When the Heart Falls

"But maybe you don't," she says. "Maybe that letter says you don't."

"Then it's wrong."

She throws up her hands in exasperation. "Then let it be wrong. But read it, just in case it's right."

I sigh. "A friend once told me we have to accept things as they are."

"A very wise friend," Leslie says. "You should listen to her."

"How'd you know it's a woman?"

She smiles. "Because we're smarter."

That pulls a half chuckle from me. "It's good to see you again, Leslie."

"You too, Cade. How was Paris?"

"Better than I imagined."

"Then why'd you come back?" She blows a bubble out of her mouth and pops it.

"Besides the obvious?” I gesture to the cars filling our property to mourn the death of Stevie.

“Yeah, besides that.”

My shoulders drop, all snark gone. “I had something to do."

She nods. "Maybe it's reading that letter."

"Maybe. How about you? How have you been?"

"Waiting tables all summer.” She stands and pets Biscuit, who enjoys the attention. “I've been saving up. Next year, I'm going to film school. Mama and Papa aren't too happy, but who cares, right?"

"You gonna play a Disney Princess?"

"Nah. But I'll write about one. Make a film about her, too."

"Your dream."

"What about it?" she asks, looking over at me.

"It's coming true."

"Of course it is. Just like yours, right? After I heard you left for Paris to study architecture, I knew I had to follow my dreams too."

"Following my dreams brought me here. Nothing's coming true. I’m back where I started.” Except I’m not, because I’m different now.

"Because you're not done yet. You said it yourself, you have something to do. Something you couldn’t have done if you hadn’t left and come back."

I glance at the letter in my hand. "Thanks Leslie."

"You're welcome." She gets up. "Call me up if you get into set building."

"Will do."

She smiles and walks away. Once she's gone, and the world is quiet, I flip over the envelope and run my finger along the edge.

I take my hat off, Pete’s old hat, and place it on my knee. Taking a deep breath, inch by inch I peel open the letter that will reveal my brother’s final words before he took his life.





CADE SAVAGE





CHAPTER 33





HIS WORDS ARE scrawled over the whole page, and my eyes go blurry. He feels so close right now. I can hear his voice saying the words, hear his sobs where the tears spilled onto the page, smudging the ink.



Dearest Dad,



You win. I'm done. I know you never wanted me as a son. I know you've been waiting for this, that it would be better if I were dead than a fag. I hope this makes you happy, because it's not easy. Even though there's nothing left to live for, it's not easy. Some kindness from you, some understanding would have made a difference, but it's too late. All you ever cared about was having a perfect son who did everything you wanted perfectly. A son who wasn't me.

I couldn't do anything with you shaming me every second. You couldn't even act nice around strangers. You hate what I am. You hated seeing me all the time. Well, now you'll never have to see me again.

Give all my personal things to Cade. Don't throw them out, please. They mean much more to Cade than they mean to you.

You always told me that I was sick. That something was wrong inside me. But you know deep down in your heart that you're the sick one. That you're wrong. And now, because of your mistakes, you have my death on your hands.

May you rot in hell.



To Mom,



I'm sorry to leave you with Dad. But the AIDS will kill me soon anyway. There's no reason to wait. Dad got his wish. God punished me, if that’s how you want to see it.

Please tell Cade and Stevie that I love them very much. My heart breaks when they don't stand up for me in front of Dad. But they're young. It's not their fault. They do their best.

Tell Cade and Stevie about my disease. Or don't. Do what you think is best.

Everyone seems so happy, and I feel so alone. I've thought about doing this before, but I'm afraid.

I hope you forgive me. I hope you think kindly of me.

Goodbye



P.S. Disregard all the mean things I've said. Especially to you, Dad. We've both said mean things to each other that we didn't mean. I know you grew up with a father who hated homosexuals. I know you don't know any better. It's not your fault. Or maybe it is, but I forgive you anyways.



Mom, Cade, Stevie, please forgive Dad. He tried. This isn't his fault. It's not your fault.



Love,



Your son and brother, Peter



Cade… if you find this first, don't go in my bedroom.



Call Mom. She'll handle it.



Cade… don't go in the bedroom.





CADE SAVAGE





CHAPTER 34





THE SUN HAS set and the cold settles into my bones before I move my eyes from Pete’s letter. Hours pass as I let his words sink in. Everyone has left the memorial, and it’s time for me to leave, too.