Becoming Sarah

chapter NINE


A door opened behind me. “Sarah? Is t-that you?”

I swiped at my eyes with my fingertips. My fingers came away moist. “Matt. Hi.”

He flashed me a puppy-dog smile. “You remembered my name.”

“Of course.”

“So, what’s going on? I thought I heard. . .”

“Yeah.” I shrugged and forced a laugh. “I was yelling at myself for being such an idiot. I locked myself out. Hey, mind if I use your phone to call a locksmith?”

“Maybe I can do better than that. Come on in.”

I followed Matt into his apartment. Pretty sparse furnishings, but clean for a bachelor pad. A pile of Dominoes pizza boxes in the kitchen, a big TV dominating the living room, a wall calendar featuring women in swimsuits. Matt noticed me noticing the calendar. Color flooded his cheeks. “That’s my roommate’s. He’s not here a lot. He’s got a girlfriend over in the Marina. You’ve probably seen him around – he’s got red hair?”

“Um, yeah. I think I’ve seen him.”

Matt motioned me over to a window in the living room. “So anyway, I thought maybe I could climb up the fire escape here and get into your place. If you haven’t locked the window, that is. Have you?”

“I’m not sure.” It was kind of cute the way Matt talked fast when he was nervous. He was starting to grow on me. “Are you sure it’s not too dangerous? Because I can just –“

“No, no. No problem. Let me give it a try.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

Matt opened his window and crawled outside. I leaned out to watch him climb the ladder to the fourth floor. “Careful!” I called.

He jiggled my window. “I’ve got it! It’s not locked,” he hollered down. “I’m going in. Meet me at your front door, okay?”

I climbed the stairs and arrived in time to see Matt open my door from the inside. “Welcome, madame,” he joked as he ushered me inside.

“Thank you so much.”

We stood in my living room. An awkward moment of silence loomed between us. “Uh, so. . .” he began, just as I said, “Well, anyway. . .”

We laughed together, which broke the tension. “You first,” he said.

“Would you like something to drink?”

“Sure, please.”

I opened the fridge. “I’ve got water or, um, that’s about it.”

“Water’s fine.”

I fetched two glasses, added ice, and poured the Evian. We stood in the kitchen. “It’s funny,” Matt said, “but there’s something about you – you seem different than before.”

“Yeah? In what way?” I really was curious, not worried that Matt would see through my pretense. “What am I usually like?”

“Oh, um, I didn’t mean – that is, I’m not saying I know you very well. It’s just that today, you know, you’re kind of. . .warmer.” He was blushing. “Maybe that’s the wrong word. I don’t know. You seem more down to earth. Not that you were aloof or anything before.”

“No, it’s okay.” Heat rose to my cheeks, too. “So, I guess we’ve never had much of a chance to talk.”

He shook his head. “You’re always rushing somewhere, all dressed up for something. You’ve never had much time to hang around and chat. Not that you’re rude or anything. God, I’m sorry. I’m always saying the wrong things.” He buried his face in his hands.

I smiled and touched his arm. “That's not true. But just so you know, I feel that way, too. All the time.”

He raised his head. “You? No way. You’ve always seemed so confident.”

If only he knew. “Not always.” I laughed. “I’ve hardly been confident the last couple of times you've seen me. In fact, I've been a total mess."

“Yeah.” He tilted his head toward me. “For some reason I’m thinking there’s more wrong today than getting locked out.”

Where to begin? This was the first time in days I’d had a normal conversation, and I wasn’t about to spoil it with huge lie. On the other hand, he would hardly believe the truth. “You’re right,” I said, “but I can’t really talk about it.”

“If you ever want to, you know where I live.”

“Thanks.” I had a sudden thought. “Hey, you can help with something. Somehow I managed to lose the address for our landlord, and my rent is late. You wouldn’t happen to have it, would you?”

“Sure, downstairs. I’ll get it for you.”

I followed Matt to his apartment, where he wrote out Charles Young’s address. “Thanks again,” I said. “For everything.”

“Sure. Hey, have you had dinner?”

“Not yet.”

“There’s this Italian place in North Beach that’s really good. Uh, maybe I c-could take you tonight?”

He’d relaxed earlier and lost his stutter, but it was back. I realized this wasn’t a casual question. “Like, on a date?”

“Uh, I guess. Yeah.”

A part of me was tempted. Matt seemed to like me, Jamie, as a person. He was easy to talk to. He was even, in his own way, kind of cute. If I'd still been in my old body, I would have been thrilled that he'd asked me out. But I wasn't in my old body. I was in Sarah's, and she could have any guy she wanted. I couldn't quite picture someone like Sarah dating someone like Matt.

Besides, I already had a boyfriend -- Nick. A gorgeous, charming boyfriend who was supposed to call me tonight. I also had Sarah’s friends coming over in a few hours.

“I can’t,” I said.

Matt’s face fell, but he shrugged. “Sure, I understand.”

“I’m kind of with someone.”

“The blonde guy. Yeah, I’ve seen him around. So, okay, no problem.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’ve got to go.”

On the way out, I tried not to notice the disappointment plain on Matt’s face.

I went grocery shopping. It was a new experience for me; for once, I had plenty of cash in my pocket. My stomach was growling, so I loaded up my basket. I got some of my old staples, like spaghetti and pasta sauce in a jar, but I also tried some of the kinds of things I thought Sarah might eat. I bought a hunk of real parmesan cheese, instead of the dry stuff in a can. I grabbed a pint of fresh strawberries, just because they smelled so good when I walked by the produce department. I picked out a loaf of crusty bread fresh from the bakery, instead of the sliced white bread I used to buy.

I walked home lugging my bags, feeling better than I had since I’d woken up on the bathroom floor. I fixed myself dinner and ate it slowly at Sarah’s long dining room table, with her heavy silverware and a cloth napkin on my lap.

After dinner, I picked up Sarah’s birth control pills from the floor where I’d dropped them. I read the package insert carefully. It said I had to take two pills today and two tomorrow, to make up for the ones I’d missed. It added that I should use a back up method for the rest of the month. If I was pregnant already, the damage was done, but I promised myself that I’d be more careful from now on.

I wrote out a check to the landlord, using Sarah’s past bank statements as my guide, then added $200. I hoped that would take care of the late fee; if not, I was sure to hear back from the landlord.

By the time 10:30 rolled around, I felt more in control. Still, my stomach turned double somersaults as soon as the intercom chimed. Matt had barely known Sarah, and he’d guessed something was different. What would her close friends think?

I buzzed them in.