“Your mother, if she is indeed your mother, kept calling you by that name,” I say sarcastically, the fog and blurry visions washing over my senses like an eager wave.
Shadow sits up on the bed and runs his hands through his hair. His body is stiff; when he looks at me, his eyes are unreadable.
His hesitation gives me the feeling he doesn’t trust me. I don’t know why, I haven’t done anything for him to question my loyalty.
“This will never work if you don’t let me in,” I sputter, feeling hurt. The pain in my head and ribs don’t compare to the hurt he just inflicted on my soul.
“You don’t trust me,” I say. The way his eyes glaze over confirms the accusation, sucking the breath from my lungs. He winces at the hurt dilating my eyes, his face softens.
“I don’t trust easily. I want to trust you, I do, but then I don’t,” he says, looking down at the comforter. I can see he's uncomfortable with his trust issues. I can’t hate him for not trusting me; not when he wants to but he just doesn’t know how. It’s not that he can’t trust me, I just simply need to earn it. The ache in my chest lessens at the thought.
“Then talk to me, Shadow, damn it”! I cry as the pain radiates through my head like fire.
“Damn it, Dani, calm down. You're hurt.” Shadow climbs up the bed and envelopes my body into his. My nerves and mixed emotions, as high and thick as the evening tide, relax as my body molds to his. The smell of sweat and woodsy body wash lick my senses, making me feel at home in his strong arms.
We lay that way for a while, just listening to each other breathe. Our heartbeats become one and our breathing syncs with one another. I hate that I'm so head-over-heels for Shadow when he may not feel the same.
“My father joined the Army when I was a kid,” Shadow says quietly, his breath whisking into my hair as he speaks.
“After a while, I guess my mom needed more than love letters and the occasional military leave from my father. Apparently, I wasn’t enough either. One day she left and didn’t come back for a few days. When she did, she was different; she wasn’t my mother. I never saw my mother again,“ Shadow sighs heavily. I can literally hear all the sorrow in that single sigh.
“She used to have such bright, blue eyes, but after that first time she left me alone, they were dull and pathetic. Then she would be gone for weeks at a time; her thick body was slimming down to skeletal and her teeth were rotting.
“When I did talk to my father, I never told him what was going on. My mother and I were his lifeline over there. I think he knew, though; he kept asking for her and I always had to make up an excuse. She quit writing him back when his letters came.
“Then she started showing up with Ricky. I could hear them fucking through the night.” I hear Shadow grind his teeth. “I hated that fucker, he used to call me 'Champ'. I just wanted to kill him.” Shadow spoke with such hurt and remorse, his body tense. I wanted to roll over and hold him, but I was afraid to move; afraid he would close up. So I laid there listening.
“One day I got the news my dad had been gunned down in Iraq. My mother had been gone for a week. When she finally came home, she showed up with Ricky. I told her the news and she laughed; she didn’t even go to the funeral. She just took off with the money that was donated to us by 'Fallen Soldiers' and left me. Eventually the electricity, water, everything was turned off. I had no food, no father, and no mother. I was fourteen years old.” Shadow pauses, rubbing his hands over his face. I want to turn and see his expression, his eyes, but I don't have it in me to see the man I’m in love with hurt so much.
“All I have of my father is his dog tags and the car we would work on together when he got leave,” Shadow says in a whisper, making my own eyes water. The car in the garage; he said it was all he had from his dad. I can see a little boy working on a car with his dad when I close my eyes, making the water that drenches my eyes spill over.
“When I was younger I got thrown in “Juvie”. That’s where I met Bobby. He was in there for stealing a car. We ended up getting the same release date, and I went home with him. His parents invited me in with open arms; they never judged Bobby and I. They provided food and a roof over my head without asking anything in return. They both died in a car crash our last year of high school,” Shadow sighs. “Bobby and I dropped out and found the club.”
I thought my life was messed up, but I had nothing on Shadow. His past clearly has done some damage. Is this what he has been so scared to tell me? Or is he just telling me this to get me off his back? I roll over and look into Shadow’s eyes, digging down into his soul. He tenses under my stare, aware of the unspoken connection our souls share, and breaks eye contact with me.
There is more; more he wants to tell me but can’t. I can sense it.