But I’m not here to watch the world. I am standing here to watch Jack on the other side of the street. This is the present time. The now we should cherish. But it hurts so much. Jack is on the other side of the street, playing cards and hustling other people. I would love to run to him and throw myself in his arms. But I’d be ruining all that I worked for in the past.
I tell myself that I should be happy for him. He is alive and well. He isn’t a ghost of a boy who died in a bus accident anymore. Eventually I will let him go. I know that.
I am also grateful I’m alive. Even though I didn’t find my Wonder, somehow time let me live and return to the present moment.
I remember waking up in the Inklings room, all alone after Mr. Tick and Mrs. Tock had left. Even Fabiola had gone to do something. They thought I was already dead and were preparing to bury me. I woke up and left immediately.
In all cases, I’m everyone’s enemy now.
Black Chess will hunt me if they know I am back as the Good Alice. The Inklings will hunt me thinking I am the Bad Alive, and that I can never change.
Back to square one, I tell myself. Back to where I am the loneliest hero in the world.
How I survived without finding my Wonder, I still don’t know.
Silently, the Pillar arrives and stands next to me. We share the view of the world in silence. It’s still good to have someone whom I can enjoy the silence with.
“You’re a tock too late,” I say.
“Or a tick too soon,” he says.
“So you read the Alice Under Ground book, went mad, and still killed people,” I say. “Some things never change.”
“True,” the Pillar says. “Believe it or not, the things you changed are very little. In this new version of the future, everything is still almost the same.”
“That’s what Mrs Tock said.”
“In this version you and I still met in an asylum. I killed twelve people and entered as a patient. I asked Truckle for you and persuaded you that you were a hero. We saved so many lives, like in the earlier timeline.”
“How so? If the bus exploded without me, I couldn’t have ended up in the asylum again.”
“But you did. The people waiting at the station told the authorities about the mad girl running hysterically after the bus. The court suspected you were an accessory to whoever exploded it. Your lawyer pleaded insanity, and you ended up in Radcliffe Asylum again. Your sisters and mother still believe you blew up the bus.”
“So it’s true that the future always finds a way.”
“In a most wicked way. Like I said, nothing changed at all. I met you. We saved lives. Tom Truckle is still who he is, except that he remembers his mission clearer now. The Cheshire came to this world, the Muffin Man was killed, I tricked you into showing me the whereabouts of the keys by pretending to be the Hatter, and we were in Columbia a few weeks back.”
“So I really failed in changing anything.”
“All but him.” The Pillar points his cane at Jack across the street. “He looks happy.”
“Yes. He does.” I smile. “I am thankful that time let him live.”
“You let him live, Alice.”
“And the Cheshire didn’t possess him?”
“No, because they never met. The Cheshire is as vicious as he’s always been. Nothing’s changed.”
“I heard rumors he was dead.”
“They’re not true. Although he was going to, being left alone in the cold without a soul to posses.”
“How did he live then?”
“He possessed a parasite. Some sort of bacteria.”
“How convenient.”
“He’s always been a parasite of souls. He’s also the most important Wonderland Monster at the moment.”
“Because he knows where Jack hid the keys?”
The Pillar nods, still sharing the view affront. “Pretty stupid move to throw the keys at him in the past, I must say.”
“You have no idea how emotionally draining that moment at the bus stations was,” I say. “So stop being practical.”
“I’d like to sympathize, but if you’re going to keep saving lives, you need be stronger than that,” he knocks his cane on the floor, once. “But still, you should be proud you saved Jack’s life.”
“I know, although he’ll never talk to me again.”
“Yes. That will never happen,” the Pillar says. “And it will hurt a lot.”
“Sometimes I hate your bluntness.”
“Some would argue it’s called the truth.”
“A painful one,” I say. “Any advise how I should live with it.”
“Pain is like a glue to the skin. Try to rip it off and it will take a piece of you with it.”
“And the solution?”
“The solution is to understand there is no solution.”
“That’s optimistic.” I roll my eyes.
“Once you neglect it will wither away. Pain is like the Cheshire. A parasite. It can only feed on you if you let it.”
I have little to contribute to this logic. Maybe because the pain is so fresh. Maybe because I saved Jack, and was hurt again in return. I rest my case.”
“And don’t worry about the corpse they buried instead of you,” The Pillar says. “I took care of things.”
I don’t even want to know what he did.
“Are we good?” he asks.
“What do you mean?”
“Are you comfortable with resisting the Bad Alice in you?”
“I’m not sure.”