I sit back in my seat, stunned.
I don’t know what to say. Maybe Andy has a point. Is it disrespectful for me not to use gendered pronouns to talk about people like Andy? And Derek and Eli, for that matter? I don’t like pronouns, but is it rude not to use them for people who do?
Maybe I need to rethink all of this from the beginning.
“I would never say that.” I raise my voice. “I think everybody should use whatever pronouns they want to. This is just a personal thing.”
“Hey, don’t worry, T, it’s cool.” Derek looks at Andy. “It’s cool, right?”
Andy shrugs and says, after a pause, “Yeah, I guess. Everybody makes up their own rules, right?”
I nod. I’m shaking, I’m so nervous.
“Look, pronouns don’t have to be a huge deal if you don’t want them to be,” Derek says. “Toni, did you ever meet Lisa? The girl with the dreadlocks? She used to be in the UBA but she left it to start the HQSA?”
I shake my head.
“She identifies as trans, but she doesn’t care about pronouns at all,” Derek says. “I asked her once what pronouns she preferred, and she just said, ‘I come when called.’”
“I like that way of doing it,” Pete says. “Having to always tell people your preferred pronouns just puts everybody all up in your business, whether you want them there or not.”
“Yeah, I can see that, sort of,” I say. “I don’t actually care what you call me. I just didn’t want you to think I used male pronouns all the time. No one calls me by them except you guys.”
“What does your girlfriend call you?” Derek asks.
“Gretchen doesn’t use gendered pronouns to talk about me.”
“Wow.” Andy whistles. “That’s a lot of effort. Must be true love.”
There’s that anxiety in my chest again.
We’re finally at our stop, thank the lord. Andy punches me lightly on the arm as we get off the train. I hold back, not sure what to expect.
“Listen, dude, no hard feelings, right?” Andy asks. “That came out wrong, what I said back there. I don’t want you thinking I judge or anything. Are we cool?”
The expression on Andy’s face is totally sincere. Nervous, even.
“We’re cool,” I say. “And I get what you were saying. I’m going to think about it some more. Maybe I don’t give pronouns enough credit.”
Andy puts out a hand to shake. I smile. We clasp hands and turn to follow the others up the steps.
The bar is smaller than I expected, but we can tell even from the outside that it’s packed with people. There’s a line at the door but the bouncer, an enormous drag queen in a bedazzled halter top, sees Derek and waves us to the front.
“Hey, sweetie,” the drag queen says, kissing Derek on the cheek as the rest of the line grumbles. The drag queen looks at me. “Did you bring me a new boy tonight?”
“Uh. I guess.” Derek motions me forward. “Barb, this is Toni.”
“Hey, handsome.” Barb winks at me and squeezes my shoulder. I fight to stay upright. Barb’s biceps are no joke. “You a little Harvard freshman?”
“Yes,” I squeak, terrified of this mammoth woman smiling down at me. I feel myself blushing and resist the urge to add “ma’am.”
“You be sure to save a dance for me, okay, sugar?” Barb says.
“Oh, uh—okay.”
People in line chuckle.
“Careful, Barb, you’ll crush the poor kid!” someone calls out.
Barb waves us inside without asking for IDs or making us pay the cover charge. Now I know why the guys like this place so much.
Kartik and Pete fight through the throng to the bar and bring back two pitchers of beer. We find a spot on the wall and check out the crowd. It isn’t what I expected at all. I’ve never been to a gay bar before, but I’ve seen them on TV, and it was always a bunch of well-dressed white guys. This place is a big mix of people, though. Men and women, all different races. Some straight couples, too. Plus a few women who I think are trans—not drag queens like Barb, but normal-looking women, wearing flowy dresses and high-heeled sandals despite the cold weather. I think there are other trans guys mixed in with the crowd, too, but they’re harder to spot because they look the same as the cis guys.
“How do you know Barb?” I ask Derek.
“She’s friends with Nance’s ex,” Derek says. “She’s worked here since our freshman year.”
Kartik juts a thumb in Derek’s direction. “We met her when he and Nance were going out.”
Derek is suddenly looking away, taking a long drink of beer.
“You went out with Nance?” I ask.
“Everybody makes mistakes freshman year.” Andy laughs. “You’ll see, T.”
“YO! PEEEETE!” someone with an Australian accent shouts from the other end of the bar.
“YO! DOMINIC!” Pete shouts back. “GET OVER HERE, YOU USELESS ASSWIPE!”