I give her a look. “Don’t lie to me, Texas.”
I step closer, and her eyes widen. She looks like she wants to run. I’m not going to give her the opportunity to run from me. She backs up until she’s pressed against the door. There’s nowhere else for her to go.
“I’m not,” she whispers.
“You did it again. Don’t. Fucking. Lie.”
Why the hell does her honesty mean so much to you? People lie about shit all the time.
“I think you should go,” she says, straightening her back.
I’m so close to her now that I can feel her rapid breath. She’s just inches away. Her body trembles, as if she’s afraid, but I know that she’s not.
“I’m not leaving.” Why am I not leaving? Why can’t I just leave? “I don’t like it when things are like this, so let’s move past it. I’m tired of this shit.”
“Fuck you,” she whispers.
“Fuck me?” I lift my eyebrow. “Is that the problem, Tex?”
I push my body against hers, and her mouth opens.
I groan, and she closes her eyes.
“Kitt, you can’t. What are you doing?”
Good question. It’s one I don’t have an answer to because I usually know exactly what I want and what I need to do to get it. With her, I don’t have a clue. I don’t know what I’m thinking, what I’m doing, or what I want. She makes my fucking brain short-circuit. She takes away all logic and reason, and all that’s left is what my goddamn body wants.
I step closer, and her body is flush with mine. She feels like heaven.
Her eyes flutter open, and she breathes long and deep, like she’s trying to control herself. I clench my fists and grit my teeth so hard that they almost crack.
If I sleep with her, there’s no going back, not even if it’ll help with all this sexual tension. The guilt will still be there. I’ll still know I betrayed Mark even if he never finds out.
“What’s wrong? Finding it difficult to admit to yourself that you want me to fuck you?”
Her expression falls, and she looks devastated.
Fuck. I’ve hurt her. Again.
She sucks in a breath, and her eyes fill with tears.
I step back, like I’ve been shocked, and I shake my head. “I shouldn’t have…I’m sorry, Tex. I didn’t mean that. Shit, I don’t know what I’m doing here. I don’t know why we do this.”
It’s more than that. We could never just shag.
“You should leave.” Her voice is low and thick with emotion that she won’t allow herself to embrace in front of me.
I should leave, but I don’t want to because I know she’s going to cry as soon as I do.
“No.” I feel desperate. Everything inside me is screaming for me to fix this, to find some way of taking it back. “I can’t leave it like this.”
“Fine. I forgive you. Now, please leave me alone.”
That sounds more permanent than I can give her. A few hours, I can do, but she sounds like she wants me out of her life. Not only is that impossible in our current situation, but I’m not willing to even try. My life without her isn’t a life I want.
I rub my forehead. “What is happening? What are you doing to me?”
Using my moment of confusion against me, she slips around me, and now, there’s a lot of distance between us.
She’s stronger. Her back is straight, her head held high. “I’m not doing anything. I had a moment back there, and I apologised for it. Let’s blame estrogen.”
“I don’t want to blame something that isn’t at fault.”
“Then, blame me or yourself. Whatever, Kitt. I don’t really care anymore.”
“Yes, you do!” I explode, shocking myself. “Oh my God, you’re frustrating.” Gripping my hair, I take deep breaths and pace. I don’t know if I want to kiss her or kill her.
“You need to leave.”
“You need to stop lying to me!”
“Why? It doesn’t matter. I don’t have to tell you every little fucking detail. You don’t need to know everything about me.”
“Yes, I fucking do!” I snap.
What? No, you don’t. Friends can keep secrets. You don’t need to know everything.
Yes, you do.
Fuck.
“I don’t know what you want from me,” she says.
“Neither do I,” I whisper.
Inside, I’m raging with myself. I hate not knowing what’s going on in my own head. I hate how much she can get to me. It shouldn’t be possible. Right now, I have everything going for me, and here I am, allowing a girl to get so deep inside my head that I don’t have the first idea how to get her out—or if I even want to.
I feel like smashing something, then grabbing her, and burying myself so deep inside her that I’ll forget everything.
“Okay. Then, can we leave this? I would really like for us to go back to normal now,” she says.
“Until you ran out a few minutes ago, I wasn’t aware that we weren’t.” I’m lying now.
She folds her arms. “Really, Kitt? When I’m telling you I want things to be okay between us, you come back with that?”
“Sorry.” I hold my hands up. “I’m sorry, okay? I don’t know why I’m being a dick.”
“Have you eaten?”