So, I know what I need to do. But the very idea makes my heart ache so hard that it leaves me breathless. Not only would I be away from Kitt and my dad, but I’d also be pretty much alone. I don’t like being alone. I’d do it for him though. I see how crazy worried he is every time I have to go out in public.
He has to leave for sound check in ten minutes, and he’s pacing our hotel suite.
“Kitt!”
“I’ll have Ted bring someone else along with Lars and Hank for you.”
“Kitt!” I snap. “Will you stop?”
He’s turned into a version of my dad. And I think he might be worse. He won’t let up on anything, and he’s obsessed with making sure I’m never hurt again. Seriously, I only tripped and grazed my hand, but he acts like I was knocked unconscious.
“How can I stop? You were hurt!”
“I tripped.”
“Because of the crowd, Texas.”
Oh my God, we have this argument on repeat.
“There is always a crowd and always will be.” I step forward. “Kitt, you have to get past this. My life will never be normal, and I’m fine with that. Why aren’t you?”
“Because you were hurt!” he shouts. “You don’t know how bad that fucking feels. I wanted to kill every bastard who’d hurt you.”
I rub my forehead. No one hurt me, but he’s not getting that.
“Kitt, I’m going home.”
His head rears back, as if I hit him. “You’re fucking, what?”
“Please, hear me out before you turn swear-y.”
“You’re not running. We have nothing to be ashamed of!”
“I’m not ashamed of you. I believe you when you say you’ve not done something, Kitt, and I’m on your side. But can you honestly say that you’re enjoying the tour right now? Whenever we step outside, you’re practically paralysed by fear of something happening to me. You should be living life to the fullest. Filthy Sound is everywhere right now, and that’s what you have to focus on. Forget that woman because her lies will come out by her own choice or through DNA. Enjoy this, Kitt. Please, please go back to a few weeks ago when you were having the time of your life.”
He steps closer, pressing his forehead to mine. He’s determined and a bit pissed off. His eyes are burning a hole in mine. “The time of my life has you in it.”
“I’m not going anywhere—well, except to England. But I’ll be waiting for you when you get back. You have a month in the States and Canada, and then you’re home for a while before Australia. It’s not like you don’t have time off coming up. This is how it works for a lot of people. Not everyone can drop everything and tour.”
“I don’t give a fuck how other people do things. I won’t have you being chased away because of some fame-hungry bitch.”
“She’s not chasing me away. I’m choosing to do the best thing for you and the band. We can’t be selfish, Kitt. This affects everyone.”
He pushes away and stalks back and forth, his chest expanding in long, hard breaths. I hate to see him like this, but I keep myself locked in place, not sure if it’s best to leave him when he looks like he’s about to go off.
Kitt has never been the best at handling his emotions or even understanding them half of the time.
Soon after we first met, it was the anniversary of his parents’ deaths, and he spent the whole night ignoring Milo’s and Cooper’s pleas to stop drinking and go with one of them to talk. He told everyone he was fine, and he ended up puking on himself outside the club before passing out.
He was supposed to be okay, like he’s supposed to be okay now. When he can’t control something, he spirals.
He reaches for the mini bar, and I know what’s coming next. His coping mechanism has always been to drink. It’s effective until it wears off.
“Do you think that will help?”
“Yep,” he grinds out through his teeth. The muscles in his arms look like stone as he grabs a tiny bottle of Jack Daniels.
“Stop.”
Spinning around, he steps toward me, and his eyes darken. And he erupts. “What the fuck do you want me to do, Texas? I’m trying. I’m trying to make things better. I’m trying to be strong for you. I’m trying to give you a fucking normal relationship, but obviously, I can’t fucking do it, so just tell me what I’m supposed to do here!”
With my stomach tossing over, I pad closer, keeping my eyes fixed on his. Midnight blue softens, the closer I get, and some of the tension leaves his shoulders.
“Kitt, I love that you’re so passionate and that you think from here,” I say, placing my hand over his thumping heart. “But, sometimes, you have to think with your head. It will never be as magnificent or soul-searing, but on occasion, it’s the only thing to do. You can’t always lead with your heart. There has to be balance.”