There were no messages and no missed calls. I had no idea where Adam was, or what the hell was going on. I called him, but it went straight to answerphone. I tried again and got the same.
I wasn’t going to give Pammie the satisfaction of calling her, so I opted for second best – James.
He picked up on the second ring. ‘Hi, Em?’
‘Yes,’ I managed. ‘Do you know where Adam is? He went out early this morning and I can’t get hold of him.’
‘You sound shaky, you okay?’
No. Your family’s seriously fucked up.
Instead, I said, ‘Yes, I’m fine. Any idea where he might be?’
‘He’s with Mum. He took over from me a few hours ago, so I could come home and get some sleep.’
‘Did he say anything to you?’ I asked optimistically, trying to stop the desperation from creeping into my voice. ‘We had a fight, and he’s talking about calling the whole thing off, James. I don’t know what to do.’
‘Jesus.’
‘He seems adamant it’s the right thing to do.’
‘Do you want me to come over?’
No. Yes. No. I don’t know.
‘Em? Do you want me to come over?’ His voice was rising with concern.
‘No, just get him to ring me. He’s not picking up his phone.’
‘This might be for the best,’ he said, almost inaudibly.
What? Had I heard him right?
‘To give you both time to make sure it’s definitely what you want.’
‘How can this be for the best?’ I cried. ‘But then, why would I expect anything different from you? You’ve been set on sabotaging this relationship since the very beginning. I bet you’re loving this, aren’t you?’
‘I’ve only ever had your best interests at heart.’
‘The only thing you’ve ever wanted was to get one up on your brother.’
‘That’s not true,’ he said quietly.
‘Right now, I don’t really care. I just need to find out what the hell’s going on.’
‘I’ll go over to Mum’s now and call you from there,’ he said solemnly.
I couldn’t think straight until I’d spoken to Adam. There was so much to discuss. He couldn’t back out now. What would people think? The plans and sacrifices they’d made to be there, to share our special day. Time off work, babysitters, train tickets – and that was just our guests. What would I say to the hotel, the registrar, the florist, the entertainment?
I called Pippa. She only had to hear me say her name and she was on her way. ‘Don’t move. I’ll be there in ten minutes,’ she said.
She took one look at me in the doorway and said, ‘I swear to God, if he’s laid a finger on you . . .’
I shook my head numbly. ‘Pammie’s got cancer, and Adam’s gone AWOL.’
She raised her eyebrows questioningly.
‘Exactly,’ I said.
There was nothing she or anyone else could do, apart from make me tea and wait. The waiting, the not knowing, was excruciating.
It was gone 10 a.m. when my mobile rang. Adam’s name flashed up on the screen.
In that split second, Pippa swooped in, swiped the phone from my hand, and put it on loudspeaker.
‘Now, listen to me, you motherf—’ she said.
‘Em?’ said the male voice.
‘If you don’t get your arse back home within the next half an hour . . .’ Pippa went on.
‘Em, it’s James.’
Pippa handed me the phone. ‘Is he with you?’ I asked breathlessly.
‘Yes, but he’s not great. His mind seems pretty made up.’
My heart broke into a million pieces. ‘Put him on.’
‘He doesn’t want to talk to you right now,’ he said apologetically.
‘Put him on the phone now!’ I almost screamed.
Pippa rubbed my leg, and caught hold of the hand that was flailing in the air, searching desperately for something tangible to hold onto, to keep me steady, even though I was already sitting down.
I heard a mumbling and then Adam’s voice. ‘I’ve made the decision,’ he said matter-of-factly. How could he sound so cold? ‘We’re postponing the wedding until Mum’s recovered.’
‘But—’
‘It’s done, Em. I’ve already started ringing round, the people that I have numbers for, anyway. And I’ve spoken to the travel agent and she’s looking into where we stand with moving the honeymoon or recuperating any costs.’
If it was possible for my blood to run cold, I felt it then. An icy coolness started in my neck and coursed downwards through my chest and into my intestines, whirring around and around, up and down. As it reached the hot acidity of my stomach, I threw the phone at Pippa and ran to the bathroom, retching.
It sounded as if she was talking underwater, and I couldn’t make out any words, as I hung my head over the toilet, its very appearance prompting a contraction in my gut, propelling hot bile to sear up my throat.
Within seconds, Pippa was kneeling down beside me, holding my hair and rubbing my back.
‘It’s going to be okay,’ she whispered. ‘I’ll sort everything.’
I went to shake my head, but threw up again.
Pippa forced me to have a shower and wash my hair, promising that it would make the world a slightly less intimidating place.
I gave her my contacts book and, by the time I came back into the living room, there was only the hotel and registrar left to talk to.
‘I think that’s something you need to do, I’m afraid,’ she said. ‘I could be anyone.’
I nodded in sad agreement.
‘I’ll make us a cup of tea,’ she said, taking herself into the kitchen and busying herself with much banging and slamming of cups and cupboards.
‘Oh, my goodness, that’s unusual,’ said the insensitive wedding co-ordinator at the hotel. ‘We’ve never had anyone cancel this late in the day before.’
‘It’s not out of choice,’ I said dourly, barely aware of what she was even saying. I’d switched onto autopilot, unable to feel, or deal with real people and emotions. I felt like a robot, going through its pre-programmed manoeuvres, fearful of short-circuiting.
I was vaguely aware of the phone being taken out of my hand. ‘Hi, it’s Pippa Hawkins here, maid of honour, I’ll be assisting you with anything else you need . . .’
My head dropped into my folded arms on the table, and my body began to shake as the sobs took hold.
31
Adam finally showed his face an hour before we were meant to be getting married. Our flat had seen a constant stream of visitors during the day and night that he’d been gone, all checking up on me, making sure I hadn’t thrown myself off a bridge. But only Pippa remained, when he eventually returned home looking dishevelled, his face ruddy.
I’d imagined this moment a thousand times, but now, as he stood before me as I sat at the dining table, he looked like someone I’d once known. Not the man that I’d loved and lived with for the past eight months. It felt like we’d shared a fleeting encounter at some point in our past lives, and I could barely recollect the details. I didn’t know if that was my brain’s way of protecting me against the reality. Of cushioning the blow of what was really happening.
I could see Pippa picking up her coat in the corner of my eye, but I stared straight at him, daring him to come back at me. He avoided my gaze.
‘I’m going to go,’ said Pippa. ‘Okay?’
I nodded, my eyes never leaving Adam.
The sadness and sense of embarrassment I felt had been replaced by a very real anger now, so close to the surface that I felt like a feral animal being pulled back on its lead. He only needed to say one word, any word, and the chain would be off.
‘I need you to understand,’ he said.
I was up and out of my chair so violently that it fell backwards onto the floor.
‘You don’t get to tell me to do anything,’ I spat. ‘I have been through every possible emotion, and you dare to come in here and patronize me, telling me I need to understand?’
For a minute, I thought he was going to raise a hand to me – his shoulders were pulled back and his chest was puffed out, but then he deflated, like a popped balloon, and the air literally rushed out of him. I didn’t know which I preferred. At least if he retaliated, I had something to work with, something to spar with. But this hollowed-out version of his former self was pathetic to watch, a crumbling ruin that was difficult to garner respect for. I wanted him to stand up and be counted, not collapse in a childlike heap at my feet.