Once there, I could hold on to the bars of the railings to help myself walk. This was useful, and almost as good as a stick. I only had to get to the bus stop. My old stick was in Grampar’s house. Then I saw that I was just like stupid Fanny Robin in Hardy’s stupid story, dragging myself along the railing, and I started to giggle.
As I came to the end of the railings, by the bus stop, still giggling a little, there they were in front of me.
I was more than a little surprised to see Wim, astonished to see Daniel (how had he got away?), and completely amazed to see Sam. The three of them had appeared seemingly out of nowhere like the Trinity, though of course it was all simple enough. Wim had decided to come and had telephoned Daniel who had telephoned Sam. They hadn’t seen me turn to flame and make the pages into trees, at least Daniel didn’t. I think Wim may have seen something out of the corner of his eye. I don’t know what Sam saw. He just smiled.
I didn’t need them in the least, but it was lovely to see them.
WEDNESDAY 20TH FEBRUARY 1980
We went in the car to collect my stick and all went to Fedw Hir and saw Grampar. He isn’t going to forgive Daniel any time soon, but that’s the way things are. Auntie Teg made dinner for everyone, with me helping, and then we decided to all spend the night in Grampar’s house, because there really isn’t room in the flat. It was like one of those dreams where everyone is in the wrong place. Grampar liked Wim. He always wanted a son. And Wim really likes Sam. It’s so strange them all being here.
And here I am, still alive, still in the world. It’s my intention to carry on being alive in the world, well, until I die. At Easter I’ll go to Glasgow and see what science fiction fandom is like. Next June I’ll take my exams and pass them, and have qualifications. Then I’ll do A Levels, as it best works out. I’ll go to university. I’ll live, and read, and have friends, a karass, people to talk to. I’ll grow and change and be myself. I’ll belong to libraries wherever I go. Maybe eventually I’ll belong to libraries on other planets. I’ll speak to fairies as I see them and do magic as it comes my way and prevents harm—I’m not going to forget anything. But I won’t use it to cheat or to make my life unreal or go against the pattern. Things will happen that I can’t imagine. I’ll change and grow into a future that will be unimaginably different from the past. I’ll be alive. I’ll be me. I’ll be reading my book. I’ll never drown my books or break my staff. I’ll learn while I live. Eventually I’ll come to death, and die, and I’ll go on through death to new life, or heaven, or whatever unknowable thing is supposed to happen to people when they die. I’ll die and rot and return my cells to life, in the pattern, whatever planet I happen to be on at the time.
That’s what life is, and how I intend to live it.
Gate of Ivrel turns out to be really brill.