She hesitated for a moment, but she knew that at this point, there was nothing she could say that was going to scare him. He knew everything she’d done, and he didn’t judge her for it.
“It was flexible, because we knew we’d have to work around guards and take opportunities as they came up. Ideally, we wanted to kill all or most of the royal family right as Olso was attacking. It would have thrown the castle into total disarray at the exact right moment. I would have killed you in your bed. I wouldn’t have needed to talk to you first, to explain. I would have been fine killing you quickly.”
He actually looked a little amused by that, and she went on.
“Same with Jovita. I would have tried to sneak up on her in some way. I might have asked Aren to take care of her—he was assigned to protect her a couple of times while we were here. Same with the queen. It would have been Aren, or maybe Iria and the other warriors. The king would have been last, and he would have been mine. I wanted to talk to him first, to tell him who I was.” She would not have been kind, or quick, but she didn’t think it was right to say that to Cas. He probably knew anyway.
“And do you think it would have made you feel better?” he asked. “If we were all just as horrible as you imagined, and you killed us like that?”
“At first,” she said. “I think that night, when you all died and Olso claimed the castle, would have felt like a victory. The feeling probably would have lasted through saving Olivia, and as we traveled back to Ruina. But eventually, I would have had the same realization. That by using the king’s violent tactics, I’d become exactly like him. He killed because he was scared. I killed in revenge. Different reasons, but they have the same ending. I like to think of your father as pure evil, but do you really think he felt entirely comfortable with what he’d done?”
Cas shook his head. “No. I think he became even more stubborn because it was too terrifying to consider that he’d made a mistake.”
“It’s easier not to think about it. To just make the decision and stick with it, no matter who you meet, what new things you learn.” She said her next words gently. “Do you think you got so mad at Jovita because you weren’t allowed to get mad at me?”
His eyes quickly shifted to hers. “I’m allowed to be mad at you. I was mad at you. You remember.”
“I remember you forgiving me pretty quickly too.”
“I thought you deserved forgiveness. I believed that you really had feelings for me.”
“I’m just saying, you lost both your parents and your country was invaded. You forgave me, the Olso warriors retreated as soon as you arrived, and you’d never blame the Ruined as a whole, not after what your father did to them. So all you had left is Jovita. It was easier to put all your anger on her, wasn’t it?”
He paused for a moment. “Yes. I hadn’t considered that.” A small smile crossed his lips. “I don’t know what I’d do without you. I was trying to find someone to talk to about this the past few days, and there’s no one who . . .”
“Who has killed people in a vengeful rage?” she guessed.
He laughed softly. “No. There’s no one who will give me an honest opinion, even if it’s uncomfortable. And no one else who can really understand what I’m feeling.”
“I’m sorry I can understand what you’re feeling. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.”
He lifted a shoulder in a small shrug, his gaze shifting to the window. He was different from the boy she’d met months ago, standing silently and sullenly on the castle lawn with his parents. He was even different than the boy she’d known in Vallos, the one who’d tried to give up. He was stronger, but steadier.
She forgot sometimes that he wasn’t very far removed from his parents’ deaths. She hadn’t been nearly as calm as him a few months after her parents died. She’d been angry and difficult, snapping at Aren and Damian, fantasizing about all the ways she could take revenge on the Lerans.
He caught her looking at him, and he cocked his head with a smile, sending butterflies fluttering through her stomach. She held his gaze, watching the way his dark hair fell into his eyes and he tossed it back with a flick of his head.
“What?” he asked with a laugh.
A knock sounded on the door, and Violet stepped inside, followed by Franco. Em stood and greeted them, and Violet managed a small smile when their eyes met. Em knew Violet didn’t like her much, and she couldn’t blame her. Violet’s father had died in the raid on the Lera castle.
But if Em and Violet could smile at each other, maybe there was hope for the rest of them.
Violet and Franco took the other two seats by the window.
“Thank you for meeting with us,” Violet said. “We’ve discussed some things with Cas and the advisers, and we thought it was best if we talked to you alone before doing larger meetings with the Ruined.”
“Of course.”
“First of all, we’d like to get the Ruined and our soldiers training together. I understand that Olivia was the one in charge of training the Ruined?” Violet asked.
“She was.”
“Is there anyone who you would trust to take charge here? Work with General Amaro on some strategies?”
“I think Mariana would be good at that. And one of the Ruined who can manipulate the body. Gisela, maybe.”
“Good. Let us know who and we’ll set up a meeting.”
“Do you know where the Olso and Vallos troops are right now?” Em asked.
“We had reports of them a bit north of where you attacked them, but we haven’t heard from a messenger recently. It’s possible Olivia got them.”
“Entirely possible,” Em said with a sigh.
“But we know for sure that Olivia is coming here eventually, because . . .” Violet let her voice trail off.
“Because she wants to kill me,” Em finished. She swallowed down a sudden lump in her throat.
“She wants to kill all of us,” Cas said. “Let’s not blame it all on Em.”
“Right. Sorry, I didn’t mean that,” Violet said.
“It’s fine.”
“It’s just that regardless of what happens with the human troops, Olivia and the other Ruined are coming. We want to be prepared.”
“How is the Weakling coming?” Franco asked.
“We set up a workstation and recruited some guards and staff to help,” Em said. “We’re lining shields and some armor. It shouldn’t take long.”
“Then the last thing we need to discuss is your marriage,” Franco said.
Cas looked at Franco quickly, like he hadn’t been expecting that. “I told you I wanted to wait on those discussions.”
“I know,” Franco said. “But we’ve been discussing the Ruined request to strip the monarchy of some of its power, and we need to know about your marriage plans. Everyone agrees that your marriage isn’t legal, since Em’s name isn’t on the document. You’ll need to draw up new documents if you’d like to marry again.”
“We’re not even entirely sure you’ll have enough support to get married,” Violet said carefully. “We don’t even know the Ruined’s opinion on that matter.”
Em didn’t know their opinion either. She had carefully avoided asking anyone, afraid of the answer.
“We need to know if this is something we should be fighting for,” Franco said. He looked at Cas, and then Em. “Do you want to marry again?”
Heat rose up Em’s cheeks. Yes. The word was on the tip of her tongue, but it was too awkward to say it in front of Franco and Violet. This conversation needed to happen in private with Cas first.
“Let’s pick up that discussion tomorrow,” Cas said, avoiding Em’s gaze. Franco looked surprised, but said nothing.
“Let’s talk about supplies, then,” Violet said. “I’m working on getting some clothing and other things for the Ruined, but we—” She stopped as a knock sounded at the door.
“Come in!” Cas called.
A young man stepped inside, his eyes wide and his breathing a bit heavy. Em tensed and began mapping a route in her head back to Cas’s bedroom, where she’d left her sword.
The man stepped inside, extending an envelope to Cas. “The king of Olso was just at the gates. He has a message for you.”
THIRTY