A Knight Of The Word

He smiled unexpectedly. “Nest, let me tell you what happened at San Sobel”


And he did so, retelling the story from his perspective, recounting it carefully and thoroughly, obviously trying to make her understand how terrible it was for him, to help her see why he had been unable to continue as a Knight of the Word. She listened attentively, for he kept his voice low and his words shielded from the people eating around them, pausing once when he came to the aftermath of the killings to gather his thoughts so that he could relate clearly what the experience had done to his psyche, pausing a second time when the bowls of clam chowder arrived and the waitress was standing over them.

At the conclusion of his tale, he told her something he had never been able to tell anyone. He told her how close to suicide he had been when he realized the fault might be his. He had managed to get past that, but only by determining he could never revisit that place in his mind, could never again put himself in a position where he might have to hold himself responsible for people dying.

Nest let him finish, then shook her head doubtfully. “If you do nothing, people die anyway, John. What would have happened to me if you hadn’t come to Hopewell? “I don’t know that you can say any of it is your fault.”

“It feels like it is. That’s enough.” He looked down at the soup cooling before him. He hadn’t eaten a bite. “I don’t mean to argue with you on this, but you can’t know what it’s like if you’re not me. You don’t have to live with the dreams. You don’t have to live with the responsibility for what happens if they come true.” He shook his head. “It’s a special kind of hell.”

“I know,” she said. “I wouldn’t even try to put myself in your shoes. I wouldn’t presume.”

She finished her soup. All the bad feelings she had experienced at Fresh Start had evaporated. and she found herself hungrier than expected.

“I drifted afterward, looking for something to do, some place to be, a reason for being alive.” Ross began to eat a little. “Then I found Stef, and everything changed. She gave me back what I had lost at San Sobel. Or maybe last even before that. She made me feel good about something again. So here we are, working at Fresh Start with the Wizard of Oz, and doing something important. I don’t want to go back to what I was. Let’s face it; I can’t go back. How could I? It would change everything.”

He shrugged. “I don’t know what to tell you about being in danger, Nest. I don’t feel as if I’m in any danger. I’m not part of that life anymore. I don’t have any connection to what I was or did. I don’t even dream anymore-or hardly ever, anyway. It’s all in the past.”

The fish and chips arrived, and they paused while the waitress set down their plates, asked if there was anything else she could get them, and walked away. Nest picked up a piece of deep-fried halibut and bit into it. “Mmmmnm, this is wonderful,” she said.

“Told you.” He picked up a piece of his own fish and began eating.

Ariel said the Lady thinks the Void will try to subvert you, whether or not you think you’re still involved in its battle with the Word.” Nest studied his face. “She says you can’t stop being a Knight of the Word. She says you can’t quit unless the Word allows it.”

He nodded soberly. “I’ve heard it all before. I don’t thank I believe it. What have I been doing for the past year if she’s right? Haven’t I quit, if I haven’t served. What else do I have to do? Write a letter of resignation? I don’t dream, I don’t use the magic, I don’t go out looking for demons. I’m done with all of it.”

“She says you can’t ever be done with it.” Nest paused, moving a French fry around in a paper cup filled with ketchup. “Here’s the part that bothers me-the reason I came looking for you, I guess. She says you’ve had a dream, and the events of the dream will take place on Halloween. She says your involvement with the dream will place you in danger of becoming ensnared by the Void.”

She watched his reaction closely. He said nothing, but she could tell at once that he knew what she was talking about, that in fact there had been a dream, and that in some way he was a part of it.

“The Lady told Ariel something else, John. She told her she will never let that happen, she will never allow a Knight of the Word to be subverted. She has sent someone to prevent it.”

A flicker of recognition crossed his lean face.

“The way you were sent to me maybe, five years ago,” she finished quietly.

For an instant she thought he would tell her everything. She could see in his eyes that he wanted to, that a part of him was looking for a way. But he stayed silent. She watched him a moment longer, then went back to eating. The voices around them filled the sudden silence.