“Please,” she whispers brokenly. “I need to wash his touch off me.”
Indecision wars within me. This is wrong. It doesn’t feel right to do what she’s asking of me, I shouldn’t touch her after what Theo did to her, but I understand her need to rid herself of all reminders of him.
When a single tear slides down her cheek and she widens her legs a few inches, I can’t not do what she’s asking. I pull in a lungful of air and it whooshes out in a rush.
I look back down and move the sponge between her legs. Her body jolts once, but other than that she stands still. Her hand is still on mine, helping guide me, and it makes me feel fractionally better knowing I’m not doing this alone. I make sure it’s only the sponge touching her and not my fingers. This is only to clean her, nothing more.
Her free hand grips my shoulder as her other hand puts pressure on mine. She works the sponge back and forth over her sensitive flesh in almost a frantic movement. She applies even more pressure, and I frown, because I know it can’t be comfortable. She makes a noise in the back of her throat, and at first I think she’s enjoying the friction and she’s moaning in pleasure, but when I look up at face, her eyes are closed, and her expression is twisted into a mask of pain.
When I try to pull the sponge away, her grip on my hand tightens and her movements become frenzied.
“Jules.” I call her name, my throat tight at seeing her anguish. Her eyes remain closed, so I call her name again and put a stop to both of our hands. “Jules. Look at me.” I strengthen my voice.
Her eyes spring open and the amount of despair in their depths would bring me to my knees if I wasn’t already on them.
“I just need it to go away,” she cries, and tries to force my hand to move again.
I stand and take the sponge away from her, dropping it to the shower floor.
“Stop it, baby. You’re fucking killing me here.” And she is. I can’t fucking stand her hurting herself to try to get rid of the feeling of his hands on her. It makes me want to scream bloody murder and find Theo and beat the shit out of him until there’s no part of him that’s recognizable.
I cup her cheeks and bring her face toward me, planting a soft kiss against her trembling lips.
“He’ll never touch you again. Never come near you again.” I pull back so she can see the truth on my face. “I swear, Jules. Never fucking again.”
Her arms band around my neck and she plasters her chest to mine. My arms go around her slim waist, and I bring her in tighter. I can feel her erratic heartbeat against my chest and the slight tremors in her body. Her silent cries shred pieces of my soul.
I don’t know how long I hold her. Time doesn’t matter. The only thing that does is making her feel safe again and taking away her pain and heartache. I’d do anything to take her anguish upon myself. I try my damndest to absorb it into my body and give her my warmth and my strength.
Her cries become whimpers and after a while she pulls back. Neither of us talk as I grab the shampoo and wash her hair. Her eyes close when I tip her head back to rinse out the white foam. I smooth conditioner in the long strands and rinse that as well.
I gently move her to the side and step underneath the warm water. After filling the sponge with more body wash, I hurriedly run it over my body. She crosses her arms over her chest as she watches me. I don’t know if it’s to cover herself or if she’s cold from not being under the warm water. I squirt shampoo in the palm of my hand and quickly run it through my hair. Closing my eyes, I tip my head back to rinse.
When I lift my head again and open my eyes, I’m surprised to see Jules has moved closer to me. Her gaze isn’t directed at my face, but rather my cock. It wilted with her need to roughly scrub between her legs, but with her eyes pinned in that direction, feeling like a soft caress, my dick comes back to life. And the bastard jumps when she licks her lips.
Motherfucker.
“Jules….”
My words die when she lifts her head and closes the gap between us. She wraps her arms around my neck and pulls my head down, sealing our lips together. My initial reaction is a groan, because she tastes so fucking good. My hands go to her hips to push her away—me mauling her is the last thing she needs—but when her moan enters my mouth, I end up pulling her closer. My body acts of its own accord. One hand tangles in her hair, while the other arm wraps fully around her back. Her tits, with their hard little peaks, smash against my chest, and I’m in fucking heaven. She’s soft and sweet and feels so goddamn perfect in my arms.
My cock, which is pressed against her stomach, aches fiercely. I’ve been hard over this woman for weeks, and no matter how many times I’ve jacked off to the image of her, it’s never enough.
But no matter how much I want her, no matter how much my body screams for the relief I know only she can give it, now is not the time. She just went through a tragic experience at the hands of my twin brother. Quite frankly, I’m surprised she can stand to look at me. With everything I’ve done in the past aside, Theo’s actions, and he and I sharing the same face.... How can she look at me and not see him?
With more strength than I knew I was capable of, I pull my lips from hers.
“Baby, we can’t do this.”
She frowns and the tiny crease between her eyes torments me. I want to give her everything she asks from me, but she’s not thinking straight right now. The first time I take her I want her mind solely on me, not on my brother or what he did to her.
“But I want to, Luca.” She leans forward and kisses the center of my chest, snaking her hand down between us to grip my cock.
“Fuck,” I hiss, and throw back my head.
The pleasure is too great, and I’m momentarily frozen for a second as she smoothly slides her hand up and down my shaft a few times. Against all my basic instincts, I grip her hand and make her stop, bringing her palm to lie flat over my chest.
“You don’t know what you’re asking, Jules,” I tell her roughly. “You’re scared and vulnerable right now, and not ready for this.”
Her fingers curl against my chest and she looks at me with imploring eyes. “I do know what I’m asking. I’m asking you to make love to me. Yes, I’m scared, and I may be vulnerable right now, but I know with 100 percent certainty that I want you.”
I close my eyes and rest my head against hers, my resolve slowly cracking, but knowing it may be a mistake we’ll both regret if I give in.
“I can’t—” I break off and take a deep breath. I open my eyes. “I can’t take that chance with you. It’ll fucking break me if you regret it later,” I finish hoarsely.
She grabs my face and brings it down to hers, where she places a single soft kiss against my lips before pulling back. We gaze deeply into each other’s eyes.
“I’m going to tell you something, and I want you to listen carefully. What Theo did to me was horrible, and yes, I realize I want to use you to help me forget what he did. To take away his touch and replace it with yours. For that”—her eyes drop for a moment before coming back to me—“I’m ashamed of myself, and I’m sorry.” I open my mouth to shut that shit down, but she shakes her head. “It’s not just that reason though, Luca. It’s not even a big part of why I want you to make love to me. I want to because it’s you. I wanted you before today. I wanted you before yesterday. I’ll want you the same tomorrow and the day after and the week after next. What Theo did hasn’t and won’t ever change that.”
Fuck.
I am so fucking done for. Her earnest words rip me to shreds then superglue me back together. How in the hell this woman can want me after everything I’ve done is something I’ll never understand, but damned if I’ll ever be able to let her go now.