Ash had backed up, out of the zone of fire, but he made no move to stop me. His eyes were wide as he watched me throw the coffee pot across the room, landing with a tinkling crash against the door.
I looked around me at the disaster I had created and felt the breaths coming in and out quickly. I searched for something else to throw, but what else was there? I sunk to the floor, bits of glass and other things biting through the worn fabric of my jeans. I cradled my head in my hands and rocked back and forth.
Rough but gentle hands reached for me, pulling me up. I didn’t hesitate, my arms going around his neck. He pulled me tighter against him, his arm wrapped tightly around my waist. “I know, baby. I know.” His words were watery, and I swallowed my tears back down again. A dry sob escaped my throat as I pressed my face into his neck. “Shhh, I know.”
“I don’t want to do it anymore. I can’t…I can’t do it anymore. Everyone is gone, and I can’t do this anymore. Ash, I just don’t think I can do this anymore.” I felt the last bit of energy drip out of me, and I knew that, if he hadn’t been holding me up, I would have fallen down.
“You can,” he said, pressing me tighter to him. “I know you can.”
“I’m just so tired. I’m so tired, Ash,” I said, my arm losing their grip around his neck. My eyes were beginning to close. I was exhausted, worn out. “I can’t hold on anymore.” I didn’t know if I meant I couldn’t hold on to myself anymore or if I couldn’t hold onto him. Maybe both.
“It’s okay; I got you,” he said. I vaguely registered him scooping me up in his arms before I lost all consciousness.
I blinked once, twice, three times before opening my eyes fully. Sunlight was streaming through the thin white curtains that bordered the window by my bed. I was confused for a moment, the sunlight hitting my cheeks and warming them. I sat up slowly, hearing deep breaths and peered over the edge of my bed. Ash was curled on the trundle bed, asleep, his hair falling over his eyes. Flashes of memory hit me: Ash catching me as I fell, carrying me up the stairs to the bed and nightmares. More nightmares than I could possibly remember. I shuddered, rubbing my arms.
Ash shifted. His eyes opened, and they met mine. He smiled slightly and sat up. “You’re awake.”
“How long was I out?” my voice was rough from disuse.
“A couple days,” he said, yawning, running a hand through his hair. He was in desperate need of a haircut, but I kind of liked his hair like this. It made him look rough, like a fighter.
“A couple days!” I sat up straighter, flinging the covers off of me. “Where is…where is…” I couldn’t bring myself to say the words. My mother? The body? Neither felt right.
“I buried her, in the backyard, near the garden,” he said, his eyes meeting mine for a moment. “I hope that’s okay. I just thought she…she would like it there.”
I nodded. I felt the sensation, the urge to cry, but I had no tears left. I was out. “She would. She loved that garden.”
“Are you still intent on leaving?” he asked, getting out of his own blankets and standing up.
I thought about it for a moment. I thought of surviving her on the farm, with my mom’s body in the backyard. We could do it. We had the garden, the barn. We had access to food. But the Awakened had caught up to us here, and I didn’t know if we were safe anymore. “Yes. Yes, I think that’s a good idea.”
“Okay,” he said firmly. “We’ll go.” I felt relief go through me and wondered how this had happened. How did I end up with the boy I had loved for most of my life?
His eyes met mine and I felt a wave of love pass through me. I didn’t know if he felt the same way or if it was just a passing attraction because I was the last girl available on earth. But I loved him. I wanted him safe.
He said softly, “Z, I’ll get our things ready to go.” He paused. “You should say goodbye to your mom.” He smiled again and headed out of the room.
I glanced out the window, seeing the fresh mound of dirt that was just outside the garden, and swallowed hard. As if they had a mind of their own, my feet started moving, out of the room, down the stairs. I paused at the kitchen, noticing that the mess I had made was gone. I felt another wave of affection for Ash and continued out into the garden.
Her grave was simple, no marker, and perhaps, as time went on, something would grow on top of it, but it was something. It was much more than I had been able to give my father. Ash had done the best he could for her. I sunk to my knees, feeling the soft, cool dirt through my jeans.