“Do you love her?” Tag asked.
He did, but really admitting it meant opening himself up. It would be so much easier to say no and move on, but Kai was right. If he was going to get past all this shit, he had to do the one thing he’d never done before—he had to give a shit about himself. He loved Phoebe Grant. It was meaningful. His love was worth something. “Yeah. I love her.”
“Do you think you’re good for her?” Tag asked.
“I think he’s good for her,” Ten replied. “She smiles around him. She’s passionate about him. When she says his name, she lights up and god, she’s been dim for so long. It’s good to see her smile again.”
Ten’s words went straight to his gut. If he could make her smile, make her happy, then shouldn’t he fight for the right to do so? Even if it meant fighting her? “Yeah, I’m good for her.”
Tag nodded as though agreeing. “Then man up and top her. She needs it. She’s in a corner and she doesn’t know how to get out.”
“I don’t know that I like the idea of her being involved in all that letter stuff,” Ten said, eyeing Jesse warily.
But she needed that letter stuff. It was only when he stopped topping her the night before that everything had gone to hell. He shouldn’t have slunk away. He should have been her Dom. BDSM could be anything they needed it to be. There was only one thing that was true for every couple who practiced. They had to communicate, to be honest. Yes, he hadn’t done that with her.
Jesse took a deep breath. It was right there—the need to punish himself for a mistake, to count himself as something less. Maybe he and Phoebe would have to learn together.
It was time for him to stand up, to be the man she needed, and that wasn’t a man who let a few mistakes come between them. It was time to be her man, her Dom, and that meant changing. It meant accepting himself.
It meant forgiving himself for something that hadn’t fucking been his fault in the first place.
It struck him forcibly. It hadn’t been his fault. He hadn’t set the IED or made the choice to be selected as the Caliph’s whipping boy. He hadn’t killed his friends. He’d survived and that wasn’t something to be ashamed of. He’d survived and he could have a life if he was brave enough to take it.
Jesse stood up. If they were going to have a shot, one of them had to let go of the past, and it looked like it was going to have to be him. He turned to Ten Smith. “This is between me and your sister. I’ll take care of her. I’ll love her and I’ll make sure she’s safe. I’m going to try my damnedest to make her happy, but I’m going to do it my way. It’s her way, too. She just doesn’t know it yet. So you are welcome in our lives, but you will stay out of our relationship.”
Ten stared at him for a minute and the room was utterly silent. Out of the corner of his eye, Jesse could see Tag grinning.
Finally Ten nodded. “All right, then. But you should know we’ll have a problem if you don’t treat her right. If you’re going to be my brother, you better get used to how I handle things.”
“I know. You’ll bring an elite team into my house and I’ll kick their ass again.” An arrogance he’d never felt before bubbled up inside him. It felt good. He knew whatever happened, he could handle it. He had Tag and Si and the rest of his cobbled together family, and if he worked hard, he could have Phoebe, too. “Ten, I promise. I’ll take care of her.”
Ten held out a hand. “Jamie would have liked you, Murdoch.”
That was probably the best compliment Ten could have given him. He shook Ten’s hand. “I probably would have liked him, too.”
A little cloud passed over Ten’s face. “She’s got a story she needs to tell you. She thinks you’ll leave her when you hear it.”
What the hell could Phoebe say that would make him turn away from her? He went through some scenarios and couldn’t think of one where he would leave her. He’d already lived through her lying to him. Everything else was easy. “I won’t.”
Ten nodded. “I know and that’s why I’m giving you my blessing. She isn’t thinking straight. She’s using what she needs to tell you as a way to hold you back. So she doesn’t have to take the scary step of actually being with you. I hope when she tells you that you’ll forgive me for the last couple of years. I was wrong about you.”
Jesse had learned a long time ago that holding grudges didn’t help. It was funny that he’d always counted himself as weak for not being able to stay angry, for offering forgiveness so quickly. But he’d seen real evil. There was no forgiveness for that. Everything else was negotiable. “You’re forgiven.”
“Just like that?” Ten asked.
“Why not? I’ve got better things to do than hate you, man. I would rather love her.” He’d wasted enough time brooding.
“Then go get her.” Ten slapped him on the shoulder.