What I didn't know was that there was a court case going on, and that Ethel's first thought was that I was working undercover for Bob Brown's insurance company. She wasn't suing him, but whenever a boat goes down, there are always people asking questions, looking for an angle. Within weeks of the sinking, in fact, a couple of lawyers had slid into the Nest, trying to interest her in a lawsuit. They were so insistent that some of the boys at the bar felt compelled to help them leave.
Ethel was friendly with me, but guarded. She talked about watching the local news, waiting for word of the Andrea Gail. She talked about the memorial service, and how people had stuck by her after the tragedy. She bought me a beer, and gave me the names of other fishermen who might be able to help out. And then I walked back out of the bar. It was a warm day in early spring, snow lingering in the northern exposures and a rich, loamy smell that mixed with salt air off the ocean. Reefer rigs crawled down Main Street and pickup trucks pulled in and out of Rose's parking lot, tires spraying gravel. The men in the trucks didn't smile as they drove.
This isn't exactly a town that begs to be written about, I remember thinking. These aren't men who really want to be asked about their lives.
And to an extent, I was right. The guys in those pick-up trucks—and on barstools at the Crow's Nest, and walking down Main Street in their deck boots and fishing gear—had no particular reason to talk to me. Men in working towns can nurture a harsh kind of pragmatism that weeds out sentimental acts, such as talking to writers, and it's generally hard to coax them out of that. If I were a Gloucester native, or had worked as a fisherman, perhaps it would have been different.
But I wasn't, and the only thing I had going in my favor—
other than the fact that Ethel seemed to like me, which counted for more than I realized—was that I worked as a freelance climber for tree companies. I was living on Cape Cod, but did occasional jobs in Boston, and often I'd combine trips into the city with research jaunts up to Gloucester. I'd walk into the Crow's Nest at the end of the day, tired and dirty from a day of climbing, and settle onto a stool at the bar. "Look, I don't know a thing about fishing," I'd say. "So if you don't tell me about it, I'm going to get it all wrong."
That seemed to work; gradually, the fishermen started to talk. They told me about their grandfathers dory-fishing for cod on the Grand Banks. They told me about winter gales on Georges. They told me about getting thrown out of their house by their girlfriend for one reason or another, usually good ones. And they told me about the sea. "She's a beautiful lady," one guy said, jerking his thumb oceanward out the bar door, "but she'll kill ya without a second thought."
Usually the only thing I had in front of me during these conversations was a beer, though occasionally, if the conversation looked promising enough, and I'd established a good rapport with the guy, I'd pull the steno pad out from behind my jacket. Otherwise, I'd periodically excuse myself the men's room, which—given the evening's activities—was usually necessary anyway. There I'd scribble down a few stories and then I'd go back out into the bar. When I'd really become friendly with someone, such as Chris Cotter, I'd ask if I could interview them with a tape recorder, out of the bar, someplace where we could talk without being interrupted. Usually they said yes. One guy said yes, but tried to give me the slip while I was following him in my car through town. I finally tracked him down at the Green Tavern, and we ended up talking for three hours. And a few people—like Ricky Shatford—would have nothing to do with me at all.
Ricky was angry about his brother's death, he told me later, and I was something to focus all that on. He didn't like me writing about his family, and he didn't like me writing about something I couldn't know for sure. The Andrea Gail had been lost without a trace. Why not just let it lie there?
Unfortunately, Ricky was articulating exactly my own insecurities about the project. Every time I ventured into the Crow's Nest, I felt like an intruder, and I'd had several excruciating dreams about the loss of the Andrea Gail. In one, I dreamed I'd drilled tiny holes in her hull before her last trip to see if she'd still float; and in another I dreamed I was in the wheelhouse with Billy Tyne as she went down. I didn't have to die, though, because I was a journalist, and I just looked guiltily on as we plunged into the trough of another enormous wave. My God, you never really stopped to think how terrifying this must have been for those guys, I remember thinking. Those were six real men out there, not just names out of a newspaper. Don't ever forget that.
The one encouraging dream I had was in 1994, when I wrote a magazine article about the Andrea Gail. Most people in Gloucester liked the article, but there were the inevitable dissenting voices, and they traumatized me for months. The idea that you could do as good and thorough a job as possible and still leave people angry at you, shook some long-held illusion about journalism. In the dream I was walking along a deserted beach, and a figure strode towards me down the dunes. It was Bobby Shatford, and he walked up to me and stuck his hand. "So, you're Sebastian Junger," he said. "I've been wanting to meet you. I liked your article."