That is the first thing that comes out of his mouth? No “I’m sorry, baby; it’s not what it looks like”? No, he doesn’t even try to hide that he just messed around on me.
“Meeting now,” Bobby says, pulling me from the doorway. “Come on, Firefly.” I pull my arm from him and stare at Shadow, my eyes beginning to glaze over with tears. How could he? I want to jump on the bed and beat him in the head with the alarm clock sitting on the nightstand, but I can’t even move from the hurt radiating through my veins.
“It’s all right, Firefly. I got you. Come on.” Bobby pulls me with a little more force to get my feet moving before he closes the door and opens the one directly across the hall.
***
“You were gone for a few days. Everybody thought you were in on it, including Shadow,” Bobby explains, as I sit on the bed dumbfounded. His blue jeans hang low on his hips, and his white shirt is bunched upward on his hard stomach. I avert my eyes to the trashy floor.
“My mother kept me, trying to use me as a witness,” I say flatly. Suddenly cold, I pull my leather jacket tightly around my body. Bobby nods in understanding as he hooks his fingers into his belt loops.
“Hell, they let the brothers go pretty quickly when they couldn’t prove they had anything to do with Cassie’s death. They didn’t have shit on ‘em,” Bobby says, crossing his arms and widening his stance. I forgot I saw him running with a gun after Shadow’s mom, Cassie, had been shot. I guess he got away. I am still in shock my mother used Cassie as a criminal informant. My mother is like a venomous snake, slithering her way in any way she sees fit. Cassie almost killed me, pissed that Shadow had killed her boyfriend Ricky. She wanted to take Shadow’s only love, me. She got her wish, only it was my own flesh and blood who did the taking.
“You killed Cassie,” I state. Bobby shrugs and looks the other direction. “You saved my life, thank you,” I add quietly.
“I did what had to be done.” He looks right at me, his stare letting me know it was for the club, not me. We sit here silently, the air filled with so many questions but silence filling the unknown instead.
“I just need to tell Shadow I didn’t have anything to do with my mom’s cancerous plans. Everything will go right back the way it was,” I say to myself more than to him. I’m delirious with hope, not seeing the betrayal of Shadows actions clearly.
“You don’t actually believe that, do you?” Bobby looks at me like I’m an idiot. I shrug, knowing this is not going to be a simple process of forgive and forget with Shadow. His mom ruined him of trusting and loving easily, neglecting him and making him fend for himself at such a young age; makes him question who he can trust in this world if he can’t even depend on his own mother.
“No,” I respond, throwing my head in my hands.
“Look, stay in here, get a shower and I’ll come back and fill you in later,” Bobby explains, grabbing the door handle to the old, wooden door.
I look around the room. It’s a mess. I’m sure the bathroom isn’t any better.
Before I say another word, Bobby leaves and shuts the door behind him.
Looking at the dirty room around me, my heart suddenly ceases beating. A sob escapes my mouth as I realize the extent of the hell my mother has left for me to endure. If I ever see her again, I might kill her, make her bleed as my heart is bleeding right now and Shadow, he just messed around on me without a hint of shame. I look down at my arms and see the leather jacket claiming them, my jacket claiming me as Shadow’s property, telling the world I’m his ol’ lady. My chest feels heavy and begins to sweat. I’m suffocating. I pull on the leather jacket, scratching and screaming to get the damn thing off. I’m not anything of Shadow’s anymore. I get it off and throw it across the room as if it’s a plague. A violent scream erupts from my throat in despair.
Fuck Shadow!
SHADOW
My lungs take a second to regain airflow as Bobby slams the door shut. The last fucking person I thought I would ever see just walked into my room, Dani.
I think she was in on the bust with her mom, using me to get information on the club and using me to get back at her mother in the process. Even with all that, I can’t get her out of my head. I still love the woman who used me and betrayed my club. How am I supposed to deal with that feeling of treachery? The only way I know how is drugs and women. It’s not working, though. It used to work before I knew Dani, before she became my Firefly, lighting up the dark torment, which was guiding my self-loathing. She was my drug rather than the drug of killing. Killing gave me control, made me feel like I had a handle of myself, of my life. Now nothing helps, no matter how many drugs I take or the amount. I snorted so much cocaine yesterday my nose bled, and the sight of women just makes me angry. Nothing can make me feel like Dani did, and nothing can numb the pain she caused.
“That your girl?” Mandy, or was it Sandy, asks me.