Who had I been kidding for so long? Why had I been denying it for so long? I was in love with Ash Matthews. I had been since his stupid bowl haircut and impossibly blue eyes had walked into my life in the third grade.
I gasped, pulling back, grabbing the gun from where I had set it on the counter and pressing it lightly against his stomach. “Don’t touch me again, Ash, or I swear I’ll shoot you,” I said, trying to ignore the heavy breathing we were both experiencing, and the fact that we were both slowly losing our clothes.
To my surprise, Ash laughed, as if having a barrel pressed to his hard stomach was something he experienced every day. His stupid sexy naked stomach. How had I let myself get so far in? “You seemed to be enjoying it, the way I see it. It’s the end of the world, Z. You’ll ask for it again.”
I pressed the gun harder against him. “No, I won’t.”
He pulled away, creating a bit more distance between us, one of his hands pressed against my bareback. His other hand dipped lower again, right between my legs, right at the spot that had caused me to shudder with pleasure before. How was it possible that I wanted him to stop and continue at the same time? “Why do you keep denying this?” he whispered, his lips against my ear.
“Denying what?” I cried, pulling away from him and tugging his fingers away from me. I suddenly felt embarrassed, sitting on the counter, my face red, my breathing heavy, with my legs wrapped tightly around his waist. My pants were unbuttoned, my shirt laying forgotten on the ground and the straps of my bra were falling down my shoulders. But I didn’t feel like some kind of sex goddess anymore, just a girl that had gotten carried away in the moment. “Denying that you’re driving me insane, that you’ve been driving me insane and teasing me since the third grade?”
“Those were only ever jokes, Z. I was kidding with you,” he said, sounding confused. He still had a firm grip on me, and I knew it wouldn’t be long before my mom walked in on us in this precarious situation.
“It’s never not felt that way,” I said firmly. “You’ve made my life at school miserable since you made fun of me your first day at St. Joseph’s. You’ve made me cry with your all your teasing. How can I sit here and just let this happen and just forget all of that? We can’t tear each other’s clothes off without any regard to the past. Or at least, I can’t do that.”
“I made you cry?” he asked.
I sighed. “Yeah, you made me cry. Not recently but yeah. Several times. You hurt my feelings. You made me feel so low.”
He paused for a long moment. “I never meant it that way, ever. I panicked that first day. I was the new kid, and I wanted to fit in and make friends. I knew immediately that I had been stupid to you, and I wanted to fix it, but I was nine! I didn’t know how to fix it, come on.”
“I don’t think being mean was the way to go about it,” I said, my voice loud. “Pelting me with water balloons while I walked Bandit or filling my locker with glitter or stealing my clothes so I’d have to wear my PE clothes all day? You thought that would make up for it? Not exactly the right way to apologize, Ash.”
“I was an idiot, Zoey! I am an idiot. I liked you!” he said, sounding frustrated, his fingers flexing tightly around my waist. “I liked you, and I’d messed up, and I didn’t know how to fix it. I kept thinking, if I could make you laugh, you’d see that. I didn’t know how else to show you. I have never liked anyone that much, so much that it never goes away.”
“Wait, what?” I said, shaking my head, hardly daring to believe the words that were coming out of his mouth. “Did you just say…”
“I…like you, Z,” he said softly, his blue eyes meeting mine. “I have ever since my first day at St. Joseph’s. I remember you in your little plaid uniform dress, and your hair was so long. I swear it was past your butt. You had this huge book in your hands, so big that I thought you might tip over from the weight. But I cared too much about fitting in, and I chose that over helping you that day in the cafeteria. And I guess I never grew up and learned how to tell you. I just made a big joke out of it all because I couldn’t handle how much I liked you, and how much I still like you.”
I paused, a flurry of emotions rushing through me. I felt happy but wary, excited but anxious. “I don’t know what to think,” I admitted after a long pause.
“I know. I can understand that,” he said, his hands moving from my waist to my back.
I covered my face with my hands. “I seriously, I don’t…I don’t know how to handle this. I mean, you like me? That doesn’t just erase all those things you did to me. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what you want from me.”