“What are you talking about?” She studied his face. He seemed different. She couldn’t put a finger on it, but he hadn’t woken up acting like himself. And for that matter, neither had she. She couldn’t get rid of the bad feeling that had been following her around since she tiptoed to the bathroom this morning, turned the water on, and vomited. She knew it wasn’t the baby. That, she was happy about. Frightened, yes. But also content. It was something else. And that scared her more than the life that was growing inside her.
“Nothing,” James said, squeezing her knee, working his lips into a smile. One of his thin, fake ones, but still. He was slowly looking more like him. “Anyway, yes, it’s true that there aren’t guardrails in some places, but driving the back side will be so much cooler—I read that the views are incredible, and if you drive slow it won’t matter that the road isn’t as finished as the one through Hana is.”
“What do you mean, not as finished?” Dylan bit her lip. What had gotten into him? He wasn’t this man. A risk-taker. As far as she knew, this affair was the biggest and only major risk he’d ever taken. And while he didn’t discuss it with her, she could see the toll their secret relationship was taking on him. The fights were getting worse with Jacqueline—probably because his wife sensed something wasn’t right. And Dylan had noticed his fuse had been just a little bit shorter on this trip. It was subtle, like how he’d sighed when she’d forgotten her cell phone and had to run back up to the room. Or when she was telling him a story about her roommates or some catastrophe at work—there was something distant about his expression, and he’d snapped to attention only when she asked him if he was listening.
This slight disconnect made Dylan try harder—to be less forgetful, to be a better storyteller. Her time with James was slipping through her fingers, and she didn’t want to think about what would happen when they returned to reality. Obviously things were going to change once James found out about the baby. The world she’d imagined for just the two of them would now include three. But Dylan couldn’t be sure which way the ax would swing when she told him—or which way she wanted it to. Either direction would bring chaos, burst their bubble, and alter their lives forever.
James had actually described himself as boring when he’d first met Dylan. He was something of a workaholic, working nights and weekends—whatever it took to get the deal closed. When he’d flown, it was always United Airlines, always the aisle seat, always direct. Unless a layover absolutely couldn’t be avoided, like when he was flying to Amarillo, Texas. He followed routines. He was predictable. His words, not hers. Dylan had reasoned that their clandestine relationship had brought something to his life he’d been missing. She just worried now that it was the risks he was taking with her that were addictive, not Dylan herself.
“There are a few miles that aren’t completely paved. But really, it just means the road isn’t as commercialized—it’s what the locals would drive. And I want that. The real experience. We’ve come all the way here; why not go for it?” James smiled at her. That smile that twisted her up inside, that made her giddy and scared and flustered all at once.
Dylan considered his pitch. He had already taken her on some amazing excursions, ones she would have never gone on otherwise. If it had been up to her, they would have lain at the pool all day, her reading fashion magazines and him massaging oil into her shoulders. She remembered Nick asking her to do a ropes course once. She’d scoffed and told him no, that she didn’t want to navigate balance beams hundreds of feet off the ground suspended between trees. What if she fell? She’d said she had zero interest in being a trapeze artist. “I’ll make sure you don’t fall,” he’d said slowly. “I’ll take care of you.”
And she’d had no doubt that he would. It had begun to feel like Nick was obsessed with taking care of her. As if she weren’t capable of it herself. But still, she didn’t back down. The idea of being up that high scared her.
But when James told her he’d planned all of these excursions, she heard herself saying okay. Even though she wasn’t okay with any of it at all.
But she wanted to be with him, wherever that was, even if it meant driving on a road with no guardrails.
The thought sent a shiver through her. It wasn’t just them anymore. There was a baby to consider. She needed to tell him. She needed him to know. But something was stopping her. That bad feeling was back again. Overpowering her. Consuming her. She sucked in a deep breath.
“And . . . ,” James said, and Dylan looked over at him. “The views of the Pacific—they’re some of the best on the island.”
Dylan frowned.
“And right before we get to the back side, we’ll see the ‘Ohe‘o Gulch, also known as the Seven Sacred Pools. I think we should stop there. They’re supposed to be to die for.”
“I’m not sure anything about the drive to Hana would be worth dying for!” Dylan pushed James in the shoulder.
“Yeah, sorry, probably not the best phrase to use.” James shook his head.
Dylan smiled. “Why do they call them the Seven Sacred Pools?”
“As the story goes, if you swim up all seven tiered pools, you’ll be welcome in heaven,” James said, watching her face.
Dylan thought about James’s words. And the way she’d been feeling all day—as if a black cloud were following them. She wanted to tell him that they should just go back to the hotel and relax—spend time together the way she wanted to.
“Look, if you don’t want to take the back road, I get it. I don’t want to push you. But there’s just something about being here with you that makes me say, ‘Fuck it, let’s live!’”
That familiar and dangerous feeling swelled inside of her. Hope. And she couldn’t control herself; she reached out and grabbed it and held it tight as she listened to James.
“This is considered one of the most spectacular drives in the world, and I think we should make the most of our last full day together.” He paused and locked his eyes on hers, reminding her that they had to go back. To reality. She just wished she knew what that was going to look like. “We can hike in—it’s not far at all—and swim in the pools. Or just dip a toe in, whatever you want, and then have a picnic; I was thinking it would be a good place for us to talk,” he said, and Dylan felt a weight in the pit of her stomach. Was this why he was acting so strangely? Because he had something to tell her? Was he going to break up with her? Or could he be leaving his wife?
“What? You don’t agree?”
Dylan hadn’t realized she’d been moving her head back and forth. She looked into James’s eyes, so full of life, the life she’d breathed into him. She decided to push the bad feeling away and trust him. To see where this road would take them. Hoping that at the end of it there would be a future—for all three of them. And she decided right then that she was going to confess that to him, no matter what his response was—good or bad.
“Let’s do it,” Dylan said, and kissed him. “I’m ready.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
JACKS—AFTER
When I was sixteen and Beth was seventeen, she kicked a boy’s ass for me.
Okay, so she didn’t exactly kick his ass, but a slap was involved. And it left a mark.
I’d just found out that Alex Henderson had asked another girl to Homecoming, which was a problem because Alex was my boyfriend and he’d already asked me.
“He what?” Beth adjusted her backpack on her shoulder and fiddled with the knot on her denim shirt.
I leaned my head against my locker and told Beth I’d heard from my friend Janet, who’d heard from her lab partner, Carrie, that he’d asked Heidi O’Reilly to the dance.
“But he’s your fucking boyfriend.”
“Apparently he’s not anymore,” I said, a tear rolling down my cheek that I quickly wiped away with the sleeve of my sweatshirt. “He told Heidi we were broken up.”
“What the hell is wrong with him? What a jerk. I never liked him.”
My eyes pooled with tears, but I held them back. “You don’t like anyone I date.”
Beth gave me her well, can you blame me? look. “I’m going to find him.”
“No, don’t,” I pleaded. The last thing I needed was a scene. I already felt stupid enough that he’d dumped me and hadn’t even bothered to let me know.