I laugh, too. “I hope so. I’ve missed you so much.”
“All summer, it’s been so hard, you know?” Her voice still sounds light and happy, but there are pauses between her words, as if she’s thinking hard about what to say. “Being around all our old friends and everything in DC, and you not being here. I’ve seen Audrey, like, twenty times, but not you.”
I know Gretchen isn’t trying to make me feel guilty, but I do. Only kind of, though. Going to Oxford was the best thing I could’ve done. My job was amazing, and being in a different country was even better. No one knew me. No one expected me to be anything except who I felt like being. “Was it a good summer, though?”
“Well.” I might be imagining it, but it sounds like Gretchen feels a little guilty, too. “Actually, yeah. I joined this pickup volleyball team that plays on the mall after work. The people are really cool. Plus Heidi’s in town, so I’ve been hanging out with her, and one of my professors helped me get this great internship at the Folger.”
“Yeah, I heard about that.”
“Oh, yeah? You been keeping tabs on me?”
“Er, maybe?”
We both laugh.
“So, who’s Stacey?” I ask.
“Oh, nobody. How’s Derek and the rest of the crew?”
She’s trying to change the subject. I let her. “Derek’s great. His surgery went really well. He said he feels fantastic and he bought all new shirts for the fall. He got one with a picture of Dorothy Parker on it that he’s really excited about.”
She laughs again. “That’s great. Did you know Nance and I have been emailing?”
“Yeah. She mentioned.”
“She’s actually turned out to be pretty cool. She pointed me to some online groups that have really great information.”
“Yeah, she told me she was going to do that.”
“She also said something about Eli staying in the US over the summer. What’s up with that?”
I sigh. “I guess Eli’s dad is still having a hard time with things. His mom said he needed more time, so Eli stayed in Boston for the break. It worked out because Andy’s mom got him an internship at the last minute, but it’s been rough for him.”
Gretchen sighs, too. “I bet.”
“It could be worse, I guess. At least he didn’t have to de-transition to a girl and go back to Korea.”
“Yeah. God.”
We’re both silent for a second. Then Gretchen clears her throat.
“By the way, did Nance also tell you she’s trying to set you up with some girl she knows at Wellesley?” she asks. “Because she told me that. I think she was trying to make me jealous.”
There’s a new strain in Gretchen’s voice. I don’t answer her. I don’t know what to say.
“Also, I guess you heard Chris and Steven are officially done,” she goes on, rambling now.
“Oh, yeah,” I say. “Thank God. Chris told me he’s psyched to go back to school. Apparently there are three different guys on his crew team he can’t wait to ask out.”
“Really? That’s awesome. Good for him. Also, did you hear Renee and Liz got back together? They posted all these pictures of them making goo-goo eyes at each other out at Great Falls.”
“Yeah. Renee told me it was supposed to just be a summer fling, but I don’t buy that. She sounded way too lovey-dovey.”
“Wow,” Gretchen says. “Sounds like you’ve kept up with everything.”
I don’t respond. There’s no way to answer her without bringing up what we’re not saying. That we’ve both spent the summer talking to everyone except each other. That this is the first time Gretchen and I have spoken since December, and it’s so hard to say anything that really matters.
There’s an awkward silence. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course,” I say.
“Did you ever talk to your mom again? I mean, did you ever tell her...you know.”
Did I ever tell my mother the truth, is what Gretchen means.
“Not yet,” I say. “I might, at some point, but there’s no rush.”
“Have you seen her at all?”
“Not since that day. I stayed at Derek’s for winter break, and then for the summer I flew straight from Boston to the UK. I just don’t have the energy to deal with family stuff. I’ve got enough to think about without worrying what she thinks.”
For a moment we’re both silent. I can hear Gretchen pulling in a breath. Finally she says, “So, what do you think?”
We both know what she’s asking.
“Pretty much the same stuff I thought before,” I say. “I keep cycling through all the options without ever actually finding answers. I thought for sure I’d have it all figured out by the time this summer started, but now the summer’s ending and I’m not any closer than I was the last time I saw you.”