Felicia’s not stupid, though. That’s just the thing. You don’t get into Harvard by accident.
I stare at my roommates. Joanna fidgets, but Felicia just stares right back at me. It feels like I’m naked under a microscope. Like I might actually cry.
Compared with my roommates, Gretchen really does have a PhD in queer studies. Felicia doesn’t care if I’m gender nonconforming with a leaning toward the male end of the spectrum or if I’m all-out transsexual. To Felicia, I’m just a freak.
“Okay, um.” I don’t know what to say. That doesn’t happen often. I run a hand through my hair and blink a few times, fast, just in case I might actually be tearing up. “Look, all I’m trying to do is get through the school year. I know you guys don’t like me, and, granted, the feeling is mutual, but we don’t have to be friends. You leave me alone and I’ll leave you alone, just like we’ve been doing since August. After this year we never have to see each other again.”
“The end of this school year is six months away,” Felicia said. “And you still haven’t answered my question.”
“Because my body is none of your damn business!” I’m nearly shouting. “Christ, Felicia, try to be a human being, here!”
“Look,” Joanna says, “we’re not saying you have to move out—”
“Uh, yeah, I should hope not, because I’m not going to.” I’m sputtering now. I feel like I’m going to explode.
“Who’s moving out?” Ebony asks from the door. “What’s going on?”
Joanna shifts. Felicia doesn’t move.
“Aren’t you supposed to be at practice?” Joanna looks at the clock over the fireplace.
“What the hell is this?” Ebony asks. “Don’t tell me you went ahead with that dumb-ass meeting.”
“You knew about this?” I ask.
That hurts more than anything Felicia and Joanna said.
“They told me this morning they wanted to do it, and I told them they could suck it.” Ebony dumps a bag of workout gear on the floor. I loosen my grip on the back of my chair a little. “What a load of horse hooey. Felicia, you’re in college now, so put on your big-girl panties and learn to deal. Next year you can go off and live with all your little tight-ass prep school friends and not have to put up with anyone who isn’t exactly like you ever again. Come on, T, let’s go to Annenberg. I’m starving.”
I’m supposed to be spending the next six hours looking up stuff about Hurricane Katrina, but all I want to do is get out of this room. I shove my laptop in my bag and put my coat back on.
“You know I went to a prep school, too, right?” I say to Ebony when we’re free and clear of the psycho twins. My hands are shaking. I shove them in my pockets.
“Oh, right,” Ebony says. “Uh, sorry. No offense.”
“It’s okay.”
“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t warn you about that. I didn’t think they’d go through with it.”
“It’s okay.” I’m grateful for what Ebony did back in the common room, but I don’t want a bodyguard, either. “It’s impossible to take them seriously.”
“That’s right. Don’t let them get to you.” Ebony punches me in the arm.
“Ow.”
“Sorry. Hey, listen, I meant to ask you. I know most of your friends are upperclassmen. Do you have a blocking group yet? Some of us on the team are talking about going in together, but we want to get another person.”
Blocking groups are how housing is assigned starting in sophomore year. You get together with a group of other freshmen and you put all your names in together. Then your whole group gets assigned to one of the upperclass houses and you stay there until graduation. That’s how Derek, Nance and Eli wound up together.
“Are you sure?” Suddenly I’m self-conscious. “The others in your group are cool with it?”
I didn’t sign on to live with a guy.
“Of course I’m sure,” Ebony says. “Some of them are probably in Annenberg now. You can come meet them and see if you’re up for it. I already told them about you.”
“What did you say?”
“Oh, I warned them you’re a big dorky Government concentrator, but they don’t mind. They’re weird that way.”
For the first time since Thanksgiving, I smile. I can’t believe everything that just happened.
Ebony starts typing a text to someone, and automatically I reach for my own phone. I’m about to tell Gretchen the whole story when I remember.
I slide my phone back into my pocket, my smile fading.
I bet it’ll be a long time before I feel like smiling again.
14
DECEMBER
FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE
2 WEEKS APART
GRETCHEN
The days move slowly now.
I’m waiting for Toni to call and take it all back. While I wait, I try to pass the time.
I leave a lot of voice mails. I start with Chris.
“Hey,” I say to his recording. “I guess you heard what happened. Um. I know you’re probably on Toni’s side and that’s fine, but I want to talk sometime just to, you know, talk. Can you call me if you have a second?”