I grip the bat harder and slam it down across his arm, the adrenaline feeling like a drug.
After a beat-down that guy will never forget, we all jump back in the van and head back to the club, leaving a bloody, unconscious thug in an empty parking lot, not knowing if he is dead or alive. On the drive back, the girls all start replaying everything that happened, but all I can feel is shame. Coming off the high of rage, I feel the leftover guilt eating at my conscious. What the hell did I just do?
Babs parks the van next to the garage and we all hop out.
“You did great kid,” Vera says, patting me on the back.
“Yeah, this shit with your mom will fly over soon,” Cherry remarks sweetly.
“Welcome to the pack,” Pepper says, smacking my ass.
I smile lightly as they all head into the club, acting as if nothing savage just happened. It’s crazy when you think about it. The hurdle of life’s abandonment scarring us, we wake up every day in the hope of redemption, that today will be better, but it’s a lie. In reality, you have to swim to survive, even if it means drowning the innocent to get to the shore of hope.
I head to Bobby’s room and notice blood on my hands, so I walk into the bathroom and turn the shower on hot. The room fills with steam as I look into the mirror and notice blood spatter all over my face and clothes. I undress quickly and jump in the shower to rinse off. The warm water rushes down my body, rinsing the traces of blood away as if it hadn’t happened. Looking at the water of blood and sins washing down the drain, I think about my mother, how distraught she would be if she found out I was a part of kidnapping, battery and assault, possibly murder. Breaking her upbringing of an untainted daughter. A laugh escapes my mouth, a vicious laugh so hard my belly cramps. My laughter begins to falter as I realize proving myself to the girls tonight unleashed something far darker than I could’ve ever imagined. It is dangerous, manic, and it craves the throes of violence. It’s exactly what my mother tried to keep me from discovering my whole life.
***
Waking up this morning, I feel different. I feel the innocent, fragile mind that was my norm vanish into the wind, like pieces of a dandelion blowing into the darkness and fluttering down into a world of angst and bravery. White wings which were once my sign of innocence have molted into dark, ominous feathers, piecing off one by one.
I have Bobby take me to the apartment first thing; luckily, I don’t run into Shadow. When I walk into the apartment, it is much cleaner than the last time I was here. I remember coming here after Shadow and I had our getaway; the place was trashed by Bobby. I close my eyes tightly trying to push out the images of Shadow and me at the beach house. Will the pain of his betrayal ever wear off?
“So, I’ll put your things in my room just in case Shadow decides to show up,” Bobby says, packing my crap into his room. I follow him and notice his room has a similar layout to Shadow’s, only different colors. Bobby’s bed is unmade and has a red comforter with white sheets, and its size is just as big as Shadow’s. Bobby’s dresser is white with a huge back mirror and his room has clothes thrown from one end to the other. I can’t even tell you the color of carpet he has, or if he even has carpet. It’s just a sea of dirty clothes.
“Needs cleaning, but its home,” he says, smiling.
“Thanks, Bobby. You have been a life saver in all of this,” I say, my tone appreciative.
Bobby shakes his head. “Just doing what was ordered.” He glances at me with an unreadable look.
“So, first step is getting you a job,” Bobby says, rubbing his hands together.
“Oh, goody,” I say dramatically.
“I’ll pick up some newspapers in town, see if anything sparks your interest,” he says, smirking.
“That would be great, thanks.” I tilt my head to the side with a smile of appreciation.
“Yeah, no problem,” Bobby says, grinning a panty-dropping smile. He scratches his chest, the act bringing his shirt up and showing his rock-hard abs. I suck in a tight breath and look at the dirty clothes around my feet; anything to keep my mind off how horny I am and how Shadow is not here to relieve it. My blushing cheeks giving away I find Bobby attractive, he chuckles and walks into the living room. I take a steady breath and follow.
“There should be food and shit in the fridge if you get hungry. I’ll be back later,” he says, heading toward the door.
“Oh, and Firefly,” he hesitates, pausing at the door.
“Ya?” I dart my gaze from the fridge to the door where he’s standing.
“Keep your ass in this apartment,” Bobby demands, his hand pointing to the floor, his harsh tone making me jump. Before I can ask why, he slams the door shut.
I PULL MY .45 up and aim at the target across the grassy field, take a deep breath and apply pressure to the trigger. Instantly, the gun fires and recoils, giving me a brief second of relief, but not enough to curve my dark craving: killing.