Dinah felt the fury climbing up through her chest, only this time it was different. This was a longing, a need, something that felt like falling, like a string was yanking her heart out of her chest. Toward him, only him, always him. She was no longer in control—all she could feel was the needing, the wanting to touch him. The passion crawled up through her until she became its puppet. It moved her limbs, her mind, her lips. She wanted him. She had waited long enough, and had almost lost him once. He was still speaking when Dinah leaned over him, her arms on either side of his body.
“If this is the last then there is something…. Dinah, what are you doing?”
Tenderly, she bent over him, her lips brushing his, as gentle and soft as dew drops on a petal. His lips were warm and moist, and tipped with everything good Dinah had ever tasted. Her red lips dusted across his, feeling his mouth staying painfully still. He lay motionless, frozen. What am I doing? Dinah yanked her head back and looked down at him with confusion and hesitation.
Wardley gave a painful grimace, and then he grabbed the back of her head roughly, pressing his lips hard against hers. Dinah gasped at the force with which he kissed her. It was the opposite of gentle—it was a forceful, hungry kiss with more than a hint of anger beneath it. With a grunt, he flipped Dinah over onto her back and leveled his body over hers before he started kissing her again, ever harder and harder, until Dinah felt her lips going numb. It was delicious and full of pleasure, and yet, something wasn’t right. Wardley’s hands were pressed against her shoulders as if he was holding her down, or holding himself back. It was a defensive pose and his body was tensed in anger. As he kissed her furiously, Dinah felt a wet tear drip down his face onto her cheek. She pushed his face back. It took her a minute to catch her breath. This was not how she dreamed their first true kiss would be—aggressive and slightly violent.
“What? Wardley, what is wrong? What are you doing??” Her eyes traveled over the face she knew so well, and she could feel her heart wrench painfully when she recognized his grim determination. Her face, in turn, displayed a new emotion as she looked up at the man she loved so much: rejection.
“I’m sorry, Dinah.” He turned away from her, his voice shaking. “I can’t do this.”
Dinah’s hands clenched. “What do you mean, you can’t do this?”
Wardley sat back and extended his hand to help her up. Dinah slapped it away. “Please don’t touch me.” She sat up, her limbs trembling with unfulfilled passion.
“Dinah, please!” Wardley grabbed her roughly, his hands on the sides of her neck, his forehead pressed up against hers. His voice was filled with desperation. “Don’t you understand? I WANT to love you this way. I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want to love you in this way, the way you love me. I’ve begged and pleaded with the gods to give me those feelings for you! I want to be your king, your husband, your lover. But I cannot…,” he struggled with the words. “I can’t force myself to feel those things for you, no matter how much I wish it, no matter how much I long to be the man you deserve.” He kissed her trembling forehead. “You are my best friend, a part of me! I love you, Dinah, and I will fight for your right to rule to my death! Does that mean anything? That I would die for you, gladly?” His face was contorted in agony as he looked into her black eyes. “Dinah, please! Please say something. I can’t bear the silence. Please!”
They were both breathing heavily now. Dinah stared at him, her heart shattering into heavy pieces. The world seemed to be cracking and breaking under her feet. Wardley opened his mouth again, his words broken and tender.
“You have no idea what I left behind to come and fight for you….”
“Do not speak to me.”
It was like being plunged into icy waters when you were burning hot—Dinah felt a ripping that was both parts of her soul and her vision of their future. She was left empty, drained—without her love, without him…. He would never be hers.
“Please leave.” She turned away from him, her voice flat and dead. “Please leave, Sir Wardley. You have done your duty here.”
He grabbed her arm and tugged it. “Stop it, Dinah! Don’t talk to me like that. Don’t turn away from me. I won’t leave you, not in this state. Please, look at me.”
She turned to him, her face a mask of stone. “You kissed me once. Is this all a game, Wardley? One more secret of my twisted upbringing? Did someone hire you to make me love you? Do you remember that day under the Julla Tree, when you kissed me? Was that part of the plan?”
Wardley grabbed her hands. “What are you talking about? Of course I remember. I kissed you because I wanted to. Because you were the first girl that I ever cared for. But even then, I knew that my feelings for you were not of that nature, no matter how much I tried to force them.”
“Force them? Did you force yourself to play with me when we were children? Or to seek me out when we were older? Were you forced to train me on the sword or to follow me here?”
Wardley shook his head angrily. “No. Never! You’re not listening. You don’t understand—Dinah, I would do anything for you!”