touch

His usually multi-colored silver irises had disappeared in a sea of red with orange stormy centers. No liquid silver remained. I didn’t know what it meant, but I knew that whatever emotion those colors tied to was a strong one. And probably not a good one.

Thinking of Clavin’s broken leg, I reached out with both hands, cupping his face in them. “He was just being nice to his kid sister’s friend.”

Morik closed his eyes, but didn’t move away. I waited, holding his face. He reached up, placing his hand over mine briefly before pulling away entirely and pushing his sunglasses back into place. He ordered a coffee and sandwich as if nothing had happened then offered to wait until I needed a ride home.

Mona didn’t seem to mind his lingering presence while we cleaned up. Again, she disappeared into the back to count out the tips. When she handed them to me, she told me the Coffee Shop would be closed next weekend so we could enjoy Christmas. I thanked her and told her I would see her the weekend after.



Unlike the day before, Morik left right after dropping me off at home. I watched the retreating motorcycle for a moment re-evaluating my plan. Although it worried me, I’d have to hold off on my own search until I found someone for him. Though he reassured me that he would respect any choice I made, I worried about choosing someone else. He definitely didn’t like other men around me.

Aunt Danielle greeted me when I walked into the house. “Where’s Morik?”

“Not sure. He didn’t say what his plans were,” I said hanging my things. Moving to the couch, I flopped down putting my feet up. “Where’s mom?”

“Out with her boss, Stephen, again.”

I sprang up from my relaxed position, swiveling to demand, “What do you mean?”

“Lunch date, I think.” Aunt Danielle became bored with the conversation and leaned back into her chair, closing her eyes.

My mom was on a date… I sat there frozen trying to get past the shock. A date. Why didn’t she say anything to me? I felt hurt. All her talk about being honest with each other obviously only applied to me.

“Don’t be upset, dear. There are only a few short years they’ll be free of obligation to you. Once your husband dies, they will band together to help you. Don’t begrudge them their happiness.”

Them? Then I remembered Gran talking about the elderly neighbor. It explained where she went without a car. Did that mean Aunt Grace had found someone too? Were they all waiting for me to choose so they could have a normal life just for a little while?

Quietly, I stood and left the room, closing myself into my bedroom. There I lay on my bed curled on my side hugging my pillow facing the wall. It was too much pressure. How did they deal with this when they were my age? Mom made it sound like choosing my dad had been unintentional. I wished that would happen to me.

Part of my problem was the guilt I felt over knowingly condemning some poor man to an early grave. Now I could add another scoop of guilt for holding the rest of the family back from having normal lives. I’d thought it before, but having it confirmed hurt. What would happen if I weren’t here? Would it be so bad not to choose? What was I saying?!

Morik wanted a companion. I needed to stop running from it and do what Belinda couldn’t.

I wondered if Morik really did listen all the time. “Morik, what do I have to do to choose?”

A moment later, the mattress dipped as he sat next to me. “Why are you asking?”

I didn’t turn. Holding my pillow close, I continued to stare at the wall. “Listening to Mom and Gran, it’s not as simple as walking up to someone and saying ‘I choose you.’ Most the time they make it sound like just going on a date would be enough.”

“You have to choose in your mind and your heart.”

“How can that be? I heard Gran talking about her husband. She didn’t really like him.”

“She saw her daughters though. It was enough for her heart to choose.”

So every vision I’d seen, it’d never been enough for me. All those cute little cherub faces, even the ones that stayed with me for days afterward, hadn’t been enough to outweigh the guilt I felt over causing someone’s premature death. If it had, I would have chosen.

The phone rang stopping my train of thought. Since I was the only one home, I forced myself to get up.

Morik stayed in my room while I went to my mom’s room to answer it. Sitting on her bed, I said a quiet hello.

Beatriz chirped a greeting and kept talking. “I’m bored, you’re done with work, and it’s light out. I think you should have hottie drive you over again. He can join the guys in their air hockey tournament while we spectate.”

“Heard Tommy christened your bathroom,” I said ignoring her invitation and changing the subject. Going to her house again wouldn’t be fair to Morik. I’d promised him an hour a day.