Damn if he didn’t want to just lose himself in her first and then have the serious conversation, but he knew better than anyone that women weren’t wired that way. So, with self-control he knew he rarely possessed, he pulled back and sat on the bed, in nothing but his boxers, and waited for her to sit up too.
When she did, he wrapped his arms around her and lifted her off the bed, carrying her to the window seat where they could look out at the lake, out at all his memories—his past.
Once she was tucked in his lap, he pulled a blanket from a basket on the floor and wrapped it around them. The feel of her skin caused his entire body to tingle as they sat tangled on the chair, legs entwined. He put his chin on her head and wrapped his arms around her ribs.
“It was over there, by the dock.”
Char exhaled. “What was?”
“My first time doing drugs.”
She stiffened.
Jake swallowed. “I was a kid—stupid, young, and way too cocky for my own good. I know what you’re thinking; some things never change, but I can’t even imagine what I would have been like had he not found me.”
“He?”
“Bill.” Jake gripped her hands together. “Kacey’s dad. I drank so much that night. I was lucky to be alive; I kept drinking because I kept snorting cocaine. I felt invincible, like I could fly. I mean, I wasn’t even tired. I just wanted to stay up all night and party. I felt like I was an adult, that I could handle it.”
“What happened?”
Jake laughed. “Well, my parents were gone for the weekend. I’d stayed home with Travis, but he had gone out with friends, leaving me all by myself. I threw a party. Just a few of us. Every single person was either a senior or older. I thought I was such a bad ass.”
“Anyway.” He cleared his throat. “My dad had asked Bill to check on us during the weekend. Obviously I didn’t know that. He found me just after I’d jumped off the end of the dock and somehow hit my head on the boat tied up at the end. All my so-called friends were too high or wasted to notice. But Bill had just pulled up, after seeing the entire thing. He ran out there and jumped in the water. He saved my life.”
Char’s grip on his hands tightened. “I guess—you’d think after that huge come-to-Jesus moment, you’d have changed your ways? I don’t get it.”
“I did.” Jake shrugged. “For a while. I got good grades, played every sport possible, apologized profusely to Bill. He only told his wife, never my parents or Kacey. It bonded us, I looked up to him, I respected him because it was the first time in my teenage years an adult had treated me as an adult, so I wanted him to be just as proud of me as he was of Travis and Kace.”
Shaking, Jake closed his eyes and murmured a curse. Why was this so damn hard? Maybe it was because it was the first time he’d said everything out loud, and it was to someone he actually cared about, someone he loved. And in baring his soul, he realized how terrifying it was to actually love another person. In loving someone you gave them all the power to hurt you, to reject you. And he knew, deep down that the minute he revealed who he truly was, the mask would slip, and it would just be him, Jake Titus, a broken man. In the end, would she still want him? Or leave him the way he deserved?
“In college,” he continued, “Kace and I were inseparable. I know you know the entire sordid story. I mean, I’m pretty sure it was you who continued to send me nasty text messages for an entire year from an unknown number.”
Char laughed.
“Right.” Jake grinned. “We slept together in college… but that night. Shit, I knew what I was doing. I told her I was young and stupid, but a guy knows. I just didn’t care. I knew it would change us, I knew it would change her, but I still wanted it. I still wanted her even though I knew it wouldn’t move past that night. I think in the back of my mind I always knew we were better as friends. Bill had told me over and over again that guys and girls couldn’t be friends. I think he was warning me that, no matter what, hormones take over. And when you mix alcohol with hormones, well…” Hell, he hated telling her this part. “Kacey doesn’t remember much, but I do.”
“What do you mean?” Char asked in a small voice.
Well, here went nothing. “We drank the same amount, but she’s so much smaller than me, she remembers having sex, she remembers it being awkward, but I don’t think she remembers crying. Or the fact that about halfway through she asked me to stop, she said she didn’t want to disappoint her dad…”
Char turned to face him. “You didn’t stop, did you?”
“No.” Jake almost choked on the word. “I told her it was fine, that it was normal to be afraid. I…” Jake closed his eyes. “I told her I loved her. And that since I loved her it was okay.”
“And then you left.” Char finished the story.