‘Don’t. Please,’ he said suddenly. ‘I don’t want you to go.’
I swayed slightly and briefly closed my eyes. A handful of the right words? I would never be that weak again.
‘I have no right to say that to you, but—’
‘You have a daughter, Simon.’
‘I know,’ he said quietly, ‘and you’re right, Cara needs more time. It would destroy her if I left right now. But once she’s stronger, and I’m certain she can cope – with my help, with all of our help – I will move out. I’ll divorce Louise and we can be together. Me and you. If we make it OK for Cara, it will be. You don’t need to threaten to leave to try and shock me into action, Jess. I’ve been waiting for you to be ready, but I’ve wanted this to be on your terms; it had to be something you decided.’
He spoke calmly, as if it was an obvious truth.
I stared at him, astounded. That’s what he thought this was about? Us? He hadn’t even mentioned Beth. It was as if she’d never existed.
He stood up quickly. ‘You’ve gone completely white, hang on.’ He marched off towards the bar, and finding it unmanned, looked irritated and pushed through the door into the main pub.
I exhaled, and leant my head back, looking up at the ceiling. He had not just said all of that? Had he?
‘When he comes back, tell him he’s wrong, you’ve never loved him. Make him understand that when you move away, he’s not to come looking for you, ever again. It’s over and you want nothing more to do with him.’
I jerked my head up in astonishment at the sound of a voice to my right, and peered round the corner of the booth it seemed to be coming from. Louise was huddled in the corner, eyes wide with shock, knees up to her chest and an empty tumbler loosely in one hand.
‘What are you doing here?’ I was barely able to get the words out. ‘Aren’t you worried he’s going to see you?’
‘I don’t think he’d notice if I jumped up and sang “Jolene” right there on the tabletop, do you?’ Her voice wavered. ‘I came to make sure I heard you say it. But now I wish I hadn’t been listening. Just tell him it’s over between you and stop talking to me, he’ll be back any second.’
‘But—’
‘Just do as you’re told!’ She squeezed the glass so tightly it shattered, and I gasped. Her fingers were cut; I could see little ribbons of skin on the inside of her knuckles. The now sharply jagged base she was still clutching was decorated with thin swirls of blood, but she didn’t let go, just softly moaned with pain. I had no idea if it was physical, but I instinctively stood up to help her.
She instantly twisted the glass in my direction. My first thought was that she was going to shove it at me, but she was actually lowering it threateningly towards her wrist. Horrified, I recoiled, my heart crashing in my ears, as Simon reappeared in the doorway clutching a shot of whisky. I collapsed back down onto my seat in shock, and turned back to him.
‘You weren’t going to leave while I was in the bar?’ He half-joked and sat the drink down in front of me. ‘You need this, not wine.’
‘Simon, I brought you here today to tell you I don’t ever want to see you again,’ I said loudly and clearly. ‘Don’t try and find me when I leave. I want to start a new life away from everything that’s happened – and you can’t be a part of it. I don’t want you to be a part of it.’
He sank down into his chair, just looked at me and blinked in confusion, before saying eventually: ‘I don’t believe you.’
But I meant every word. I couldn’t bear any more suffering. ‘Losing Beth has changed everything. It’s changed me forever. I’m not the person I was. I won’t be, ever again. You don’t know me any more, Simon. You think you do, but you don’t. What you and I had was an infatuation. That’s all, and it’s over.’
He shook his head, resolutely. ‘I’ll know you for the rest of my life, and you leaving won’t stop me from loving you because I do love you, and you know that. But I want you to be happy. If you change your mind, come and find me. I’ll still be waiting. It’s only you. It’s only ever been you. I can’t force you to love me, Jess, and I want you to have the freedom to choose.’ He stood up. ‘I have to go, I’m sorry. My mother-in-law is at ours. I had to make excuses to come out and questions will be asked if I’m not back soon. You know where I am.’ He leant across the table and kissed me briefly on the cheek, before grabbing his coat and walking out of the pub without a backwards glance.
I let my head drop for a moment, before reaching for the whisky, downing it and getting to my feet. I hesitated and returned to Louise.
Tears were freely flowing down her cheeks which she was about to brush away with her sleeve – she’d pulled it right down so I couldn’t see her wrist.
‘Please don’t hurt yourself,’ I begged, worried that there might also be bits of glass caught up in the fabric and she might cut her face as well as her hands. I leant forward to remove the larger pieces from the tabletop, but she sprang into life.
‘Get the fuck away from me,’ she hissed. ‘I swear to God if you touch me, I’ll kill you right here.’
I obediently stumbled out of the pub, feeling sick at what she had apparently been about to do to her wrists, and frightened by the strength of her loathing for me. Looking like a drunk about to throw up, I wobbled as the cold air hit me and had to lean on the wall to steady myself, earning some curious glances and knowing wry smiles from passing shoppers. They were right: like Louise, I’d well and truly reached my limit. I simply couldn’t take any more.
Straightening up, I put on my coat, and started for home, only on impulse to change my route; heading out instead towards the cathedral green. A group of girls my age passed by in little black dresses and heels, arms crossed over their chests as they shivered without coats, tottering towards the pubs. Plenty of people were around; the cathedral itself was lit up brightly, guests arriving for some sort of concert. I stopped briefly under a street light and watched them; bright, merry smiles and busy chatter as they stepped carefully over the cleared path to the door. Instead, I pictured the scene as it had been in the late hot summer months; people lying on the grass eating ice creams, toddlers running around. Me and Beth walking home chatting happily, holding hands, her proudly swinging the carrier bag containing her new school uniform. I slowly reached out my empty hand, imagining hers slipping into mine. It was so real I could almost feel it. I shut my eyes with desperate longing and tried to feel it. I must have looked mad.
But when I opened them, I was still alone. A couple rounded the far side corner of the cathedral, some distance away, arm in arm – they were about the same age as me and Ben, and laughing, very obviously in love. They didn’t notice me staring. I was completely struck by their open, easy happiness – as it should be, as they deserved it to be. I wished desperately that I had been able to give Ben that. I had failed him so badly.
I turned, light-headed with a sudden clarity. I would leave in the morning, but for now, it was time to head back for my last night at home.
Chapter Eight
‘It’s not properly hot at all,’ Ben said, putting the plate of curry down in front of me. ‘I promise. You’ll be fine with it, it’s really mild.’
‘Thank you for making this,’ I said, picking up my fork, and hesitating before eating a mouthful of rice.
Ben sat down opposite me and began to attack his food hungrily. ‘How was town? Busy?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I was surprised really, given the weather.’
‘Well,’ he said, ‘I suppose they grit everything, don’t they? People have still got to get to work.’
There was a pause, and he looked up quickly. ‘Sorry. That wasn’t a pop at you.’
‘I know,’ I said truthfully.
He cleared his throat and resumed eating, more slowly. ‘So where did you go?’
‘The cathedral.’
He looked up again. ‘Really?’