did, and now she was on a mission.

‘Different world? Sorry?’ Ethan said.

Mom straightened. ‘My daughter believes she lives in an alternate reality. She says she goes there every night. To another life!’ she shrieked.

‘Oh my god,’ Ethan whispered. I felt the urge to jump up and tell him it wasn’t like that, but really … it was. They just didn’t realise it didn’t make me delusional.

‘Ethan, you might be of some assistance with this patient,’ Dr Levi said.

My father scoffed. ‘He’s a nurse. He’s hardly equipped to be dealing with this.’

‘Actually, along with his nursing qualifications, Ethan has been studying Psychiatry. He’s one of my star pupils and has a very promising future ahead of –’ Dr Levi stopped mid-sentence before awkwardly starting up again. ‘Establishing a connection is key in these cases. If Sabine has already formed a bond with Ethan, he may be our best hope of getting her to open up.’

‘Ah, I don’t think … I can’t … No. She needs someone more … someone better,’ Ethan stammered.

‘And I will be here,’ Dr Levi continued as if Ethan hadn’t spoken. ‘I’ll assess her when she wakes up and hold daily sessions with her. But if Dr Meadows does not object, Ethan will be given charge of her during the night shift. It’s not the most conventional method, but it’s possibly the time she might feel the most comfortable opening up.’

Ethan started up again. ‘Dr Levi, I’m not the one to … You know why this is not … Please don’t –’

‘Ethan, what’s the problem? You’re here anyway. May as well keep busy.’ Dr Levi shrugged as if it was all decided.

Before Ethan could object again I rolled over, keeping my eyes closed.

‘She’s starting to wake up,’ Dr Meadows said.

No shit.

‘Here are some of her things,’ Mom said quickly.

‘We’ve checked it all as you requested,’ my father added.

‘Thank you. Would you like to stay and talk to her?’ Dr Meadows asked.

‘Er, no. We have to get back to the drugstore. We’ll stop by in the next day or so,’ he said. I heard their footsteps as they walked towards the door.

‘Very well. I assure you she is in good hands.’

I heard my father stop. When he spoke his voice was low and private. ‘Dr Levi, we’re sure you understand. We work in this industry. It would not do well for too much of this to get out into the medical community … We need to protect our business.’

‘Discretion is a given, John.’ It was the right thing to say, but the reply sounded weary.

‘Well then, let’s keep her here,’ he said firmly.

‘Certainly, John,’ Dr Meadows said. ‘I’ll see you out.’

I waited until I was sure my parents were gone. They hadn’t wanted to talk to me, but the feeling was definitely mutual. I didn’t know if I could ever look at them again.

‘You can open your eyes now,’ came Dr Levi’s voice from beside me.

I looked up at him. He was the only one who’d stayed behind. ‘How did you know?’

He smiled. ‘Years of experience. So, where should we go from here?’

I turned my head to the side and took a few shaky breaths. ‘Am I going to be tied down again?’

‘I hope not. The clinic doesn’t like to use force to achieve its goals. Hopefully you will soon see that. We have four levels here, though you will be confined to the lower two. The second floor is the eating disorders unit; drug and alcohol on the third, and the top floor is long stay and terminal care.’

Wow, fun times.

‘And where am I?’ I didn’t imagine they had a floor for multiple lives.

‘This is the first floor; it caters for both mood disorders and intensive care. For now, you will be confined to your room until you earn privileges.’

‘Privileges?’

He nodded. ‘Once we start working together and you show a willingness to cooperate, we can add privileges to your daily program. Outside time, personal items, television, phone – those kinds of things.’

He checked his watch while I stared at him in horror. Privileges? As in out-frickin-side time? I was in prison!

There was a knock at the door and Ethan came in.

‘I’m off now, but I’ll be back tonight, Levi,’ he said.

‘Thank you, Ethan. Leave a report for me in the morning.’

With a nod he backed out, barely glancing in my direction before closing the door. I don’t know why it vexed me, but it did.

Dr Levi turned back to me. ‘Right, well, I have rounds to make. We’ll meet every day at 10 a.m., starting today. The nurse will bring you to my office. Do you have any questions?’

I pressed my lips together to stop from crying. When I had myself under control I ventured, ‘My parents said they brought some stuff?’

He pointed to the small bag on the floor. ‘These items have been approved, along with the clothes you were wearing when they brought you in. They’ve been washed and placed in your cupboard.’

I swallowed. ‘Is there a bathroom?’

‘Yes, but you will be escorted there for now. You’ve been allocated a day nurse who will assist you.’

He saw the tears welling in my eyes and sighed. ‘Sabine, it will get easier. Things seem at their worst right now, but we are going to help you find the clarity you need.’

Clarity? Right. By sedating me, tying me up and not letting me go to the bathroom on my own? Things really couldn’t be clearer.

Instead of arguing, I turned my head towards the wall. He’d never get it, and I had no intention of trying to explain anything to him.