“What’s so bad about being straight?” Carroll grins. As far as he’s concerned, this conversation is hysterical. “Some of my best friends are straight!”
“Oh, yeah?” I say. “Who among your many, many friends would those be?”
Carroll’s grin fades, and his eyebrows crinkle. He bites his lip like he might cry.
I’m the worst person in the world.
“Crap, crap, crap, I’m sorry,” I say. “Really, I am. Ugh, please just ignore me. I’m freaking out a little bit.”
“Why?” Carroll lowers his mug to the table. “Are you—wait, are you mad at her?”
“No!” The very idea of being mad at Toni is ludicrous. “Of course not. Toni sounded really happy about this pronoun thing, so that makes me happy, too.”
“No, I meant about canceling your trip,” Carroll says. “You should be mad at her for that. Seriously.”
I shake my head. “That isn’t how it works. We don’t get mad at each other that easily.”
Carroll raises a skeptical eyebrow, but I ignore him.
“It’s just that I hadn’t thought about this other stuff,” I say. “Like, what it means for me if Toni starts presenting as a guy. I guess it doesn’t really mean anything for me, though. It’s not about me.”
“Sure it is,” Carroll says. “Like, what do you tell your parents? ‘Whoops, sorry I freaked you out, it was a false alarm, it turns out I’m into guys, after all’?”
“Oh, my parents won’t care either way. They love Toni.”
“For real?” Carroll frowns. “When did you come out to them?”
“Eighth grade, when I had my first girlfriend. My brother’s gay, too, so they were used to it by the time I came along.”
“Huh.” Carroll strokes his chin. He didn’t shave this morning, so there’s a tiny bit of light brown stubble there. “So they’d be cool with it if you told them your girlfriend’s getting a dick.”
Oh, for gosh sake. “Look, Carroll, please don’t talk like that. You sound like you’re on Fox News.”
“Sorry. I promise to behave from now on.”
Carroll spends the rest of brunch telling me about the latest episode of The Flighted Ones while I finish two more mugs of coffee.
When I get back to my room, I’m jittery from the caffeine. My head feels like it’s going to detach itself from my body and go romp around in Headache Land. There’s no way I can focus on the paper I need to write. Instead, I take three aspirin and gaze at the computer screen while all the questions Carroll asked whirl around in my brain. After two hours, I know the headache isn’t going away unless I talk this all the way through.
I can’t talk to Toni. Not until I’ve done enough research to understand all the gender stuff. Not until I can talk about it the same way Toni’s new friends apparently can.
Besides, sometimes being a good girlfriend means not mentioning every single thought that passes through your head. Especially thoughts that might hurt your girlfriend’s feelings.
So I text Carroll and ask him to come out for another slice of pizza.
5
OCTOBER
FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE
6 WEEKS APART
TONI
I think Kevin & I are going to try a nonmonogamous relationship, the text from Audrey says.
I glance around before texting back, since I’m in class, but no one seems to be paying attention to me.
What does that mean?
We want to stay together but also see other people, my sister replies.
Like having your cake and eating it too?
Whatever. Don’t mock my romantic ideals.
Hey, I have the utmost respect for your romantic ideals. Who do you want to romance with besides Kevin?
No one in particular. I just want the option. Monogamy is so old-school. No offense.
None taken. I pride myself on my old-schoolness.
I bite my lip to keep from laughing out loud.
I’m sure Audrey is dead serious about the “nonmonogamous relationship” thing, but I can’t imagine what it will actually mean in practice. The second Kevin hooks up with some other girl, Audrey’s bound to go psychotic.
I slide my phone back into my bag and glance around the room. We’re in a small basement classroom in one of the older buildings on campus. They haven’t turned the heat on yet, so everyone’s wrapped up in coats and scarves against the chill. Three other people are on their phones, too, which makes me feel better, but I turn to my laptop and get back to taking notes anyway. Lacey, our grad student teaching fellow, is winding down the discussion about the evolution of the two-party system.
In high school I never would’ve dreamed of texting in class. I was what you might call a nerd about academics. And, okay, most other things.