“Yes,” I reply.
“Then, I don’t know why either.”
Lie.
We both know. Deep down, we both fucking know.
“I know that I need some space though…” She lifts her eyebrow and looks at the door, giving me my cue.
Leaving feels wrong even though I’ve done a bang-up job of screwing this up.
“Right. I’ll see you later?”
“Sure,” she replies, not committing to anything.
If she had any intention of seeing me again today, she would be a little more enthusiastic, so I don’t expect anything.
She won’t have a choice tomorrow. She’s accompanying us to some bullshit chat show we have to do. I get that we have to do all these appearances, but I’d honestly rather just play music.
“Okay. See you later,” I say as I turn around. My hand hovers over the handle.
This is so wrong. I don’t want to leave her. There is so much I want to say, but I don’t have any clue what or in which order. I don’t know what any of it means.
She doesn’t reply, so I walk out, having no idea if I’ve screwed things up permanently or if I can fix this.
TEXAS
SATURDAY, MAY 9
PARIS, FRANCE
I’m in the green room, waiting for Filthy Sound to appear on a chat show here in Paris.
Last night and this morning was horrible, and I’m done.
So, I’m sitting here, pretending I’m not completely focused on Kitt.
Milo is distracted on his phone, so I’m chatting with Cooper—or I’m pretending to. It hurts to watch Kitt, but I can’t stop looking. It’s like witnessing a car crash. Only, I feel like the car is going to plough into me.
“These things are piss boring,” Coop complains.
“Piss boring?”
Lazily shrugging one shoulder, he adds, “Why do we have to do it at all?”
“Er, to promote the tour.”
“It’s already sold out, Texas!”
“So, talk more about the album, Coop. You’re not a complete rookie anymore.”
“I feel like it. All I want to do is play music and get my end away.”
Charming. I really wish there were female members in Enigma or Filthy Sound. Being the only one is tough.
Coop grins at my expression. “This isn’t news to you.”
“No, it’s not. I think I’d enjoy it more if one of you were a gentleman rather that sex mad animals.”
“Kitt’s the closest. Go sit with him.”
Yeah, fucking right! I’d rather stick needles up my nails and rub bleach in my eyes than talk to him at the minute. And that man is no gentleman.
“No, thanks. I’m happy here.”
“Oh, Texy, he’ll ditch that chick to chill with you.”
He makes a face, and I turn my nose up.
“So not what I mean.” Lie. It is, but I don’t want anyone to know Kitt’s flirting with other women bothers me. I don’t want to have feelings for him. I’m working on getting rid of them. Only, I don’t know how to do that.
The girl Kitt is talking to laughs.
I know her name, but I don’t wish to acknowledge it, so I’m going to refer to her as Slut Y because that’s about where we are on the alphabet. Kitt has slept with way more women than that, but I’ve not had to endure all of them.
Turning my head, I make sure I can’t see them at all.
It’s fine. You’ll be fine. You’ve been through this many times. You’re a seasoned pro.
But just because I’ve done this time and time again doesn’t mean it hurts any less. As soon as I’m over him, the better. He makes me feel weak, and I hate that so much. My dad brought me up to take on the world while giving it the middle finger, and one guy can bring me down.
What the hell is up with that?
Cooper kicks his feet up onto the coffee table and grabs a handful of chocolates. He lies back and shoves them in his face, having no idea about my inner struggle, not that he would.
I’ve not exactly told anyone about how much I like Kitt.
Except for Peyton. I miss her now more than ever.
Behind me, Slut Y laughs.
Because I can’t see them, I’m imagining what’s happening, and I don’t know what’s worse.
Just keep smiling, and keep breathing. You’ll be out of here before you know it.
I need to put some distance between me and Kitt because this isn’t healthy for either of us. I constantly feel like my stomach is in knots, and I’m exhausted—physically, mentally and emotionally.
If I could have any wish right now, I’d wish to be completely over Kitt.
Actually, that’s a lie. It would be for him to want me as much as I want him.
This. Sucks.
Filthy Sound is called out. They won’t need luck. The show will. Cooper is kind of a loose cannon, and when they’re all together, they’re not easy to control.
“Don’t swear, Coop!” I remind him.
“Don’t try to change me, baby!” he shouts over his shoulder, raising his arm in the air.
Kitt swings his arm out and slaps his stomach. Then, the door closes behind them, and I breathe a sigh of relief.
I’m left with Ted, Slut Y, and her security team. I have Ted with me, and she has five bodyguards. Five.