“Okay.” He frowned. “I’m here.”
“You are.” Unravelling my legs, I hopped off the bed and moved toward him. “A week ago, you refused to kiss me. Since then, you’ve barely touched me. I feel like you’re avoiding discussing—”
“I haven’t been avoiding anything.” He straightened. “And I have touched you. We fall asleep touching every night. Plus, you know why we haven’t talked—there just hasn’t been the right time.”
“Now is the right time.”
He sighed. “Look, you’re tired, I’m tired. Let’s wait until morning so we don’t say things we might regre—” A cough interrupted him.
My heart grew hot with dismay. “See? There you go again. Avoiding this. What are you so afraid of?”
“I’m not afraid of anything.” His nostrils flared. “I think you’ve wound yourself up and should calm down before—”
“Don’t tell me what to do. I’m not a child anymore, Ren. You can’t command me and expect me to obey.” Storming toward him, I stood on my tiptoes and slammed my lips to his.
I wanted to fight.
The frightened part of me needed it.
His mouth yielded to mine for just a second before he pulled back…just like before.
My heart cracked.
“Della. Stop.” He had the audacity to raise his hand and wipe his mouth as if what I’d done wasn’t permitted. As if the past two years of countless sex, endless kisses, and numerous I love you’s had never happened.
For a second, I wanted to run.
Another second, I wanted to hit him.
And then, in a final second, I nodded, accepted my hurt, and prepared to fight for what was mine.
“I won’t let you do this.” Stepping into him, I grasped his belt, tugging quickly at the leather. “I miss you, Ren. I want you. I’m worried about you and feel like you’re not—”
“Della…” He tripped backward as I worked on unbuckling him, crossing the small room until his back smashed against the door, and I trapped him. “Della—”
I didn’t stop until I unthreaded the leather and yanked the buckle free, discarding both ends the instant they were undone. “Don’t ‘Della’ me. You know what you’re doing, and it isn’t fair.” My fingers attacked his button then reached for his zipper in record time.
“What I’m doing?” His large, warm hand landed on mine, stopping my progress, gripping me hard. “How about what you’re doing?”
“I thought that was obvious.”
“You’re upset.” His fingers twitched around my wrist, his eyes shouting their love but his body rigid with refusal. “I get it. I know it’s my fault, but whatever you’re doing isn’t the way to fix—”
“Please.” I bit my lip, stemming sudden tears. “Please prove to me that nothing has changed when it’s all I can worry about. Please let me make love to the only man I’ve ever wanted. Please convince me that this fear inside—this fear that is slowly growing—is completely crazy and irrational. I need to know you’re okay. I need to know we’re okay. I need—” I stopped as a cry spilled from my lips, revealing just how knotted I was over this.
Over our distance.
Over childhood fear that he didn’t want me anymore.
Over adult terror that life wasn’t infinite like fairy-tales but a war for every moment.
“Fuck.” He let me go only to wrap me in his strong embrace. “Nothing has changed, Little Ribbon. I promise.”
“Prove it.” I stayed stiff in his arms. “Sleep with me.”
A tormented chuckle bubbled in his chest. “I’m not taking advantage of you when you’re like this. We should talk. Why didn’t you tell me you were so worried?” The softness of his worn, blue sweater was warm, the thud of his heart familiar. My body responded to what it had always considered safe, and my spine relaxed even as I fought to stay angry.
“You know I love you. How many times have I told you that? Nothing can drive us apart, Della. I know I hurt you with my knee-jerk reaction when we first arrived, but nothing has changed.”
He ducked and kissed me sweetly, tasting my tears. “See? I love you. I’m in love with you. Everything is fine.”
I blinked, lips tingling and heart smarting. “Kiss me again.”
“Not tonight.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re worked up over something I don’t understand. I’m sorry about before, I truly am. But anything else you’re worried about is completely ridiculous, and I won’t be pushed into sleeping with you. Not when you’re like—”
“My fears aren’t ridiculous, Ren.”
“I didn’t mean they were.”
“Is it ridiculous that I love you so much I can barely breathe at the thought of losing you?”
“What?” Temper lashed through his voice. “Why the hell would you lose me?”
“I don’t know. You tell me.”
“Is this about Cassie?” His eyes blackened. “Don’t you trust me?” His question was soft but lethal, daring me to give light to my terrors when, up until a few days ago, I trusted him with my life.
I sighed, defeated and fully aware I was at fault. “Of course, I trust you.”
“So, you’re not driving yourself insane thinking I’m going to leave you for Cassie?”
I flinched. “I won’t deny it was hard at first, but I know what we have supersedes all that.”
“Then…” His head tilted, hair caressing his forehead. “What is this really about?”
“It’s about us.” I shrugged helplessly. “It’s about me needing you and…and I don’t like this distance between us.” I looked down. “I was wrong to keep our relationship a secret. The longer we don’t tell people, the more I worry it’s even real.”
His finger tipped my chin up. “It’s real, Della. More real than anything in the world.”
“I needed to hear that.” I half-smiled.
He tucked a curl behind my ear. “You’re forgetting you’re the one who wanted to hide. I wanted to tell everyone the truth.”
“I was wrong.” Reaching for him, I brushed my mouth on his. “Please…take me to bed. Let’s just forget I made a mess of this.”
I chickened out.
I’d picked this fight to address that annoying little cough.
I’d stewed in stress so I would have the guts to order him to see a doctor.
But, somehow, none of that mattered anymore.
I just wanted him.
Inside me.
Around me.
With me.
Our lips touched before he shook his head with a soft groan. “I can’t sleep with you in this room, Little Ribbon.”
My eyes snapped wide. “Why?”
“There are too many memories here.”
My heart fluttered, tasting progress. “So? Memories are just memories.”
“Memories have a way of driving me insane.” His tongue wet his lips, his gaze drawn to my mouth. His voice denied me, but his body reacted. “So many memories of so many things between us.”
“But don’t you see?” My hand landed on his chest, sliding down until I pressed my palm against his erection. “That’s why we need to make new ones.”
He hissed between his teeth. “Stop.”
My bravery at addressing so many things had flown out the window, but I wouldn’t let him deny me. Not in this. Not when we desperately needed to connect.
“I want you, Ren.” Sinking to my knees, I tugged his jeans and boxers down in one smooth glide. They bunched around his knees as his cock bounced free.
I didn’t hesitate.
I licked him, inserting him into my mouth.
“Fucking hell.” His hand fisted in my hair, holding me tight as he crippled under my control. “Della.” His belly clenched as he rolled over me, hugging my head as I licked and sucked, doing my best to shatter him.
For a second, I thought I’d won.
He sucked in a wobbly breath, his body swelling in my mouth.
But then that damn side of him that protected me at all costs resurfaced and, with a savage growl, he pushed me away. “Della…no.” He staggered sideways, tripping to the centre of the bedroom, doing his best to hoist up and rearrange his jeans. “Are you trying to kill me, woman?”
His anger and denial hurt, but not the same as before.
I kind of understood now.
I sort of finally saw.
This wasn’t about me at all.
This was about this room.
This place.
I thought I’d had it hard here.
That lying in bed jealous and petty was painful.