“But you were the Aldermaston’s page instead? You delivered his messages…”
“And carried his laundry to the lavenders, and fetched this and fetched that.” His voice was thick with resentment. “How I hated it! Always being told where to go and what to do. But Martin was free to roam the Bearden Muir. He would be gone for days at a time and I could not wait until he returned. When Jon was named as the apprentice, I was sick with envy. It was the Aldermaston’s choice of course, and he knew how much I wanted it. But he would not give it to me. But still, I took every advantage I could to befriend Martin. He…he was like a father to me. He taught me little skills and tricks. Not as much as he taught Jon. After he was chosen, I scorned him though we used to be friends. When we were younger, I would thrash him because I was bigger and stronger.” His eyes focused on nothing at all, lost in the memories and the feelings. “But when he turned thirteen, I could not hurt him anymore. He grew strong and quick with all the things Martin taught him. The fights we used to have ended badly for me. My best weapons were words. How I would spit them at him! But he learned to keep tight rein on his feelings. That was something I could never do.”
Lia listened with enormous interest. “I never knew you two were rivals.”
He shook his head. “He never told Martin about what I did to him. He was quiet, that one. Always kept things inside. He adored Ailsa Cook, but he never told her. She was my age, but he was daft over her. Do you remember her working in the kitchen when you were little? She was taught by Pasqua and helped tend you and Sowe. She was always good with babies.” He sighed. “I should have been as wise as Jon. Ailsa was a good girl. She was a friend to everyone. But I loved one of the learners. My one advantage of being the page was delivering messages to the cloisters. I was teased, of course. Makes my ears burn to remember some of the things they said to me. But there was one who I would have done anything for. She and her friends sighed about Jon. Every month he seemed to sprout more and more. But he was so quiet. He would say nothing to any of the girls. I had always been a good talker. If I were the hunter, if I were the one who wore a gladius and leathers and roamed where I chose, things would be better. I believed that. But I was wrong. I was so hateful, so angry with the Aldermaston for not choosing me. I blamed him for my own failings. Every snub was his fault. Every mocking look by the girl I craved was because of him.” He sighed. “I will tell you the rest. I already confessed to the Aldermaston. When he asked me to be his hunter now, all these years later…well, you can imagine I hardly feel worthy of the privilege. But I need to have it out. I have been carrying it so long.”
He looked down at the grass.
“Tell me,” Lia whispered, touching his back comfortingly.
He looked at her, his face burning with shame. “The Aldermaston was right not to let me be the hunter. I was already disloyal to him as a page. He should never have trusted me, yet he did.” He rubbed his eyes and stared back out over the lake. “I would wander around the Abbey at night, stealing things. A treat from Pasqua’s kitchen. Something from the learners. I got very good at keeping quiet, at skulking around in the dark. At night, the grounds were mine – to wander where I chose, like a hunter. As I got older, I began to do worse things. Spy on people. I would break little pieces of the window so that I could listen in on conversations. I knew when all the learners were studying, and I would go through their belongings. Sometimes I would steal from them. I wondered if the Aldermaston suspected, but he never accused me. No one ever caught me, I supposed. But it did happen eventually. The night I left Muirwood.”