Isn’t that why I came here, though? To do my own thing, without Toni? Make friends who were all mine?
Instead I’ve spent all year obsessing about Toni, and... I’m pretty sure Toni hasn’t been obsessing about me back. At least, not as much as Toni’s been obsessing about Toni.
And I get it. For real. The gender stuff is a big deal. I promised I’d wait while Toni figured it all out, but in the meantime I forgot I was supposed to be figuring myself out, too. Maybe that’s what college is for.
“Anyway, if Carroll was really your friend, he wouldn’t have said that to you this morning,” Sam says. “No matter how awkward it was.”
“Maybe he was having a psychotic break,” I say. “It would be freaky, being gay and then randomly hooking up with a girl.”
“Well, you did it. Was it that freaky for you?”
I think about it. “Nah. I mean, it was weird, and I don’t think I want to do it again, but I’m not, you know, suicidal over it. Sex isn’t that big a deal to me.”
“So you didn’t suddenly turn straight last night? Or bi, or whatever?”
I almost smile. I forget how Sam is about this stuff. She’s like the exchange student my brother hosted in middle school who thought it was absolutely fascinating that our family went to church once a week. He kept asking questions about which saints were our favorites and whether the Virgin Mary put candy in our shoes at Christmas.
“No,” I say. “Why would I do that?”
“I don’t know. Maybe if you liked it?”
I smile for real at that. “Well, it was okay. But not, you know. Stellar.”
“Not as good as with girls?”
“Not even close.”
“Well, that’s not his fault. He didn’t know what he was doing.”
“Is there that much to it? It seemed straightforward enough.”
Samantha laughs.
I don’t think she gets what I’m trying to say, though. The thing is, your sexual orientation is only this tiny part of your actual sex life. I mostly like girls, but I’ve been attracted to guys before, and it really isn’t a big deal.
But there is one thing I figured out last night. Sex needs to be tied to something else. Something bigger. You can’t just stick it in the middle of any relationship and expect it to work. At least, not if you’re me.
“Anyway,” Sam says, still laughing, “Carroll’s the one who has issues. Don’t let him get to you.”
I finish the juice. “I have issues, too.”
“I know. Speaking of which, how come when I first asked you what was wrong, you said it was about Toni?”
The tears are back.
“Sorry,” she says. “Want more juice?”
“No, it’s okay.”
I said it was about Toni. Everything’s about Toni. My whole life is about Toni. It has been ever since we met.
Maybe that’s not how it’s supposed to work. I don’t know. I’ve always loved it, though. When everything is about Toni, I know what I’m supposed to do. Who I’m supposed to be. I don’t have to worry about being happy because I am happy. Being one half of Toni-and-Gretchen felt a million times better than just being Gretchen ever did.
Except now I can barely even remember how just being Gretchen really felt.
“Do you think Toni will be mad when she finds out what happened?” Sam asks. “Will she throw a big hissy fit?”
“Toni doesn’t throw hissy fits,” I say, even though that’s not entirely true. “Besides, we’re on a break. It’s okay for me to do whatever.”
“Even with guys?”
“I don’t see what difference that would make.”
“Uh. Okay, if you say so.”
“Seriously. Trust me, that’s not the problem. Toni isn’t petty like that. It’s just—” I rub my eyes. “Well. To be totally honest...all along, I kept thinking Toni was going to call me and take it back. You know, what happened at Thanksgiving. Every day I thought it would happen, but it hasn’t. Yet. So now I kind of think maybe it’s not going to, and I don’t know what to do next.”
Sam sits down on the foot of the bed. “I’m sorry.”
“Plus, I used to—” I can’t say it. “Ugh, it sounds so stupid.”
“I spent the past two days listening to Draven argue with himself about which girl in Black Swan was the hottest. You’ll sound fine.”
That makes me laugh. I hiccup again and force the words out. “I— Wow. I really, honestly thought Toni and I would get married someday. You know?”
Samantha smiles. “That doesn’t sound stupid at all. I thought I was going to stay with my ex-boyfriend forever, too.”
I fix my eyes on the ceiling. “How did you deal when you broke up?”
“Oh, I’m still pissed. Just not as much as I used to be.” She shrugs. “I was really, really mad for a long time. Then I came to New York, and I realized there are a lot of guys out there. Sure, a lot of them are jerks, but some are okay. I’m glad I don’t have to stay with some guy I knew in high school for the rest of my life. I can get to know other people without feeling guilty about it.”