Ten stared ahead. “Nah, this is my fault. I made a mistake sending you in. It was a stupid idea. I should have given you a team and settled you in at Langley. You would have been safe there.”
She couldn’t let him go on feeling guilty about assigning her to McKay-Taggart. It was time to confess. “I wouldn’t have been okay at Langley. I wouldn’t have taken on a team. No matter how it turned out, this was the right assignment at the right time.”
“You would have settled in.”
“I thought about killing myself.”
The room seemed to stop. She’d never said the words out loud, never told a single soul, but now it weighed on her.
“What? What are you talking about?”
“After you brought Jamie’s body back, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to eat. I thought I had accepted that he was dead, but until you brought his body home, I think there was a part of me that was waiting for a miracle. It might have seemed like I threw myself into work, but my mind was always on him. When you came home with him, I couldn’t even hope anymore. Right before the funeral the doctor gave me some sedatives and I counted them out. I sat there and I counted out all of them, trying to decide the right dosage. It’s hard because if you take way too many, you can throw them back up, and then it’s all for nothing. I needed just the right amount so I could be wherever Jamie was. That’s the worst part you know. Not knowing where he is.”
“You did not.” Ten’s jaw had tensed and she could see the sheen of tears in his eyes. “Tell me you didn’t try that.”
“I thought about it, and then I decided to honor you and wait until after the funeral.”
“But that was when we decided to send you in.”
She smiled just the tiniest bit. “Yes. You gave me something to do, something about Jamie. I wouldn’t have taken on a team. I would have pled off and then I would have done what I needed to do. But you gave me a way to avenge my husband and that saved my life, Ten. And then I got to be Phoebe Graham. I liked being that Phoebe, and suddenly I realized that avenging Jamie wouldn’t bring him back. Slowly I started to really like the people around me, and I knew that revenge on Jesse Murdoch was stupid because he was innocent. He needed protection, not surveillance.”
Ten drained the Scotch. “I’m going to need another.”
She reached out and covered her brother’s hand with hers. “You saved me, Ten. I know it might have ended up costing you your relationship with Taggart, but you saved me.”
“Tag and I have an understanding.” His hand turned over and grasped hers. “I tell him everything and he only gets to punch the shit out of me ten more times. He’s holding them in his back pocket for when he needs to let off some steam.”
She didn’t like the idea of Taggart jumping her brother. “No.”
Ten shook his head. “It’s fine. No broken bones. That’s our only rule. You stay out of this. You let me handle Tag the way I need to. I made mistakes. Big mistakes.”
“You made them for your family.” She’d caused him to make some of those errors.
“And he’s protecting his. Speaking of the devil.” Ten nodded as Taggart stalked into the room. He was carrying a duffel bag of some kind and there was a grim look on his face. “Nice place you’ve got here, Tag.”
“You motherfucker. You got into my Scotch.”
Ten immediately shot him the finger. “I need more. My spleen hurts, damn it.”
“Pussy.” But it was said in that guy way that seemed almost affectionate. He took the empty glass from Ten and stepped over to the bar. “And that’s not the good stuff. That’s a twenty-five. I’ve got the fifty hidden. I think we could both use middle-aged Scotch. Phoebe, could you join me? I’d like to go over the rules of the club with you.”
There were rules? She thought the only rule was to not let Jesse get horribly murdered. She glanced at Ten, who nodded and then joined Taggart at the bar.
“So I take it the crying every time I came close was a protective measure,” he began.
No one said he was a dummy. “It was a way to make sure you didn’t spend too much time with me. If you had spent any real time with me, you likely would have seen more than I wanted you to. I quickly figured out you’re an intolerant bastard. A couple of hysterical fits of tears and a dash of drama and you didn’t want to be in the same room with me.”
“Nice play. It won’t work on me again. So, what’s your poison? Don’t tell me you don’t have one because all spies drink. It’s a rule.”
“Vodka tonic.” If she was going to have some kind of discussion with Big Tag, maybe she did need something.
“I thought you were more a margarita girl.”
So Jesse had talked about her. “Phoebe Graham drinks margaritas and pi?a coladas. Phoebe Grant drinks vodka.”
A single brow arched over his stark blue eyes. The man could really convey serious judgment with that one brow. “Damn, you’re going to hurt Jesse’s feelings.”