“That’s not what I meant.”
“I know what you meant.” I said. “I have no interest in dating anyone. Right now, I can’t imagine wanting to date ever again.”
What I didn’t say was that even though I didn’t want to date, I didn’t much like the concept of being alone, either. What I wanted was for Vivian and me to go back to what we had before. I wanted to rewind and start over.
Marge seemed to read my mind. “Have you heard from Vivian? About what time you can go home tomorrow?”
“Not yet. I’m going to call London later. I figure she’ll tell me then.”
Marge pointed to the burrito. “You’re not eating.”
“I wouldn’t be able to finish this if I were stranded on a desert island for a month.”
“Why don’t you at least try a bite?”
I did as she asked; while it was tasty, I was still full from the hamburger, and I turned toward Liz. “Did you learn any Mexican recipes in your class?”
Liz nodded as she poked at her salad. “A few. I could have made you something, but I was feeling kind of lazy. And I would have had to run to the store.”
“Do you have some easy and healthy recipes? Meals that London would enjoy?”
“Plenty. Do you want me to pick a few favorites?”
“Would you? I want to keep things normal, but I’m not very experienced in the kitchen. I do want to keep London on a good schedule, though. Which includes dinner.”
“I’ll have some recipes for you by tomorrow.”
“I appreciate it,” I said. “How was the housewarming party?”
“It was a lot of fun,” Liz said. “The house is very stylish. Even though our friends just moved in, they had all their paintings hung. It was actually pretty impressive.”
Automatically, I wondered whether they owned any of Emily’s. I wondered, too, how Emily’s night with her sister Jess was going. Under Marge’s scrutiny, I forked another piece of the burrito.
“Today was the first time I didn’t think about Vivian every waking minute.”
Marge offered a thoughtful expression. “What was that like?”
“Strange,” I said. “But I think it was good for me. I don’t feel quite as anxious now.”
“You’re already beginning to heal, Russ,” Marge said to me. “You’re stronger than you think.”
I smiled, remembering that Emily had said exactly the same thing.
After dinner, I dialed Vivian using FaceTime, and she answered on the second ring.
“Hey there,” she said, “London and I are cuddled up watching a movie. Can she call you back a little later?”
“Hi, Daddy!” I heard London call out. “Nemo and Dory are with the sharks!”
“Yeah, sure,” I said. “Did you two have a good time today?”
“We had a lot of fun,” Vivian said. “She’ll call you back, okay?”
“I love you, Daddy!” London shouted. “Miss you!”
The sound of her voice made my heart ache.
“That’s fine,” I said. “I’ll be around.”
I carried my phone with me while I helped Marge and Liz in the kitchen; I kept it on the table beside me when Marge brought out the Scrabble board. Liz, I learned, took the game seriously, and she was good. By the end, she’d outscored both my sister and me combined, but the game was a lot more fun than I remembered.
It was almost enjoyable enough, in fact, to make me forget the fact that London didn’t call back.
Almost, but not quite.
In the morning, I received a text from Vivian. Can you come by at six thirty? Let me know if that works for you.
It struck me as kind of late, especially since she had to drive back, but I wasn’t going to point that out. She was trying to spend as much time with London as she could, but because I was still annoyed that I hadn’t had a chance to talk to London, I put my phone aside without responding. I didn’t text her back until almost two in the afternoon.
My run that morning was nearly eight miles and when I got home, I did a hundred push-ups. Only when I’d showered did my irritation begin to wane.
Liz put together a small recipe book of about fifteen recipes, most with no more than six different ingredients. Afterward, she showed me how to meal plan, and we went to the grocery store to stock up on everything I would need.
Though Marge and Liz would disagree, I nonetheless felt a bit like a third wheel, and after lunch, I hopped in the car and drove to the bookstore. I had never been a big reader, but I found myself wandering to the relationship section of the bookstore. There were a few shelves of books about coping with divorce and I thumbed through all of them before finally selecting a few. When I was checking out, I was sure that the clerk would read the titles before glancing at me with pity, but the teenage girl with pink hair behind the register simply scanned the books before shoving them into a bag and asking me whether I’d like to pay in cash or with credit.
Afterward, I decided to swing by the park, on the off chance that London would be there. If she was, I wasn’t sure whether I would intrude, but I wanted to see her. It occurred to me that I was behaving like an addict who was suffering from withdrawal, but I didn’t care.
When I got to the park, there was no sign of Vivian and London. I pulled in anyway. With the temperatures cooling off a bit this weekend, there were more kids there than usual. I took a seat on the bench and opened one of the books. I began to read, at first because I thought I should, but after half an hour, because I wanted to.
What I learned was that Marge, Liz and Emily had been right. Though it may have felt otherwise, what I was going through wasn’t unique. The emotional swings, the self-blame, the circular questions and sense of failure were par for the course when it came to most divorces. But reading about it, as opposed to simply hearing it, made it seem more real somehow, and by the time I finally closed the book, I felt a little better. I thought about returning to Marge’s, but instead I spotted a boy who resembled Bodhi and I reached for my phone.
When Emily picked up, I rose from my seat, inexplicably nervous. I walked toward the fence that lined the perimeter.
“Hello?”
“Hey there,” I said. “It’s me, Russ.”
“What’s going on? You doing okay?”
“I’m fine,” I said. “Just missing London and had to get out of the house. How are you doing?”
“About the same. David and Bodhi are at the movies right now. I think they’re going out for pizza later. Which means that I’ve been staring at my paintings again.”
“Have you deciphered the whispers yet?”
“Working on it. What have you been up to today?”
“I ran eight miles. Felt pretty good, too. I hung out with Marge and Liz, went to the bookstore. Now, I’m just killing time and thought I’d call to say thanks for yesterday.”
“My pleasure. I had a great time,” she said.
I felt a strange sense of relief at that. “How was dinner with your sister last night?”
“She and her hubby had been arguing before I got there. Though they kept it mostly in check, I still noticed a lot of glaring and heard more than half a dozen deep sighs. It was kind of like a stroll down memory lane, what with David and all.”
I laughed. “That sounds awful.”
“It wasn’t pretty. But Jess called this morning to apologize. And then, right after, she launched into yet another story about how Brian seemed intent on antagonizing her.”