“Yeah, well, all I know is, they about broke her heart that day.”
“That wasn’t about forgiveness, Dad. That was…” My voice trailed off. How could I explain it to an outsider? She hadn’t been shunned, but they had sort of treated her that way when she ran off. It wasn’t meant to be hurtful. It was meant to be biblical, a way to bring a wandering sheep back into the fold. I doubted that was a concept my father could understand, much less appreciate, so instead I just told him about my long-ago conversation with her sister Sarah, how she’d described it as a day none of them had been ready for.
“Clearly,” my father said, shaking his head.
“She also said that if they had known what was going to happen, they would have handled things differently.”
“Yeah? Well, hindsight is twenty-twenty and all that. But I guess I’m glad to hear it. Trust me, I can relate.”
We were both quiet for a moment.
“I will say this about your grandparents. They sure came to my rescue when your mother died. I don’t know what I would have done if they hadn’t taken you in.”
I hesitated, grappling for a response. How different my life would have played out had he done back then what a great many widowed fathers managed to do: find a way to carry on as a single parent. At the very least, I wouldn’t be as torn as I was now, because there would be no question about which world I truly belonged in.
“They are good people,” I finally managed to say.
Dad nodded. “Yes. Yes, they are.”
A few minutes of silence stretched between us as we stared into the fire.
“If you love Rachel, you should marry her, Ty.”
“It’s not…it’s not that simple.”
“Of course it’s that simple. It’s love. Love isn’t complicated. You just ask her, son. I know you’re still young and all, but not in Amish years.”
I smiled in spite of myself. “Amish years? Is that like dog years?”
He chuckled. “Sorry. You know what I mean. From what I understand, at your age, you should be married and a member of the church by now.”
I was surprised to hear him put it so bluntly. I was tempted to tell him the truth, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to know the internal burden I had brought with me or not. Would he be happy or surprised or alarmed that I didn’t know where I belonged? In his mind, he probably thought I had settled on that long ago.
I gathered my courage and then opened my mouth to tell him that Rachel was a member of the Amish church already and that that’s what made proposing to her complicated—because I wasn’t yet and didn’t know if I ever would be.
But he stood and clicked off the fire pit. “I need to finish packing, and we have to go over the last of the details. The airport shuttle is coming at the crack of dawn.”
The conversation about Rachel fizzled away.
We went inside.
I saw Brady for a few minutes before I turned in for the night. His attitude toward me was the same. Polite but reserved. I knew one of the first things I had to do after Dad left was have a heart-to-heart with my brother so that I could let him know I was on his side.
Back in the guest room, I hung up the pants and shirts from my suitcase, though I wondered why I had brought them. I probably wasn’t going to wear any of my Amish clothes while I was there. I set my hat on the shelf above and then laid my suspenders and the empty duffel next to it. Dad had told me to hang on to the UCLA hoodie to wear while I was here, and though he hadn’t had time to pull together any clothes for me from his closet, he said I was welcome to help myself once he was gone.
After I’d put my things away, I got the notebook out of my backpack and settled into the armchair that was positioned in a corner of the room. I began writing down the list of observations I had mentally made about living the non-Amish life. Then I added a few more:
Houses can be kept by little work on your part.
One man can own three cars.
A house can have rooms that are never even used.
I got ready for bed and knelt at the chair to say my prayers. I thanked God for getting me safely to California, and I asked Him to watch over Daadi, Mammi, Jake, and Rachel while I was gone. I asked that He give safe travel for my father the next day and safety for Liz, wherever she was in Honduras, and that He would show me how to reach out to my little brother.
And I asked for wisdom and clarity to see His path for me. At this point it felt foggier than ever.
TWELVE