“Screw you, Kai.” He needed a new therapist.
“Hey, I’m here to talk.”
“I don’t want to talk.”
“Okay, how do you feel about listening?”
“I don’t want to listen either.” He wanted to forget he ever met her.
He actually didn’t like that thought. The idea that he wouldn’t think about her again, could really forget her, made him anxious. Why couldn’t she be like the other girls who had rejected him? Or the ones it just hadn’t worked out with? He could remember their names, but their faces were a little cloudy. Some were pleasant memories, others mild regrets, but not one of them had shaken him the way Phoebe did.
“Excellent. I knew you would make a spectacular houseguest.”
Jesse groaned. Months on the man’s couch had taught him that Kai wasn’t like other shrinks. Kai was way more obnoxious, and he was like a dog with a bone when he got going. “Say what you’re going to say, man.”
“All right. I’ll do just that because despite what you believe, you need to hear this.” Kai placed his hands on the table and regarded Jesse seriously. “This is not about you. That’s what I’m going to say. Phoebe’s issues are not about you. I talked to Ian earlier and he told me a little bit about her past and her relationship with Ten Smith. And Chelsea might have sent me all the files the Agency has on her. I don’t think Ten knows about that. Chelsea wanted me to see if I could commit her to an insane asylum. She sent me a list of the top three with the worst records in the US, though she said she’d found some nasty ones in South America, too. Chelsea is all Team Jesse if you didn’t know.”
He couldn’t help but smile. And then frown because Chelsea could actually be a little vindictive. “Phoebe’s not crazy. I wouldn’t mind reading those files though.”
“I don’t think that’s a great idea.”
“Why not? She did it to me.” He was feeling vengeful. It would go away. It always did and he would feel like crap about it. But he was curious about her husband. She wouldn’t talk about him except to say he’d been Agency and he’d died. He was curious about the man she did love. What kind of man could hold on to his wife after all these years? Probably a saint.
Kai shook his head. “So you want some revenge on her? You want to react in a way that runs counter to who you are as a person? Because the Jesse Murdoch I know isn’t interested in revenge. He’s a protector.”
That was a load of crap. “He’s an idiot.”
Kai’s eyes widened behind his glasses. “Have you wondered about why Ian Taggart took you in? By all accounts, he really should have had you arrested. Or killed. He’s that kind of guy. You shot his wife. Oh, from what I understand you were trying to get Alex, but you got Charlotte. You put everything about that operation in jeopardy, including the lives of two of his best friends and his wife. And yet, Ian took you in and gave you a job.”
He’d thought about it a lot lately. “I think maybe he was trying to make sure I didn’t turn. Maybe he was working with the Agency.”
Kai shook his head, his gold and brown hair moving against his shoulders. “That wasn’t his reason. He needed a man like you.”
“A grunt who would do anything he would say?”
“Dude, we need to work on your self-esteem. No. He was in a position where his men were getting married and having kids and he needed someone he trusted to watch their backs and to make the right decisions. Like backing up Simon even when you knew damn well it put Tag in a bad position. You could have lost your job over that, but you chose friendship and loyalty over yourself. You’re a selfless man, Jesse. It’s a unique trait, one that I believe you were born with. Oftentimes a certain goodness comes from nurture, from having a loving family around you. But I believe some people are simply born good, selfless. They’re the universe’s way of making sure there are always heroes among us.”
He wasn’t a hero. “Well, it sure wasn’t taught to me. My granddad was a bastard. Never hit me or anything, but he never let me know I was anything but a burden. My mom said I reminded her too much of my dad, and she couldn’t even look at me. She dumped me on the old man when I was just a kid. He made sure I went to school and had food, but that was about it. I was on my own for everything else.”
“And what did you do when he got cancer?”