She looked over her shoulder. “If you loved me, you’d stay.”
What a horrid thing to say.
What a disgusting slur to utter.
“Don’t you think I’m trying?” My anger turned to rage, and I fucked her with contempt instead of everlasting love. “You’ve pushed me too far, Della.”
She bucked and pleaded, and I lost myself to her.
I’m sorry.
So goddamn sorry.
She made me angry, so fucking angry. She made me sad, so eternally sad.
And I didn’t want to be either of those things because I had to be strong for her.
She squirmed as my rough palms caressed her spine, massaging with possessive strokes.
Grabbing handfuls of her ass, I forced her legs to spread wider, her feet kicking, flashing me her ribbon tattoo, drowning me in memories; painful, shard-filled memories of our shared childhood, stabbing me over and over, craving, wanting, begging.
A cough caught me unaware.
Another cough followed that one.
And I bent over, clamping my teeth into her shoulder, stifling any more.
I refused to be ill.
I refused to be a faulty clock deciding how many minutes I could have with her.
“I love you, Della.” My cock throbbed, hard as wood; my mind raced, a mess with desire. I looped an arm around her stomach, holding her tight as I thrust into her from behind. “Forever.”
Rage drenched my blood. Anger at life and love and loss.
My hips pistoned faster, taking out my sadness on her—letting her taste a little of the fury inside me. The grief and yearning for more.
Her head snapped up as my fingers found her clit, rubbing fast and hard. “God—”
Her body tightened around me, preparing for a release.
I loved taking her like this. Loved dancing on the border of animal and human, right and wrong, sexy and sadistic.
There were so many things I wanted to do to her.
So many, many things.
Would time give them to me?
“You’ve broken me, Ribbon. And now, I have to break you.” I reared up on my hands, driving my body into hers, unapologetic, untamed, unforgiving.
She wanted me rough.
She had me.
I was jerky and fierce.
I was lost and afraid.
I was in love and utterly in pieces.
I wanted to punish her for the life she’d have after me. I wanted to free her from the pain I was about to cause her.
I hated her.
I loved her.
I missed her so fucking much already.
“God, Ren.” Her cry unravelled the final parts of me, and I lost the remaining pieces that made me hers.
I fucked and thrust and layered her with bruises upon bruises.
And still, she begged for more.
My teeth found her skin, and my body answered hers. And our hearts clanged and pounded to the same song, the melody giving way to a crescendo, the crescendo exploding to the finale, and we rode that song until sweat glistened and moans echoed, and our bodies found the same pleasure as our hearts.
We came together, fast and spent.
We loved each other, even though it hurt.
We were bonded, so there would be a forever.
And not even death could stop us.
CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR
DELLA
2021
“WHAT ABOUT JULIE?”
I cracked open my gaze, shaking my head on Ren’s naked chest. “No.”
“Holly?”
“Nah.”
“Daphne?”
“Definitely not.” I peeled my face from his skin and rolled my eyes. “You’re bad at baby naming.”
“Those are common, nice names.”
“Yes, and they’re all girls.”
He smiled even though it didn’t erase the melancholy in his eyes. “We’re having a girl, Della.” His gaze travelled down my exposed breasts to my flat belly. “We made one. Today.”
Goosebumps sprouted over my arms. “Could it happen that quick?”
He pulled me back down onto him, our shared heat slightly sticky and too hot, but I had no intention of leaving his side.
We’d calmed from our orgasms and separated enough to lie side by side until Ren gathered me to spoon against him as if he needed me to touch him at all times.
“After the short straw I’ve been dealt, we better have made a baby today. I think I deserve that much.” He narrowed his eyes at the tent roof. “Hear me? Whoever you are? Impregnate this girl if you feel a shred of guilt for what you’ve done to me.”
Tears stung my eyes all over again.
I’d forgotten how much I’d cried in the past week, and I’d only shed more because we’d been avoiding the monster in the room.
The monster we came into the forest to face.
How long?
But before we did, I wanted to exist in light-hearted baby planning a little longer. “Okay, say I’m pregnant. Say you have magical sperm, and bam, I’m knocked up—out of wedlock, no less.” I tapped his chin, making him chuckle. “Say all of that happened? Well, I’m telling you, I’m having a boy.”
“Why do you want a boy so badly?”
“Because I want another you.”
He sucked in a breath.
The comment was meant to be blasé, but no truer words had been spoken. I wanted another Ren to replace the one who was dying. I wanted Ren to somehow clone himself, heal himself, and never die—not until he was one-hundred-and-two and ready.
Our joking bled away.
We sighed heavily with no small amount of misery.
Oppressive silence smothered us, and we made no move to lighten it.
Exhaustion spread over me even though it was still light outside. I felt as if I’d run every marathon there ever was and still had so many to go.
I suffered no anger anymore. No rage or fury.
Just heart-weary desolation.
I didn’t know how much time passed, but Ren squeezed me, rousing me from a strange, stressful doze. “Jacob.”
“Huh?”
“If you’re pregnant with my son. I want to call him Jacob.”
“Why?”
He shrugged. “I just like the name. It feels…right.”
My heart splashed into my stomach, annihilated by acid and circumstance. “Okay, Ren. I can live with Jacob.”
He gave me the sweetest kiss, his lungs inhaling and exhaling with a gentle cough.
A cough that couldn’t be ignored anymore.
We tensed, once again on the same tattered wavelength.
“Della…”
“Ren…”
We spoke together and stopped together.
“You go,” I whispered.
He flinched. “I don’t know what to say. You’ve guessed the hardest part.”
“I didn’t guess. I overhead you. On the phone in the stable.” My voice wobbled. “You asked how long. I knew we didn’t have a lot of time.”
“Shit.” He kissed my forehead. “And you dealt with this for a week on your own?”
I brushed his concern away. “It’s nothing compared to you. When did you find out?”
His tone strained. “Does it matter?”
“No.” I burrowed into him. “Nothing matters now.”
“I’m so sorry, Della.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t apologise for something that isn’t your fault.”
“But how can I not? How can I not hate myself for what—”
“Stop, Ren.” Every muscle clenched. “Just tell me. Tell me what’s wrong with you.”
He froze, his heart racing against me. “I’ve had it for twenty years.”
I squeezed my eyes as if that would protect me from goblins.
“At Mclary’s. I was put at risk…”
I wanted to tell him to stop, to never tell me, to laugh this awfulness away. But I nodded and held on with all my strength.
“You’ll need to be tested too—just in case. But I’m hoping you weren’t exposed like I was.”
“Exposed to what?” I wanted to go deaf, to never listen to what devil hurt my love, but instead, my ears rang…waiting for his answer. And even though I knew it was coming. Even though I’d heard it in my head and watched it happen over and over in my nightmares, it still had the power to change my world.
To change me as a person.
To strip aside my remaining youth and make me so much older than I ever wanted to be.
“Asbestos poisoning.” He swallowed hard, his chest working. “I have stage one mesothelioma.”
I tried to speak, to be brave and ask questions, but I left him totally alone to explain.
A foreign word I didn’t know.
A title to a host of unrecognisable evil.
I was clueless.
I was shell-shocked.
I didn’t know myself anymore.