I let the door close.
I don’t regret it, either, as I drop the fourteen floors to the lobby. Maybe by senior year, Carroll will have grown up enough to forgive me. I’m not going to wait around, though. I have more important things to do.
By the time I get to the lobby, all I can think about is Toni’s text. I still halfway think it has to be a mistake. Then I spot the Red Sox baseball cap sticking out like a beacon in the sea of black North Face coats.
Tons of people are moving around. Talking, laughing. Coming in, going out. In the middle of it all, there’s Toni, absolutely motionless.
I blink about twenty times. I shake my head and look again. Toni’s still there.
Then Toni’s walking over. It’s like we’re in slow motion.
The security desk is between us. Toni can’t come any farther without being signed in as a visitor. I don’t know if I’m supposed to do that or not. I blink some more.
Toni blinks back at me. “What did you do to your hair?”
The spell breaks.
“Oh, right.” My fingers twitch as I tug on a few black strands. I don’t know if it’s from nervousness or the three bottles of Diet Coke I’ve had tonight. “That. I was in a mood. Don’t worry, I’ll get it fixed when we go home for break. Sam says they’ll have to use some serious industrial-strength bleach, but whatever.”
Toni nods. “Can I come in?”
For a second I almost say no. Then I come back to myself. “Yeah, yeah, of course.”
We sign in at the desk and Toni comes through to my side. We don’t kiss. We don’t hug. We don’t touch at all. It’s so, so strange. It’s like Toni’s someone I used to know from camp instead of the great love of my life.
I take Toni to the basement where we rehearsed Carroll’s coming-out scene a million years ago. I can’t think of anywhere else we could talk alone.
And I can tell Toni wants to talk. That’s a good thing, because I want to talk, too.
“So, uh.” I gaze around the basement, but there’s no one else here except the trash-compactor smells. My fingers itch to touch Toni. I clasp my hands behind my back. “I didn’t know you were coming to New York.”
“Yeah, me, neither.”
Toni sits down on the ratty couch. I lean against the wall opposite. Toni’s hands are shaking.
This whole scene feels way too much like that night by the fountain. There’s no way Toni came here to break up with me again, is there?
“I made a huge mistake at Thanksgiving,” Toni says. I stop breathing. “I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I ever thought those things, let alone said them. It must’ve been temporary insanity. I wish I could take it all back, but I know I can’t, so can we please just pretend it never happened?”
I close my eyes and savor this feeling.
I can smell the dank basement scent. I can feel the cinder block wall digging into my back. I can hear the hum of the industrial radiator. That’s how I know this isn’t a dream.
Toni’s really here. Toni’s really saying this.
I open my eyes and sit next to Toni on the couch. My arms slide around Toni’s shoulders. Toni’s hands move to my back, my waist. Finally. Finally.
“Yeah,” I say. “We definitely can.”
We kiss. Oh, oh, we kiss.
Ten minutes ago I was upstairs thinking about climate change while Samantha banged on her computer keys behind me. Now I’m here. Kissing Toni.
I can pretend Thanksgiving didn’t happen. Pretend the past few weeks didn’t feel the way they felt. We can move on with our lives, together, the way I always wanted us to.
I hadn’t wanted to let myself hope this moment would come. But it did.
“I came out to my mom,” Toni says when we stop kissing.
I feel it like a jolt. The spell has broken a second time.
“Are you serious?” I ask. “When?”
“This afternoon.”
“Wow.” I’m not sure what to think about that, but I guess it doesn’t matter. I’m back to being the supportive girlfriend. I squeeze Toni’s shoulder. “What, on the phone?”
“No, I went to DC.”
“Wow,” I say again. This doesn’t even sound real, but I can tell it is from Toni’s face. “What happened?”
“She smoked a cigarette in front of me. I never knew she smoked.”
“What did she say?”
“She threatened to take my credit card away, but then she didn’t really do it. She was extremely pissed, though. I’m sure the real explosion is coming at winter break.”
“Wow.” I shake my head. This seems impossible. I didn’t even know this was happening until it was over. “Congratulations. I can’t believe you really did it.”
“Me, neither. I just decided to do it at lunch today, actually.”
“Lunch...in Boston?”
Toni nods.
“Wow.” I look at my watch. “It’s eleven p.m. You’ve had a busy day.”
“Yeah. Doing a lot of stuff I should’ve done a long time ago.”
I smile and kiss Toni on the cheek, just because I can. “Um, can I ask you a question?”