Lenni glanced down at her feet, as if urging them to work. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said in that defiant, almost childlike voice. ‘Sorry… sorry… sorry…’
‘Oh, my darling, don’t be sorry.’ Shona drew closer but halted. She wasn’t sure what to do. Was hugging her OK? Maybe she didn’t even want to be hugged.
‘You mustn’t be sorry, Lenni,’ Claire echoed. ‘You did nothing wrong.’ She gripped Nick’s fingers as she crept forward. Eight years to go.
As Lenni stood alone in the middle of the courtyard, her psychologist deliberately holding back, the nurse hovering just in case, Claire noticed that her eyes had latched onto something, or someone. She tracked her gaze to where Rain was standing, a little removed from the rest of them.
‘Hello again,’ Lenni said, a smile lighting up her face. Cheekbones stood proud above her beaming mouth, sore lips framing dark teeth. At this distance, Claire saw the white streaks of sunblock smeared on her skin.
Hello again, Claire thought? Did Lenni recognise something of herself in Rain, drawn to someone of a similar age when she’d been taken? The psychologist had warned them about things like that.
‘It’s hot,’ Eleanor said quietly, only taking her eyes off Rain briefly to look up at the sky. ‘And so big.’ She came closer, the nurse taking hold of her elbow when she wobbled.
Four years.
‘Yes, we’re having a lovely warm spell,’ Claire said, flicking her eyes between Lenni and Rain. What was going on?
‘A lovely warm spell,’ Eleanor repeated, though it was directed at Rain.
‘We should go inside,’ the psychologist suggested. No one replied. All eyes were on Eleanor as she moved forward, releasing herself from the nurse’s steadying hand. She wanted to be free. Just a couple of years apart now.
‘Shall we go to the beach?’ Eleanor asked, approaching Rain. She held out a hand to her. ‘We can get an ice cream.’ The cheeky glimmer of thirteen-year-old Lenni was evident in her grin, though she had no idea how deep her words cut. No one heard the psychologist when she suggested that the beach probably wasn’t a good idea, that going inside and resting would be wise.
Shona, Jason and Claire nodded to each other, drawing close to Lenni, opening their arms wide around her like a giant flower blooming. She allowed herself to be embraced, swallowed up, absorbed by their love. And as the years between them diminished absolutely nothing at all, as the vast expanse of missing time ceased to exist, they all turned and headed slowly for the sea.
Chapter Seventy-Nine
Freedom and Beyond
‘She’s real, she’s real, she’s really, really real,’ I say over and over as I scramble up the steps, glancing back down. My legs hurt and I’m panting, but it gets me thinking – if she’s real, then maybe I’m not.
My heart thumps as I emerge into the place where I used to play, making pretend boats, houses and hospitals. She told me not to stop, to get out, but I have to lean against the old refrigerator to get my breath back – the fridge he slides over the trapdoor to the cellar below to keep me safe. All tucked up, he said. I catch my breath, the air burning in and out of my lungs. As kids, we never knew about the chamber down below. No one did, apart from Daddy. If I had the strength, I’d shove the fridge back over the hole, sealing him in. But then that girl would be locked in too. If she’s even real.
She’s real. She’s real. She’s really, really real!
There’s a noise from down below. Has he come back to life? Or maybe it’s her. Maybe she’s bad and wants to catch me. Or perhaps he’s going to lock her up now instead of me. I take a step down again, pausing, but I feel sick so pull myself up again, listening carefully. Then the noise again. Someone moving about down there. A tiny bird flaps out of the chimney, veering away through a glassless window.
I step over all the rubbish and go to the front door, what’s left of it. I feel like crying because the whole world is out there and it’s really scary. But then I hear her words in my head again – Get out! – so I stand in the open doorway, sucking in the fresh woody air. Finally, I step outside, blinking as my eyes grow accustomed to the light, feeling the breeze on my face. Through the canopy of leaves above, I can just make out the sun, see a few clouds scudding along. It feels like summer. But which one?
Then another noise from inside the cottage, someone getting closer.
I try to run but can’t. My legs won’t have it. I set off through the trees, forcing them to work, grabbing onto the trunks as I make my way down the slope. I stumble, not knowing which direction to go. ‘Help!’ I cry, but my voice barely works.
Finally, I reach the edge of the woods and the world opens up into the biggest, most colourful painting I’ve ever seen. It’s as if an orchestra is playing. It stretches for a thousand miles left and right and up into the sky too. My mouth opens, and my tongue burns dry from the breeze. I spread my arms wide, throwing back my head. I laugh so loudly that I don’t even care if I’m discovered.
Then I see him. A man out walking his dog.
I drop to the ground, my fingers clawing at the moss and dirt and twigs. He’s down at the bottom of the field, dangling a lead, calling to his dog as it darts in and out of the hedges. But then the dog stops, standing proud, its nose stuck up and sniffing the air. It glances my way and sniffs again, barking. I’m behind a tree now but that doesn’t stop the creature looking right at me and letting out another high-pitched bark.
A dog… a man with a lead… me, alone…
I slap a hand over my mouth, stifling the scream. Please don’t hurt me, please don’t hurt me… I bite my palm, my whole body shaking, watching him walk away. The dog follows him, giving one last bark in my direction.
If you’d just stayed home, none of this would have happened…
I swing around to where the voice is coming from, but there’s no one there.
‘Yes, yes, I should have stayed inside…’ I whisper, my mind spinning back through what seems like a thousand million years. It’s as if I’m there again, standing, waiting, whistling to myself, trying to keep cheerful, but still he didn’t come. I glanced at my watch. It was new for my birthday. ‘Quarter to eleven,’ I said to myself, trying not to feel scared. It was dark and the latest I’d ever been out alone. The village disco finished at ten. ‘Come on, Dad,’ I said, shuffling from one foot to the other. ‘Where are you?’ I really needed the loo.
‘You getting a lift home, love?’ the lady who ran the disco said. She’d been sweeping up, and suddenly the village hall car park was plunged into darkness as she turned off the lights. I heard her locking the door, grumbling to her husband that I was still there, that they couldn’t leave me alone.
‘Yeah, my dad’s coming to fetch me. He’s probably been held up.’
‘Well, you just wait here for him, then,’ the woman said. Her husband, the man who played the disco music, took her by the arm and led her off to their car. He had his hand on her bottom. I watched the red tail lights get smaller as they drove the half a mile down the lane back towards the village. And then I was quite alone, standing outside the village hall in the pitch dark on a Friday night. I wanted to cry, but fought it back. I’d never be allowed out again if I acted like a baby.
My watch said five to eleven. If he wasn’t here by the hour, I was going to set off walking. It would take me forever to get to the farm, but I didn’t want to wait here alone all night. Mum would have been on time.
‘Hello there,’ a man’s voice called out, making me jump. I didn’t see him at first, out there in the darkness, but then I recognised him. ‘Bit late to be out alone, isn’t it?’
Something wet was licking my hands, scrabbling at my jeans. It was his dog. He called it off, but the dog didn’t listen. ‘I like dogs,’ I said, bending down and stroking it. ‘Good girl, Ginny.’ I ruffled her shaggy coat and gave her a big hug.